Developing a Workaround for Your Fear of Rejection

You look up and see a girl and she's your type. You lock eyes for a moment like a pair of deer caught in each other's headlights. She acknowledges you with a mild curiosity in her eyes... waiting. Seconds grind by like hours, and you can feel the moment gurgling away like drain-o down a sewer. You're vaguely aware there's a play to be made here, but you're totally unprepared. Something distracts her then -- she turns away... the train pulls out, she gets into a cab, the bell rings for class. The moment vanishes like a ghost as though it had never existed in the first place. But you will see it over and over again in your mind won't you? Re-played a hundred times.

If you've ever known the agony of watching a chance encounter ripe with romantic possibility slip away while you stood helplessly and watched, then you know all about the lowest moment in a man's life. Fear of having our romantic advances rejected by a woman still remains the #1 most difficult aspect of trying to hook up. And it may in fact be worse today than ever before in the past. After all, when have men ever been at such a social disadvantage to women as they are today... what with the complete collapse of any sort of culturally insistent need for them to act subservient in our presence? When have they ever been as sarcastic, demanding or casually judgmental of our fumbling actions?... or as secure in expressing them -- since they now have the full protection of the law (including government and corporate anti-harassment rules) protecting them from any serious blowback?

This makes the job of romantically approaching a woman a momentous chore for those of us who don't happen to have a monster set of brass balls helping us out. I've done a lot of study and thinking about this subject (not to mention experiencing some delightful kicks in the teeth during the course of my, ah... research), and it seems to me there are THREE critical understandings to know about concerning this fine art of meeting women:

1) You need to have some kind of standard icebreaker. And I'm not talking about some worn-out conversational opener like "been here often?". Stop and think for a moment -- most of us (unless we have some sort of severe social anxiety that requires psychiatric treatment) usually have no real problem making casual small talk with people, even perfect strangers on the subway, and really... even with hot chicks. If you knew in advance that you were only going to walk up to a girl and have a conversation about the weather, why... there would hardly be any anxiety involved in THAT, right? So then why all the fear?

Because we know that if our true desire is to "pick her up", then somehow we will have to do SOMETHING SPECIAL in order to change that mundane conversation over into a romantic one -- and THIS unknown "something" that we have no clue as to how to do is what scares the hell out of us!

I call this essential yet frightening transitional moment in a man-woman exchange "the icebreaker" -- and like I said it is our uncertainty over just how to make this verbal "crossover" without looking like a complete fool that lies at the heart of our fear of rejection. Here in Dr. Frankenstein's "seduction lab" I like to devise various little work-arounds for these types of nasty problems.

One interesting conversational device that I've actually had a surprising amount of luck with is something I call resigned speculation. This is where you ask "The Question" by framing it in a manner that makes it seem like there is, of course, little or no chance of her responding in a positive way: "Listen, I know I'm probably crazy imagining that someone as (attractive, cool, stunning, vibrant) as you would be free to (have dinner, grab some coffee, get a drink) with me some evening...?" And then (the tough part) let that question just hang in the air until she's forced to react. You're speculating, you see -- resigned to the fact that it's probably just a pipe dream that anyone as gorgeous as her would be in a position to take up your wistful offer. See? This sort of oblique approach is disarming, charming and non-threatening to most women... especially if you present it in a playful and teasing manner.

Resigned speculation is a great way to casually cross over the boundary from friendly stranger to romantic possibility without having to make that high-pressure, sweaty "verbal hit" that many of us just can't bring ourselves to do. I've actually been stunned at how many times women will immediately jump at such a seemingly "oh well..." kind of offer. Not always of course, or even most of the time truthfully, but I'll bet it's been around 30-40% of the time in my experience... and in this crazy and unpredictable game baby, dat ain't bad!

2) Whatever you decide your icebreaker is, you need to standardize that statement for yourself, write it down... AND DRIVE IT WAY DOWN DEEP INTO YOUR UNCONSCIOUS MIND! That's because when the moment arrives and you see a great looking girl and have a perfect opportunity to approach her... your nerves will start to jangle, your mind will blank out and pretty much just flatline on you. And when your skull is empty, you are powerless my friend.

You need to do whatever it takes to make this phrase as easy to remember as a song lyric that you've heard blasted a thousand times on the radio. Something that you can 'sing' on a moment's notice in any situation... a park, an elevator, a party. Otherwise you are merely carrying around a lot of book learning in your head, but you haven't cultivated any actual SKILL yet.

3) The ability to meet and seduce women is one of the most difficult things that we will ever have to learn how to do as men. Maybe if you're currently training to land the next generation of Altair spacecraft on the moon in 15 years you've got something tougher going on in your life, but for the rest of us this sad fact remains basically true. The point is that you've got to understand the magnitude of this life challenge in order to give yourself a break and set yourself free any sense of shame that could still be lingering from past failures and fouling you up. Your behaviors are always just an expression of your most persistent thoughts -- and if those thoughts constantly linger on how much you suck and how hopeless and helpless you are, then your life's reality will follow suit... and it too will come to suck.

Begin by losing any "emotionally scarred for life" type of crutch that you might currently be hobbling around on. Nobody gets to ride any sob story for life, I don't care how horrible it was. The shelf life expires someday. You must develop the determination to press on and become as good as you need to be at this aspect of your male existence. Some of you will want to become big time players for instance, while others may be looking for a wife or girlfriend. Many of you just need to get laid and then allow that event to guide you where it may. Decide at what level YOU need to play this game, and then approach the task of acquiring the necessary skills to do so in a logical and rational fashion devoid of any "clouding" emotions such as bitterness or despair. This is how you eventually get good at charming women, it's no magic.