Breaking the Cycle of Abuse

Women, who have a history of mistreatment in relationships, tend to place themselves back into relationships with men that foster further abuse.  Often, after the damage, women appear to be mystified as to why they set themselves up.  They are easily lulled back into situations that potentially blindside them to personal attacks and betrayal.

So what is the trigger that causes women to repeatedly choose to put themselves in harm’s way?  There is a fascinating dynamic that originates when women are victimized by a troubled childhood; in adulthood, they tend to fluctuate between shame-based feelings and a sense of vulnerability to control.  Women, who experience an absence of parental validation from childhood, will seek affection and attention at all costs.  They will move through every stop sign imaginable in their effort to get "right" what went wrong during their difficult past.

A lack of validation from childhood leads a woman to be vulnerable to emotional hurt which includes self-doubt, shame and blame.  This mix of feelings fuels the pattern by attracting men who invade their personal space.  The same useless interpersonal dance gets replayed over and over again.  Putting themselves back in the fray is a women's way of trying to fix that which remains unfixable - the domination of controlling men.

As they reel from additional assaults, these women eventually retreat into their private, emotional world.  Then the cycle resumes. Rejection and self-blame lead to anxiety, followed by the quest for validation from those who can't give it.  These ladies believe that if they try hard enough, they can fix any damaged relationship.  Their illusion about the way things "should be" clouds their judgment and leaves them susceptible to further abuse.  How do women break this cycle?

• Let go of the dance and embrace the shame and fear.
• Acknowledge self-blame and discover that the relationship wreckage never was about you.
• Learn to experience the kind of constructive anger that says, "I deserve better."
• Fight the urge to get in harm's way with those who would "flip things" by creating conflict.  Stay above the fray.
• Rationally respond to self-blame and vulnerability with positive self-talk.
• Set appropriate boundaries that detach you from partners who might choose to exploit you through intimidation and fear.
• Surround yourself with those who are validating and drop male friends who try to manipulate you as a way of bolstering their own ego.
• Create new, positive goals, relationships and activities.

Women who desire to leave behind their childhood pain must learn to shut down the pattern of being exploited by those who seek to continue the cycle of abuse.  Women who have been abused, can learn to take a step back, refusing to “take the bait” while letting go of the patterns that previously put them at risk.  Only then can they overcome the emotional trauma of their childhood and get themselves unhooked from the men that repeat it.