 |
A Major Cause Of Relationship Problems
Author: Margaret Paul, Ph.d.  | Posted: 27-11-2007 | Comments: 0 | Views: 74 | Rating: (62)  (?) 
We all know that relationships are very challenging. 52% of married people reach their 15th anniversary and only 33% reach their 25th anniversary.
I have been counseling individuals and couples for 40 years and I believe that I have discovered a major cause of relationship problems - if not THE major cause.
Simply put, each person makes the other person responsible for his or her feelings and then tries, in various ways, to have control over getting the other person to behave in the ways she or she wants.
When most people get into a relationship, they tend to believe that this person whom they love will finally make them feel safe, secure, adequate and lovable. Because most people do not know how to make themselves feel safe, secure, adequate and lovable, and because many people came from families that did not provide this, they each believe that it needs to be provided by the other person.
The other person might try very hard to provide this. Imagine that you have a partner who is very kind and caring. But imagine that you are very critical of yourself. While your partner's caring feels good, as long as you are judging yourself, you will feel bad. No matter how much your partner loves you, as long as you are being unloving to yourself, you will not feel safe, secure, adequate and lovable.
However, you might not realize that your feelings of insecurity, anxiety, or fear are coming from your own thoughts. You might think that you are not happy because your partner is just not loving you enough. As a result, you might try various actions to try have control over getting the love you want - such as getting angry, blaming, or giving yourself up. The act of trying to control your partner only adds to your own bad feelings.
Meanwhile, your partner is likely doing the same thing - trying to get you to make him or her feel safe, secure, adequate and lovable. But when you try to control your partner and your partner tries to control you, you both end up feeling worse. One or both of you might go into resistance, withdrawing to protect against being controlled. When one person withdraws to avoid being controlled, the other person might feel even more abandoned, trying even harder to have control over getting the love you want.
As long as you each make the other person responsible for your feelings, you will continue to create a relationship that doesn't work.
The way out of this - the way to break this codependent system - is for one person to start to take responsibility for his or her own feelings. It really just takes one person to break the unloving system that both have established. When you begin to notice the thoughts that create your fear, insecurity, and feelings of unworthiness and unlovability, then you can start to learn to heal the wounded part of you that is critical of you. As you do your own inner work and learn to love yourself, you stop being a victim. You stop blaming your partner. You stop trying to control your partner into making you feel loved.
While there is no guarantee that your partner will also make changes, there is a good possibility that when you learn how to make yourself happy and take the pressure off your partner to do this for you, he or she might be interested in doing this as well.
Whatever the outer problems are in your relationship - sexual issues, money issues, parenting issues, chores, time, and so on - the underlying issue not taking responsibility for your own feelings. When you decide to learn to do this, you may be thrilled with the results!
Rate this Article:
Current: 0 / 5 stars - 0 vote(s).
Article Source: http://www.articlesbase.com/relationships-articles/a-major-cause-of-relationship-problems-268159.html
|
Submitting articles has become one of the most popular means of generating quality backlinks and targeted traffic to your website. Join us today - It's Free! |
|
Related Articles
Moving Beyond Codependency: Saving Your Marriage
By: Margaret Paul, Ph.d. | 14/10/2007 | Marriage
I have counseled couples for almost 40 years, and it still thrills me when a couple, especially a couple with children, choose to work on their troubled marriage instead of leave it. It is my experience that when two people really want to save their marriage, they can. Even if...
When To Have Sex In A New Relationship
By: Margaret Paul, Ph.d. | 02/02/2007 | Relationships
Joanie, 52, had been dating Ken, 56, for a few months when they went away together for a weekend. Until that time, Joanie had chosen not to have sex with Ken. While she knew that she and Ken were not in love with each other, she felt that they really...
Why Do You Want To "Communicate" With Your Partner?
By: Margaret Paul, Ph.d. | 09/07/2007 | Relationships
When partners are having problems, they often say that the problem is communication. What exactly does this mean? What are they trying to communicate?
There are various reasons for communicating:
1. Sometimes we communicate to offer information about ourselves, such as, "I'm going out for a walk," or "The dinner reservations...
5 Relationship Killers And How To Avoid Them
By: Margaret Paul, Ph.d. | 28/07/2006 | Advertising
As a relationship counselor, I am constantly being asked why so many relationships fail.
Self-Help: Healing Your Broken Heart
By: Margaret Paul, Ph.d. | 14/06/2008 | Self Help
Haley, 38, consulted with me because her boyfriend had just broken up with her. Shocked and broken-hearted, she tearfully told me about how wonderful he was and about how she didn't know how she could survive this break up.
Haley and Owen had been together for over 2 years and were...
Rising Above Mediocrity Today
By: Patric Chan | 10/12/2007 | Self Improvement
Sometimes going the extra mile can make all the difference between being just plain average and excelling.
Dating: Why Are People Rejecting Me?
By: Margaret Paul, Ph.d. | 28/10/2007 | Dating
Aidan decided to consult with me because he wanted to get married and have a family. A handsome man in his mid-30s, it was certainly not obvious at first glance why he could not find a partner.
However, it didn't take me long to understand why relationships were not working for...
