It's fair to say that most people avoid contact whenever they are faced with it especially in a relationship. Conflict and arguments make us feel weak and can cause us to feel badly about ourselves and our lives. If you find that you and your partner are constantly fighting, and you don't know what you do about it, maybe these tips will be able to help.
What are you fighting for?
There may be times when it seems like you're fighting about everything from the litter box to the bills, the way someone snores to how they put the towel on the floor after a shower. But what you might want to start to recognize is that not all fights are actually about anything important at all they're merely symbols of something larger. And it's that larger thing that you need to tackle in order to stop the fighting and arguing.
But how do you get to this larger issue? First of all, there are many psychological techniques that can help you, so there's no need to become frustrated before you even start. Some couples are able to sit down and talk about what frustrates them, but for those that can not, writing is an amazingly effective way to get your feelings out. What you can do is simply take five minutes to write until you run out of things to say. While you might not think that you can write for that long, you'll be surprised what happens once you get started. This free writing exercise allows your mind to switch off and allows the censors to be quiet so that you can release your real feelings about what is happening in your relationship.
Every day help
You may also want to try this exercise every morning when you first wake up. By writing down everything that is on your mind, you will keep it from becoming too 'full' and confused. Many people find that this exercise not only allows them to be calmer in their relationship, but that they can also find solutions to ongoing problems that come up. This is a long term tool that works for many couples.
Right now
If you want to diffuse your fighting today, you can do several things. First of all, it helps to step outside of your anger and your frustration by realizing what is really happening. Talk about the 'source' of your fighting as though it were happening to someone else. This might mean that you start to refer to each other in the third person (he or she) in order to fully separate yourself from the emotions that are occurring. You might also want to start talking in hushed tones to calm down your body physically so that your mind responds as well. It's hard to be upset when you're talking softly.
What are you getting out of fighting?
Another thing that you will want to consider is whether or not you're rewarding the other person for fighting with you, or if they are rewarding you. We only do things that bring us some sort of satisfaction, so what is the reward of all of your fighting? Think about what happens immediately after a fight. Do you head to the bedroom as a sort of reward for the fight being over? Do you talk lovingly to each other or go out and reward your selves in some other manner?
When you start to realize that pattern of your fighting, you might start to see that you are actually allowing it to continue to happen. Instead of making it something that isn't good for your relationship, you're creating the connection that if you fight, you will get something in return. To effectively stop the fighting and start uncovering what the source is, you need to stop rewarding the fighting itself. After a fight, you shouldn't do anything that makes it rewarding. Sit with each other, but try not to create any sort of reward unless you actually work through the problem that you have fought about.
Fighting isn't something that you can entirely avoid, but it is a signal that you should look more closely at your relationship and how you are managing it. By taking the time to write out your feelings and then discussing problems calmly, you won't have to start yelling in order to feel heard.
Got a Question? Ask.
Ask the community a question about this article:
Frequently Asked Questions
Married to a chronic liar
By: smile | 01-10-2008
What can i or should I do when my husband is constantly lying especially about money and now we are about to loose everything we have. He already ruined our credit. Thanks
Songs relating to people passing away and watching ...
By: ellen | 30-09-2008
Songs relating to people passing away and watching ove you
Advice:I realy like this girl at school but i do ...
By: big dan | 30-09-2008
advice:I realy like this girl at school but i do not now if I shuld tell her?
Concerned very!!!
By: Kevin | 30-09-2008
cherry meeting site. Anyone know this site because I want to know if GF is on it. She says shes not and dont believe her. I just want to see myself but cant find the link to look. Need Help
I have been married to the same man since I was 16 ...
By: marinamom | 30-09-2008
I have been married to the same man since I was 16 years old. We have been married for 36 years and I think that I am not in love with him anymore. He is not passionate at all, no kissing, no sex, nothing at all. We are in the midst of bankruptcy and he knows how unhappy I am. I have been seeing someone that I feel that I love more than my husband, I think that he loves me too. What can I do? I deserve some happiness too. Thanks
I found out my wife has been having an affair for ...
By: rockyman26 | 30-09-2008
I found out my wife has been having an affair for 8 years. can you really survive an eight year affair and be happy
Q&A Powered by:
More from Mailcucan
What Women Really Want in Sex
By: Mailcucan | 03/01/2007 | Marriage
One of the biggest breakthroughs in the study of human sexuality in the 1960s was the acknowledgment of what are called erogenous zones – areas on the body that have heightened sensitivity, and which are connected directly to sexual response. By knowing what they are, where they are, and how to touch a woman there in just the right way, you’ll increase both her pleasure and your own. The five major erogenous zones are:
7 Amazing Ways to Let Her Know That you are the Best Deal!
By: Mailcucan | 27/12/2006 | Relationships
Going on a date is a lot like going to a job interview – you wear your nicest clothes, you try to present yourself in the best light, and you worry about saying something stupid. And in both situations you’re trying to sell yourself to someone else. So what are the best things to do to show a woman that you’re a great catch?
How to Turn Her Wild in Bed
By: Mailcucan | 27/12/2006 | Relationships
Meeting a wonderful woman and taking her to bed is an exciting, intimidating event. It’s not enough to just show up and go through the motions – you want to rock her world, so that she’ll keep coming back for more. So how do you become the considerate, assured lover that will drive her wild? It’s not as difficult as you might think, if you know a few basic lovemaking secrets.
How to Tell if She is Really Committed to the Relationship
By: Mailcucan | 27/12/2006 | Relationships
So you’ve found the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with. The problem is, how do you know if she feels the same way about you? You may also be wondering if she’s really the one for you. There are a few question you can ask to determine if the time is right to take the plunge:
5 Killer Ways to Attract a Woman Who is an Entrepreneur
By: Mailcucan | 27/12/2006 | Relationships
People who are successful in business tend to be charming, dynamic and just plain interesting to be around. Dating successful women can be immensely rewarding – but it can also be something of a challenge, if you’re not the entirely secure and confident about your own strengths. If you’re up to the task, however, attracting a woman who owns her own business could bring you a great deal of happiness. So how do you do it?
5 Effective Ways to Attract a Woman Who is the Only Child
By: Mailcucan | 27/12/2006 | Relationships
The order in which you were born into your family strongly influences your personality, researchers have found. The firstborn children in a family tend to be smarter and more achievement oriented according to the theories originally developed by psychiatrist Alfred Adler, and children without any siblings – “only children” – are similar in personality.
What you Should Know About your Pets and Feng Shui
By: Mailcucan | 23/12/2006 | Self Help
So, you’ve decided to look into this Feng Shui thing and you’ve started to make some changes around your home. You’ve rearranged a few things here, put out a few good luck charms there and you’ve adjusted your color scheme accordingly.
10 Keys to Using Color With Feng Shui
By: Mailcucan | 23/12/2006 | Self Help
For those that are looking to change their lives and want to take a fresh, organic and affordable path to that goal, Feng Shui is the answer. Feng Shui is much more than just organizing your belongings in a particular way to allow for optimal chi flow, it is an entire state of mind.
Relationships 
