Misunderstood Personality in Relationships and Divorce

Character (personality) has not changed for thousands of years. It still is a dangerous and fictionalized force in human nature. Character has evolutionary links with modern oppression, dependency, elitism, deception and illegitimate anger--dynamics that shape social ties and restrict adaptive potential. Misunderstood character in disordered relationships can complicate depression, anxiety and stress.

Trying to understand the character of a partner or spouse may lead to prolonged anxiety, depression, domestic violence or even death. CBS 48 Hours, 20/20 and Dateline do a great job of tracking dark character in relationships, but they still leave you hanging in terms of understanding personality.

The late Dr. Martin Luther King challenged us to accurately judge character; not just repeat history by bearing false witness. He may have underestimated the arduous nature of examining character in marital problems, divorce, politics and other relationships. Bearing false witness fuels anti-American sentiment, terrorism, marital problems, hostile divorces and domestic violence.

Bearing false witness helps adults hide their core personality. Simply put, adults who engage in illegitimate character assassination are bolstering an artificial sense of adult competency. This complicates understanding their personality and affiliated motives.

Objectively judging character is difficult when partners, politicians or family members disguise or deny their true motives. Most people want relationships, but many never understand why they need them. This is an example of what Freud referred to as unconscious motivation.

Dependency and primitive aggression are related. Some adults resist having their interpersonal dependencies challenged. Oppression helps tyrants stabilize their entitled dependencies. Our politicians debate the role of dependency in legislation. More than eighty Duke University professors relied upon their delusional reasoning long before the supposed rape case was dismissed.

People also forget Dr. King when they cling to demographics while judging others. Many may never forgive Michael Vick because he is wealthy. Selective forgiveness intensifies marital problems, divorce and domestic violence. These trying events complicate the treatment of depression, anxiety and stress reactions.

Consider the meaningless nature of demographics in the following case. An order was written for me to test a hospitalized patient. The patient was depressed and uncooperative which meant I became very familiar with this person. After completing the report, the patient fired the admitting psychiatrist and hired a new one.

The second doctor called and informed me that I had tested the wrong patient. The new doctor said, “I have informed everyone to disregard your findings and I have told the insurance company not to pay you.”

The story becomes even more bizarre when this “distinguished” psychiatrist said, “I know this patient and their IQ is twenty points higher. Several years later, the patient committed suicide. A cardinal rule in mental health involves never treating friends or family members.

Did gender, race or socioeconomic status matter in this tragic case? Personality, not demographics, shapes alarming medical errors, marital problems, divorce, domestic violence, depression and anxiety.

Understanding variations in personality can be difficult if one is oppressed, busy, too certain, depressed or anxious. Even when life is good, many adults spend years grappling with misunderstood themes in relationships that are shaped by both nature (genetic) and nurture (the environment). These themes or agendas offer clues regarding how adults manage their relationships. The following personality agendas reside beneath our social facades and demographics.

PRIMITIVE: Adults are adept in terms of disguising or denying their motives. They prey upon others with seductive styles or manipulative anger. Their judgments are filtered by their own self interests. Creating or avoiding problems is a common defensive style in relationships and politics. Primitives self-servingly select which laws should be honored. Interpersonal dependency is usually denied and underestimated.

Adults commonly embrace P-F-D, a primitive defensive triad when their interpersonal motives are challenged by others. Projection involves displacing fictional traits or motives upon institutions and others. With elite psychological certainty, these adults feel entitled to misjudge the character of others. Fabrication, or lying, compounds projection. Denial also distorts reality and reduces anxiety associated with accountability and self-awareness. This triad helps primitives remain mysteriously complicated.

CONFORMING: Fitting in and accommodating others is important. Some feel awkward taking stands on difficult subjects while others see only one way of doing things. Adults may regress, mature or pretend all is well in trying relationships. Princess Diana probably experienced conforming premarital tensions. Many poignantly identify with her tragic destiny in terms of where relationships take people in life.

HONORABLE: These adults manage their losses and betrayals without harming others. They understand the adaptive signals of anger, depression, anxiety and stress. They are comfortably honest with disclosing who they really are. What they say about themselves lines up with their actions. These adults are easy to love and easy to leave.

Tolerating disordered relationships is no longer acceptable. Honorables understand the limits of reasoning (personality) within themselves and others. This acceptance helps them embrace honor rather than manufacture divorce brutality and domestic violence when relationships die. Interpersonal integrity is unconditional and not rigidly linked to marital status.

Sons, daughters and parents come to terms with the personalities of family members and others they never really knew? Throughout history, adaptive potential has been associated with evolving beyond dangerous or confounding relationships. This journey is less complicated today because understanding personality decreases the prolonged confusion associated with painful social ties.