Are you in a Passionless Marriage? the 10 Warning Signs you Haven't Heard About

You and your wife are settled in for the Mary Tyler Moore Show marathon with his and hers bags of microwave popcorn and caffeine-free diet Pepsi. Before Mary even gets in her first, "Oh, Mr. Grant!", the Passion Police bust down your door and handcuff you both. "You are hereby charged with becoming passive about passion." Nearly insane with panic (you're under arrest, after all), you call out to your wife, "Honey, tell them it's a big mistake. They've got the wrong couple!" Your wife makes a similar plea and pledges her undying love for you as evidence of her innocence.

The police captain shakes his head and smirks. "Tell it to the judge. And just for the record, we have evidence that you've both neglected this aspect of your relationship for quite a while."

The next day the judge outlines the case against you. "Mr. and Ms. Icewater, I've never seen so many blatant signs of withered romance. Clearly you've turned a blind eye to this important part of your relationship. Here are the warning signs--all of which you've consistently ignored--of your passion neglect."

Top Ten warning signs you're in a passionless relationship

1. The Poodle you’ve been rubbing for the last twenty minutes turns out to be your husband’s back.

2. Overhearing a conversation about oral sex at the gym reminds you that your annual dental cleaning is overdue.

3. Belching and knuckle-cracking are now acceptable forms of foreplay.

4. According to your wife, the highlight of love-making has become the popping sound your hip makes.

5. The last time your bed squeaked was when the kids used it as a trampoline.

6. Your wife is president of the George Clooney/Brad Pitt/Johnny Depp fan clubs.

7. Your wife is secretary of the Orlando Bloom/Tom Cruise/Jude Law fan clubs.

8. You caught your husband eating your edible underwear…out of the box.

9. The "steamy" email you sent your wife contained the words: sweatpants, anti-fungal, ace bandage, bloating and fiber-rich.

10. While giving your wife a Valentine's Day massage, you replaced the exotic body oil with Pam cooking spray.

The judge turns to you and bellows, "Mr. and Mrs. Icewater, I'm ordering that your marriage be used as an example to others. This list will be placed on the Internet for all to read. My hope is that other couples will take notice and start nurturing the passion in their relationship. Just like any other aspect of relationships, romantic intimacy takes work, consistent attention and time."

The need to keep passion alive in your marriage or relationship isserious business.

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