Intimacy With Yourself
By: Margaret Paul, Ph.d. | 17/12/2007 | Relationships
Over the 40 years that I have been counseling individual and couples, I have very often worked with people who are considering leaving their marriage. Often they say things like:
* I no longer feel close or intimate with my spouse. I love him/her, but I'm no longer in love with...
Got a Question? Ask.
Ask the community a question about this article:
Q&A Powered by: 
Latest Relationships Articles
Emotional Intimacy
By: Margaret Paul, Ph.d. | 21/08/2008
Experiencing emotional intimacy with others is one of the most satisfying experiences of life. Emotional intimacy, or a sense of deep connection with another person or a group of people, occurs when each person is completely open hearted and devoted to taking 100% responsibility for their own feelings and needs....
Why You Can Still Feel Lonely in a Crowd
By: Rick Cowles | 20/08/2008
You have been invited to a party, and you know only the host and hostess. Other people seem to be friendly and know each other. No one seems to be interested in you.
Great Sex But Dont Pump The Dump
By: David Wygant | 20/08/2008
So, you're dating a woman now whose only sexual experiences have been with men that are pump and dumpers. For those of you who don't know what a pump and dumper is: it's what I call 'minutemen.'
Not the minutemen from the Revolutionary War.. They get in, they thrust their hips,...
Get On Top By Learning How To Talk Dirty To My Boyfriend
By: Erik Willis | 20/08/2008
Guys like to walk about town thinking that sex is all important for them but don't seem to think what it means to a woman. Well, we know how important it is to us girls but we just aren't as blatant or as basic as men are. It seems as...
Do Indian Singles Meet Their Spouce Quicker Now?
By: Billy Baker | 19/08/2008
A helpful article aimed at single Indian men and women who want to choose their own husband or wife. Indicates the benefits and usage of Indian dating sites for this purpose.
12 Mistakes That Prevent a Good Photoshot
By: Lilia Parker | 19/08/2008
Tips on how to receive a solicited reply in a marriage site. What a good quality, professional photographs can do for your future?
Online Indian Dating Exposed
By: Billy Baker | 19/08/2008
Indian dating in the past has been plagued with doubt and suspicion. This article clears up some of the myths and opens the doors to helpful hints and facts about online Indian dating.
How to Find a Long Lost Loved One or Friend
By: Ed Opperman | 18/08/2008
Have you been thinking about someone you've lost touch with? I bet they're thinking about you too. It's time to be reunited.
More from Margaret Paul, Ph.d.
Emotional Intimacy
By: Margaret Paul, Ph.d. | 21/08/2008 | Relationships
Experiencing emotional intimacy with others is one of the most satisfying experiences of life. Emotional intimacy, or a sense of deep connection with another person or a group of people, occurs when each person is completely open hearted and devoted to taking 100% responsibility for their own feelings and needs....
Gratitude vs. Complaining
By: Margaret Paul, Ph.d. | 14/08/2008 | Self Help
"All happy people are grateful. Ungrateful people cannot be happy. We tend to think that being unhappy leads people to complain, but it is truer to say that complaining leads to people becoming unhappy." - Dennis Prager
Take a moment to think about this statement. Have you ever known a happy...
The Wanting Mind, Part 1
By: Margaret Paul, Ph.d. | 07/08/2008 | Self Help
"This force [that keeps us always wanting] is known in several Buddhist traditions as the Wanting Mind. The Wanting Mind is always craving an experience different from the one it currently has." --Brent Kessel, It's Not About the Money
There is nothing wrong with wanting - wanting more time, more money,...
Is Your Relationship Suffering From Emotional Infidelity?
By: Margaret Paul, Ph.d. | 31/07/2008 | Relationships
Emotional infidelity occurs when you or your partner become emotionally connected with someone outside your relationship, either in person or on the Internet.
How dangerous to a marriage or committed relationship is emotional infidelity?
One way of looking at emotional infidelity is that it is very dangerous, because it not only takes...
7 Step
By: Margaret Paul, Ph.d. | 17/07/2008 | Religion
Are you one of those people who secretly wish you believed in God? Or are you one of those people who believe in God in an abstract way rather than a personal way? Are you actually doing everything you can to never have an experience of God, while denying that...
Problems Sleeping?
By: Margaret Paul, Ph.d. | 12/07/2008 | Self Help
Insomnia is quite common in our society. While there many different reasons for sleep problems - such as poor diet, too much sugar and refined carbohydrates, too much caffeine, or lack of exercise - I want to share two major causes and the solutions to these.
Ironically, one of the major...
Diffusing Anger or Feeding the Flames
By: Margaret Paul, Ph.d. | 08/07/2008 | Self Help
Have you ever had an argument with someone - a partner, spouse, close friend, child, parent or other relative, or a business associate - that started small and spiraled into an intense conflict? Have you ever scratched your head, wondering how it got so out of control?
Let's take a look...
Are You Enmeshed With Your Children?
By: Margaret Paul, Ph.d. | 28/06/2008 | Parenting
The Encarta World English Dictionary defines "enmesh" as "to entangle somebody or something in something from which it is difficult to be extricated or separated."
Are you entangled with your children in a way that is limiting both you and your children?
Parents may enmesh with children when they want control over...
|
|
Relationships 
