Men Have Questions Too…

Ladies, men are just as apprehensive about relationships as you are about the true intentions of a man.

You have been given a few set of questions to ask and avoid from some relationship experts such as Steve Harvey, but are you having success?

Recently on his radio show during his dating game segment, a young man asked a contestant: “What do you like to do for fun?” Steve, said under his breath: “Don’t answer that question” “Trick Question” implying that if you tell a man what you like is giving him the key to your heart. In other words, he would do just that maybe until he get the cookie and then move on to the next victim. The young man laugh as if he knew what Steve was talking about, but based on my research; his laugh and silence indicated something totally different that I will explain later in this article.

I understand the essence of the question and know that Steve has a good heart and only wants to help. I love his show and been uplifted and helped personally myself. But my research speaks for men and I’m here to tell you that his question and response is unchallenged. When challenged directly with men as I do in the field daily, depending on the age of the man, he usually asks that question, “What do you like to do for fun,” to gage other things than being cynical about his intent. In other words, young men under 30 grew up listening to songs like “Can you pay my bills”, “No Scrubbs” and “What have you done for me lately.” His views of women are a lot different than of men over 30. He would usually ask this question for the following reason given in my research:

• To see if she enjoys the same things as he does
• To see if he can afford her fun level e.g. what if she says “I love to travel”, well he knows that this cost money and he may not be in that income bracket yet? He would usually move on to someone else less expensive.
• He simply wants to please her
• To determine if they are socially compatible.

Men over 30 who are working and have a steady gig would not mine the travel response.

Think about this, if a guys does the things you like isn’t that what you want? Can you gage his intent in other ways? What if he is good in answering questions? What do you have in your relationship owner’s manual anyway? Do you list the things you like and your non-negotiables? Do you expect the man who wants to spend time with you and to commit want to do those things?

Please understand that men are looking for women who are their intellectual equal too and have the same social values. Again he is apprehensive about your intent too and looking for a woman who is real and not just trying to game him.

Let me tell you what happens if you answer that question with the type of man you like as Steve suggested, especially if you are dealing with a Black man. “If you say something like, I’m looking for a man who is kind and courteous” and he asked you “what do you like to do for fun or the things you like”. This is the response you will get in the man’s mind based on my out in the field research of Black men:

“She is playing mind games.” “She seems uppity and stuck-up” “She is trying to make me feel stupid” or “She is one of those types who will be difficult to deal with” These were from average working brothers looking for a good woman. I mean a good man. I’ve heard this from above average men too.

But for the brothers who are above average, more educated and have great communication skills. They answered all of the questions with pride and then went directly into an intellectual competition with that woman answering and asking questions. The questioning became a challenge within itself and these brothas are very competitive. Do you know what I noticed what happened next. He lost interest in that woman after she became less challenging and competitive based on my research. Now if this woman was confident, approachable and knows how to give compliments and engaging, this is the way to these types of brothas heart while getting those questions answered. However, I’ve seen many cases where these brothas said all of the right things, waiting for sex and still took the cookie and ran. These are the type of men who love a challenge. This is another article.

Ladies, just tell a man what you like and simply have standards. Do not just say that you do, just have them. He understands that you are lady-like and would treat you accordingly. His questions are NOT THAT CYNICAL!!! All of these upfront questions are not creating success for most women out here. Don’t get me wrong, ask the questions but be more engaging at the same time. Be a confident but fun person and look for the right time to get your questions answered. Please do not interrogate these brothas, they are walking away thinking that you are trouble based on my research.

Just know the men in the dating scene have questions too and are not just looking for the cookie. Stop coming off like they all are and watch how you will appear fun and engaging and have your pick of a good man. Why, he would simply like hanging with you.

Why that brother on the radio show laughed at Steve’s response and did not comment on the whys behind his question? Well, he did not have a clue what Steve was talking about and did not want to look or sound stupid especially on a national radio show or attempt to challenge Steve. In his heart, he had good intentions.  He more than likely asked the question based on the reasons in this article with pure intentions. How do I know, well think about this: why would he ask a question like that on a national radio show where probably his family, mother and friends were listening if he felt that it was inappropriate? He believed that it was appropriate because men, especially those under 30 usually ask that question to women all the time in the field. We can not sit on a pedestal and judge them.  Based on my direct out in the field research, these young men ask that question without the intent that Steve implied.