Sternberg’s Consummate Love: A Comparison Benchmark for Love

Are you in love or is someone in love with you? If the answer is yes to either of these questions, then this article might be useful for your love life. The emotion of love that you are feeling cannot be defined consistently. It however can be experienced and described in an understanding manner. Whatever the type or intensity of love that you are experiencing right now, it might be useful to compare it to what Robert J. Sternberg (1986) considered as a complete form of love, which he termed as “Consummate Love”. Now before we get into the debate of whether there is such a thing as “a complete form of love”, I would like to qualify that I am only quoting Sternberg’s perspective as a comparison benchmark and not as the only dogma for love. Another matter to be noted is the use of the term “persons”.

Why I use the term “Persons?”

The term person is being employed here to avoid gender biasness and heterosexism. My personal view of gender is that, it stands for “the state of being male or female”, and sex refers to sexual orientation (Weiten & Lloyd, 2006). Thus, whether you are a male or a female, with whatever sexual orientation, you can experience the emotion of love. I believe that up to this stage, there isn’t much controversy. But what about the next question?

What is the traditional perspective of love and sexual orientation?

Male can fall in love with a female and have sexual relationship. This is acceptable according to heterosexism. But when a male falls in love with a male or a female falls in love with a female and have a sexual relationship, there are no problems among themselves, but they might face almost militant type of aggression and opposition from others. We are living in the nuclear age, with astounding advances in arts, sciences and technology, and yet there are still large segments of societies, that either cannot or do not want to understand and differentiate between gender,  love, and sexual orientation.

Love and sexual orientation

Love is an emotion that can be experienced by males and females (persons). Sexual orientation can simply be described as persons’ sexual preferences with the other gender, the same gender, or either gender (Weiten & Lloyd, 2006). So we have labels for persons with different types of sexual preferences. Males who prefer females are called “heterosexuals”. Males who prefer males are called “homosexuals”. Females who prefer females are called “lesbians”. Males or females who prefer either gender are called “bisexuals”. The foregoing labels all refer to the subjective sexual preferences of individual persons. As in heterosexual love relationships, it is biologically and psychologically possible for homosexual, lesbian and bisexual love relationships. And these love relationships are then reciprocated in sexual relationships. However it must be noted that in certain instances, a heterosexual, homosexual, lesbian or bisexual sexual relationship is devoid of the emotion of love. It is purely a preferential sexual orientation. The next matter is to clarify any possible debate over the foregoing gender and preferential sexual orientation in a person’s love life.

Consummate Love: A Comparison Benchmark for Love

I believe that at this stage of this article, those who hold the heterosexism perspective might be ready to debate on the ethical, moral, legal and religious issues of gender and preferential sexual orientation in a person’s love life. Before I continue, I would like to clarify that as a graduate student of Counseling Psychology, I am only interested in the process and dynamics of consummate love as a benchmark for love regardless of the preferred sexual orientation. I do not support nor am an activist of any particular perspective of gender or preferential sexual orientation.  The issues of gender and preferential sexual orientation ought to be resolved by the receptive individual person within the context of their own societies. So what is Sternberg’s consummate love?

What is Sternberg’s Consummate Love?

            Though there are many definitions and concepts of love, this article would focus on Sternberg’s Consummate Love. Robert J. Sternberg considered consummate love as a complete form of love. He listed Intimacy, Passion and Commitment as the three vital components that determine the type and strength of a person’s love. Let us first look at the three vital components that develop a complete form of love. The first component is intimacy.

            First Component – Intimacy

                        Sternberg (1988a, pp. 38-40), identified ten aspects of intimacy which are self-explanatory. 1) Desiring to enhance the well-being of a loved one. 2)  Enjoying happiness with the loved one. 3) Esteeming the love one highly. 4) Being able to rely on the loved one in times of need. 5) Possessing mutual understanding. 6) Sharing one’s self and one’s possession. 7) Accepting emotional support from the loved one. 8) Providing emotional support to the loved one. 9) Communicating intimately with the loved one. 10) Appreciating the presence of the loved one in one’s life. Next, the second component is passion.

            Second Component – Passion

                        Passion can be either positive or negative intense desires, including sexual desires experienced in a love relationship. Passion also includes needs like self-esteem, dominance, submission (Evans & Tait, 1991, p.212). And lastly, the third component is commitment.

            Third Component – Commitment

                        Commitment is the cognitive component of love which includes both short term and long term decisions in loving a person. The short term decision is to love your partner. The long term decision is to maintain that love and make it endure (Sternberg 1986, 1987, 1988a). It was based on these three components of love that Sternberg developed the seven different types of love experiences. The seven different types of love experiences are as follows.

What are the Seven Types of Love Experiences?

1.      Non-Love: There in an absence of intimacy, passion and Commitment. This refers to an acquaintance kind of relationship. This has no love experience in this category.

2.      Liking: There is the component of intimacy but passion and commitment is absent. Friendship relationships typify this category.

3.      Infatuated Love: There is the presence of passion but intimacy and commitment are absent. This is the “love at first sight” type. It can be very sexually orientated.

4.      Empty Love: There is the component of commitment but intimacy and passion is absent. In collective societies that belief in arranged marriages, the initial stage of marriage might fit this picture. This kind of situation can also describe failed marriages but where divorce is put on hold for the benefit of children or other considerations.

5.      Romantic love: Intimacy and passion are present but commitment is absent.  Sometimes intimate friendship that has sexual attractions develops to fit this category.

6.      Companionate Love: There is intimacy and commitment but the absence of passion. Long term friendships fit this category. Marriages in which the initial passion has cooled off also fit this category.

7.      Fatuous Love: There is passion and commitment but the absence of intimacy. Whirlwind love affairs of celebrities typify this category.

8.      Consummate Love: This has intimacy, passion, and commitment. This is what Sternberg called the complete form of love. It is the comparison benchmark for love.

            When two persons regardless of their sexual orientation are in love, the complete form of love to aim for is the consummate love. The reason being, it has all the three vital components of Intimacy, passion and love. All other forms of love do not develop into a consummate love. Achieving consummate love involves a lot of effort, time and a conscious will power to achieve and maintain. It is almost an ideal form of love. That is why I consider Sternberg’s perspective of consummate love as a reference guide to be used to compare our love life. The questions that we must continuously ask ourselves are:

1.      Do we have an intimate love life with our partner?

2.      Do we have a passionate love life with our partner?

3.      Do we have a committed love life with our partner?

4.      What type of love life do we have?

So whoever you are (male or female), and whatever you’re sexual orientations are (heterosexual, homosexual, lesbian, bisexual), check your love life using Sternberg’s perspective of consummate love as a comparison benchmark. You will instantly know where you stand in your love life with and for your partner. As a person who loves another person or as a person receiving love from another, you will know what type of love life you are experiencing now.