Affairs Hurt Everyone Involved

Copyright (c) 2009 Lucille Uttermohlen

Infidelity hurts like the dickens. Anyone who has ever been there knows the pain of being deceived. In fact, the lie is probably the worst thing about a spouse's affair.

Consider how you feel when someone misleads you. Have you ever bought something because the ad said it would solve a problem you had? You bring the thing home, and find that it does little to answer your need. You feel taken, and probably say a few words that you'd rather your minister not hear from your sweet lips. If the manufacturer offered an apology for misleading you, but did not give you money back, would you be satisfied?

You wouldn't be inclined to do business with that company again if you could avoid it. But, what if it happened to develop a product that you could use to save your life? Let us say that the promises the company made this time were believed and to some extent tried by people you trusted. Would you give them a second chance? Would you feel good about it?

I'm not saying that finding out about a partner's affair is no more painful than finding that Carl The Honest Tri-state Car Guy might have embellished the truth when he bragged about his satisfied customers. After all, you may be mad at yourself for trusting him, but you never exchanged vows with him, and although losing money is a pain, it's nothing personal.

When a spouse or partner fools around, the betrayal is much deeper. When you commit to building a life together, the expectation is that you will share everything, bad or good. All relationships have their rough spots, but the sharing part should remain consistent. Your good news or bad feelings should not be given to a third party when you have already promised your whole person to another.

This isn't to say that there is never a good reason to end a marriage or partnership. Some people aren't meant to be together, and they don't realize how incompatible they are until they have committed. However, the most important part of the commitment is trust, and trust is a function of openness and honesty.

When one of the partners damages that trust by sneaking a third person into the relationship, the partner not only feels deceived, but truly foolish. After all, how would you feel if you mistakenly confided your deepest emotions and thoughts to the neighborhood gossip? How would you feel if you exposed your best and worst to someone you loved, only to find he / she didn't even respect you enough to keep his / her mouth shut?

If you are unhappy in your relationship, you owe it to your partner to share your unhappiness. You should tell him / her why you are dissatisfied. This is true whether you think the present relationship should end or not. You don't have a right to pull the rug out from under your spouse or partner while you are building a nice feathered landing for yourself.

If you concentrate on your current relationship before starting something else, you may be able to work out your differences. After all, there was something that attracted you to your current partner in the first place, or you would never have committed yourself to the relationship. If you don't resolve your differences with this person, what makes you think you can handle difficulties that could arise with someone else?

Even if you can't heal your differences with your current partner, you owe it to the next person to make a clean break. You can't offer your whole self to another if you are still working through the damage of the old relationship. If your new situation resulted from the fact that you felt unhappy with the old one, your reasons for taking up with the new person are questionable, at best. You can't make good choices about your life when you are angry, resentful, disappointed or otherwise not at your best.

If you are dishonest with your partner, you are breaking the most basic of your vows. You are telling them, as well as yourself, that your word is no good, and that you can't be trusted. The new person is getting your partner's leftovers, and you are trying to divide your resources between two people who frankly deserve your whole attention. If you are running around on your partner, or even thinking about doing it, please stop. I can't guarantee you that you will find happiness ever after if you take this advice, but I can assure you that you will make better choices if you have enough self respect not to be a sneak.