Love: What is It?

Time and again we spot a cartoon in one of our local dailies with the caption that begins ‘love is …’ The electronic media continues to give us a diet of soap operas in which the main theme is love – In all its forms. Walking down any street, you can’t help but yield to the magnetic force calling your attention to the message on a billboard, ‘true love waits’ and afterwards go on musing over the meaning of this human emotion that has to ‘wait’. The big question centers around unearthing the mystery behind this four-letter word that has been on the lips of humanity since the beginning of time.

The notions advanced by some notable writers, laureates and philosophers are diverse and interesting if not outrageous. The legendary Greek philosopher, Plato, described love as ‘a grave mental disease’. The English poet, Daniel Samuel, viewed it as ‘a sickness full of woes, all remedies refusing’. Still continuing in this strange elite train of thought, Ambrose Bierce, the American journalist and author, described love as ‘a temporary insanity curable by marriage or by removal of the patient from the influence under which he incurred the disorder’.

Once even the music group ‘SWV’ posed a question in their debut album ‘New beginning’ as to why love is the way it is with pain and joy existing in a single emotion! The ‘70s group, ‘Nazareth’ concluded that love is a knife that was meant to cut and cause pain.

Such is the stand held by some of the world’s intelligentsia and celebrities regarding this word which is as old as the universe itself. Perchance, the mystery enshrouding this blossom of romance is an indication of the complexity of the phenomenon and also a good reason why so many have fallen victims to its captivatingly enchanting spell oblivious of its true nature!

Looking at the expressed sentiments above, it is very easy to conclude that love is a force straight from hell but maybe some words from the other side of the elite caste shows otherwise. The great human rights activist, Dr. Martin Luther King, described it as ‘an image of God … the living essence of all divine nature which beams full of goodness’. Emerson Waldo, the American essayist, called it ‘the highest word and the synonym of God’. So at least there is a good side to love after all!

Love is a special and unique experience that every human has to have at one time of his life, whether it is apparent to him or not (even Hitler had a love life!).

We are all afraid of the empty feeling of separateness and aloneness because we are social beings incapable of solitude. In seeking companionship, we indulge ourselves in relationships that we feel could, or might satisfy our instinctive desire for love and affection. In this quest, we become entangled in varied forms of relations – Some exciting and others an outright defamation of an otherwise beautiful experience. This quickly brings to light two broad categories of love, mature and immature love as is elucidated in the next few paragraphs.

Immature love

Sadism

Also called the love of possession, it embodies a relationship in which one partner derives pleasure and satisfaction by inflicting pain on the other. The sadist dominates every aspect of the other’s life, shredding every bit of the beloved’s identity. The beloved becomes a subdued shell of a human being conditioned to hold dear a doctrine of never rising above or near the sadist in ideas or actions but rather to take pleasure and pride in accommodating all manner of physical and psychological torture and humiliation. In the final analysis, the persecuted partner’s identity as a person is killed and the sadist is still alone and separate. Sadism is not about co-existence of two people who love each other, it is a total domination of one by the other in a relationship where the submissive partner ceases to exist.

Masochism

This is the opposite of sadism. Known also as the love of submission, the masochist thinks he has found atonement by submitting to the tortures of the lover. The masochist becomes submerged in a mission to please the beloved. In futility, the submissive lover exaggerates the qualities of the beloved to the extent of even idealising them. Before the masochist's eyes, the beloved is like a demi-god, to be worshiped, obeyed and wholly trusted. The love of submission subsists because of a warped logic in the mind of the masochist that he evades separateness and aloneness by being 'one' with the beloved.

True indeed, the beloved is ever present and the masochist is thus never alone but in reality, the masochist lacks initiative to contribute positively to the relationship. What is seen as love is, in actual fact, slavery!

