A Guide to Closer Families

"Strong family relationships don't just happen. It takes time. It takes commitment, it takes prayer, and it takes work." -- Eugene Hansen

Raising a family isn't easy but if one has strong family relationships, then we can make better choices. We're human and make mistakes but there are certain guidelines that can help us avoid future problems with our children and perhaps save a lot of heartache. First, we must try speaking to our children in a calm voice if we intend to get anywhere. Second, it is imperative to show love and affection toward our children. Third, we must compromise with them and try to understand their point of view. Fourth, we should have personal interviews with our children and find out how their week has gone and if there is anything we can do to help them. This shows that we care about them. Fifth, we must compliment our children and uplift them, praise them for their efforts and accomplishments.

As we get older, we usually have good advice for young parents, hoping to help in anyway possible. In the July 1996 Ensign Magazine, parents were asked what they would do differently if they could go back and raise their children again. Through the valuable experiences of these parents, I would like to share an example of the five points I mentioned.

First: One mother wrote that she would never raise her voice to her children again. She said, "Yelling goes way back in my family tree." When this is the case, then we have a tough time undoing what has been engrained in us from childhood. When we use this method of communicating with our children, then we give into emotions and anger. This creates more frustration and the communication has ceased to exist and the spirit of contention enters the home, causing negative feelings.

Second: We must show affection to our children. Too many times we think that our children know of our love for them but we forget to show it. Showing affection can be difficult for some people but we must overcome it so our children will know of our love. As I read the response of one mother, it tugged at my heart as she expressed her feelings. One of her sons had been incarcerated and was paying for his mistake. She wrote, "As I looked at his sorrowful countenance behind that glass wall, my heart nearly broken, I only wish I had held and rocked that baby boy." This mother was devastated as she realized that she had very seldom taken her son into her arms and kissed him and held him next to her heart. It dawned on her that she had done all the duties of a good and faithful mother and taken care of his physical needs, but had forgotten his emotional needs by telling him of her devotion and love, by spreading sweet kisses all over his little face. She had not taken the time to show her innermost feelings for her young son and now she was looking at him through the glass barrier, her heart wrenching with pain and wishing that she could undo the past and start again. How many times have we wished to start again? We should not berate ourselves but start anew, beginning today and kiss those little tears away. Remember, a child is like a blossom. He or she will be in your garden for a season but gone the next. We should never waste a moment to express feelings of love.

Third: Another mother from Warsaw, Poland said that she believed her choices were the only right ones when it came to decisions of the family, and now she regretted her actions. She wrote, "I considered any deviation by my children from my instructions to them as an affront to my authority." This belief causes tension in the home because the children are not able to share their feelings and concerns. A child's point of view is important to him and we must listen and learn from our children. This is where compromise comes in.

Fourth: The interviews with your children don't have to be formal. You can talk to them while doing dishes or setting the table, in the car as you're traveling, while shopping at the mall, or tucking them in bed. This kind of communication helps your children know you care about them.

Fifth: I believe that complimenting your children helps to build their self-esteem, helps them to feel good about themselves. Whenever my mother would tell me something good about myself, I felt encouraged, that I wasn't such an awkward teenager after all. Children need to be recognized for their efforts they do each day.

When I had little children, I knew that I had to treasure every moment, for that moment would not pass this way again. I remember how I held my child and wished within myself that "time" would stand still and hoped I would never forget that moment for the rest of my life. Those were moments of happiness in which I took the time to sing to my baby and spread tender kisses all over her face and neck, making her laugh and smile. It was a time in which I said a special prayer -- a prayer of thanksgiving, of joy, and a prayer full of love. I enjoyed watching my baby as she nursed and I would smile at her and say softly, "I love you." Then she would stop nursing for a moment to give me a smile, and then resume her nursing. What precious moments those were to me. Time passes swiftly, though the memories are still there. My children are grown and I now realize that my daughters will feel what I once felt, holding their babies close and humming softly.

Gordon B. Hinckley, a great religious leader, said, "Women who make a house a home make a far greater contribution to society than those who command large armies or stand at the head of impressive corporations. Who can put a price tag on the influence a mother has on her children, a grandmother on her posterity, or aunts and sisters on their extended family?"

Grandparents should never underestimate their worth. This poem tells the value of one such grandparent, a tribute to a great man, expressing the devotion these children had for their grandfather:

Praise of a Grandfather

He stands in Godlike dignity--
A man and something more.
His soul is filled with charity,
All the children him adore.

They listen for this footsteps,
They follow him about;
Such love they feel for this kind man,
To him they are devout.
--Claudia Weaver Johnson

Copyright 2006