Ending an Affair: What to Do, What to Avoid

Having an affair can be life-changing - and usually not for the better. Sure, there is the initial thrill of having a new lover and even the brief excitement of doing something "naughty." But, having an affair is almost sure to end unhappily for all involved.

Of course, your affair can hurt the person you are cheating on, even if they are not aware of what is going on. Why? Because the emotional and sexual energy you divert from them to your new lover means you are depriving them of what you implicitly or explicitly promised to them. Your husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend needs your love, too, and when you have an affair, you take that opportunity away from them.

Of course, one of the worst ways your affair can turn out is that the person on you are cheating on finds out about what is going on without your telling them. In most cases, that leads to an immediate breakup and a lifetime of residual bitterness toward the unfaithful one. Even in those cases whereby the cheater is forgiven for the affair after being found out, the knowledge of the affair usually changes the lives of both people forever. Somehow, the relationship is never the same after that.

If you are thinking about ending an affair, here are important tips on what to do and what to avoid:

What to Do:

1. Be respectful of your own feelings: When you are having an affair and thinking about how to end it, it is easy to ignore your own feelings about what you really want deep down inside. This remains true regardless of which other person in your love triangle you really want. Get in touch with what you want before you start taking action.

2. Remain careful with the feelings of your original lover: The person who potentially stands to get hurt the most from your infidelity is, of course, the person on whom you are cheating. No matter how you choose to resolve your dilemma, it is imperative that you always remain conscious of his or her fragile feelings.

3. Be to-the-point and direct: When you confront your newer lover about your desire to end your affair, make sure you are to-the-point and direct. While you will be tempted to beat around the bush about your intentions, direct is best. Direct, but of course gentle.

4. Cut it off for good: When you do cut things off, make it permanent. If you end the affair but come back later for brief trysts, you will only be prolonging the inevitable.

What to Avoid:

5. Revealing details about your affair: If you do choose to reveal the fact of your affair to your spouse (or boyfriend/girlfriend), make sure to spare them the details of the affair. They will only relive every detail in their minds a thousand times. Spare them the torture.

6. Leaving any room for hope that the relationship could be rekindled: When you break off the affair, avoid giving your lover any shred of hope that you might change your mind in the future. It needs to be complete break.

7. Saying that you will always love him or her: Make sure to avoid saying that you will always care about or love him her : that, too, will breed unnecessary hope (see #6 above).

8. Telling your newer lover that your feelings were never genuine in the first place: When you break it off, you might try to delude yourself or your lover by saying that your feelings were never real. Of course they were real, so do not add insult to injury with this type of lie.

Ending an affair is of course never easy - and every situation is unique. But, if you follow my advice, you will find yourself in a much better place mentally and emotionally to rebuild your original relationship.