Homosexuality

This is a form of love which for a long time has never been spoken so openly like it has in the last few years when the advocates of this strange love have had the audacity to declare it openly and even seek its legality in society. We need not look far to see how unfulfilling and immature this love is , "do not lie with a man as one lies with a woman, it is detestable (Leviticus 18:22)". Clearly God denounces this form of love. This perverse act be it in men or women (lesbianism) belittles the very reason man and woman were created - To become one in love. "it is not good for man to live alone. I will make a suitable companion to help him. So … God … formed woman (Genesis 2:18;22). If God had intended for man to share his love with another, He certainly would never have created the woman as his companion or the other way round for the woman (or would He!).

Mature love

Mature love is true and is a divine gift from God bestowed upon humankind from the moment the creator said, 'let's make man in our own image'. When the last touch was applied to this masterpiece of creation, love was installed as an in-built trait, to be discovered and enhanced between two people and never to be 'made' as the stereotype goes.

It does not imply sex but instead sex should be viewed as secondary to the romantic experiences two love birds share in a relationship and designed to be the completion of intimacy. Hence sex before marriage isn't the culmination of love, it is simply fornication!

Often in our relationship our spouses our spouses prompt us with the challenge of proving our love. Sadly, for many of us, the response is usually sexual. Such love is short-lived because sooner or later the orgiastic flavour dies away and the longing for other ‘greener, uncultivated pastures increases. There are many ways of proving our love other than through sex – in fact as many as there are stars in the sky! Let me take you down memory lane for a while. Do you recall that gift you bought her on her birthday last year or the executive pen you bought him last month? How am I doing so far? Remember that wonderful walk in the park you had together once or twice reflecting, amidst laughter, the many obstacles you went through to be where you are today or better still, recall that one tempting evening after a brief disagreement with your girlfriend, you coincidentally get visited by the lady next door with some very 'hot proposals' up her sleeve and despite the fact that your guard is down and you are psychologically weakened by the earlier incident with the lady you love, you summoned enough strength within you to say NO? such is the nature of true love.

Your love is proven when Paula and Greta, your supposed best friends, gang up to topple your love empire with malicious accusations against your boyfriend and you tell them right to their faces that 'he was at home all day' or 'Tom wouldn't do such a thing' - because you know him well enough to know he is not that type.

Woe to those who don't know each other well, they are not truly in love. Love is about trusting each other with your most intimate secrets.

Suffice it to say, true love is also about giving. It is in our giving that we experience comfort and peace in a relationship that is supposed to be very symbiotic. Our giving, though, has grown into a kind of competition. If last Christmas you received a wristwatch from her this Christmas you make sure you outdo her with an even grander gift. This show-off game continues to a stage where you are both smothered in a financial crisis that spells doom for your relationship. If only the exchange of gifts could been seen for its symbolic value instead of the big price tags and prestige that it comes with, how beautiful this love would be!

Fruits Of True Love

True love is a productive engagement that bears fruits that depict its maturity. The fruits of love are, among others, care, respect, responsibility and knowledge.

Care is about showing concern for your be-loved, respect entails seeing the uniqueness and individuality in your lover in a light like no other person alive can. You love her because she is unique, you adore him because he is 'one in a million'. Respect those traits in the be-loved that make him or her unique because they are what attracts you. Change them and you will find yourself without a reason for loving! Responsibility ni love is shown in the ability and willingness of the lovers to respond to each other's needs be they financial, educational or social.



Finally, true love is full of knowledge. It is this last fruit that enlightens the lovers and causes them to rise above the common love stereotypes like, 'love is blind', 'love without sex is dead', or the more popular 'there's no romance without finance' idolised by the popular '80s song going by the same title. These, and many others, are misinformed notions devoid of knowledge. Through this fruit, our eyes are open to the marvel and beauty that no one else can behold in those we love.

At the end of the day we can, I hope, face the advertisements, captions and the billboard messages with a renewed confidence since we are better placed to understand that this little thing called love is patient and kind, isn't jealous, conceited or proud, isn't ill-mannered, selfish or irritable and doesn't keep a record of wrongs, is not happy with evil but with the truth, it doesn't give up and its faith, hope and patience never fail.