How to Know When You are Being Attacked (part 1 of 4)

Many attackers are under the radar of what we most think of as an attack. There are many types of attack that most of us never realize we are the victim of until it is too late. When frustration sets in and you feel powerless to do anything about it – chances are good you are in the grips of someone that not have your best interests in mind but rather their own agenda and it is at your expense. One of the most common forms of this sneaky type attack is Passive Aggression.

Passive aggressive attackers know that in order to be effective they must be stealthy and camouflage their intentions as well meant. They mask their behavior in ways that should you discover their hidden motives you will surely be accused of being ungrateful, paranoid, or just plain crazy. In this way they use guilt, obligation, or low self-esteem as a defense mechanism to boomerang you. This form of attack is meant to drive you crazy, make you angry, and doubt yourself all for a very good reason.

Passive Aggression is masked as someone who tells exactly what you want to hear. They play on your hopes, dreams, and desires only to leave you high and dry forgetting or just dismissing dates, promises, and agreements. A passive aggressive person’s word is useless and of no value to anyone - not even themselves. The reality is that their behavior is self defeating. Those who would love and care for them disappear in clouds of disappointment, hurt, and frustration. This is one reason passive aggressive people are unable to engage in long lasting meaningful relationships. 

The source of passive aggressive behavior stems from the individual feeling powerless on some level in their lives whether it is result of being neglected as a child or not feeling validated in their personal relationships. As a child they feel the pain of neglect; their anger goes dismissed and the child becomes introverted which then goes up to be a very self-centered adult who lives in their own world, they will visit your world as long as suites them. However, know that although they seem to be enjoying your world they, once again, feel neglected because they are not in their world.

These people can not deal with their anger and fear of being neglected again by someone they love. So as you become more important to them the more likely it is that they will dismiss you.  This is part of their defense mechanism. Their thinking is that they will minimize your importance in their life before you can do it to them.

 They never learned to deal with their anger, hurt, and frustration of being neglected since they did not receive and guidance or feedback as a result of being neglected. Neglect is a petri dish upon which any disorder or pain will flourish unchecked and out of control.  Ironically, the only way they can face the pain they have suffered is by inflicting it in another and meeting it face-to-face. Thus the neglected child victim becomes the adult neglecter/abuser so that they may feel the power that they believe was taken from them and see their pain in another rather than experiencing the pain themselves.

 The only way to handle this type of attack is by not letting them off the hook. Granted it is passive but it is still aggression which is unacceptable and needs to be addressed. These people desperately need to know that what they did to you is NOT ok. There are 3 messages a passive aggressive person needs to hear and understand fully.

 1.       That what they did to you is not ok and you are angry

 2.       You place little or no value on  people you can not count on

 3.       You do not associate with those who say one thing and do another or do nothing

 The first point actually helps them in that it is showing them how to handle their anger by letting it out and letting it be known. It is very important to use you best judgment here, you are in the roll of teacher. The second point lets them know that they have lost significance in your life. Playing hard to get is not going to work for you. The third point makes clear that you have your personal power within you, they can not take it, and they can either do the talk or you will walk. This third point is as essential as it’s follow through should their behavior not improve. It puts into words and action that they will become the “outsider” again and it will be as a result of their own actions. You are taking form them the power to make you a victim and you are making it clear that you are giving them the power to choose for themselves, victim, abuser, or neither.

 Be aware that a passive aggressive person’s defense is to neglect. So while you are making your 3 points above be prepared for them to trivialize and dismiss your concerns. You may absolutely call them out on this tactic and even tell them you expected their response as part of typical passive aggressive behavior. The truly hopeless passive aggressive will dismiss this too. However, should they show emotion this is actually a step in the right direction and evidence that they are allowing themselves to care enough to get upset. Thus, they are beginning to breaking out of their passive aggressive pattern and into an actively participating emotional state. Support for this new direction can be evident in your surprise that they care; asking them what they feel rather than what they think, and finally guiding them through conflict resolution and getting them to commit repeatedly to an agreement.

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