Stressful Relationships—How to Create Harmony without Forgiveness

How many of you have been so angry that you could not see straight? Perhaps you are upset with another or have stressful relationships. If you would like to create more harmony with others, it is possible.

I have a family member who used to get under my skin so badly that I never wanted to pick up the phone. I would literally cringe when I recognized who was on the other end of the line. Oftentimes, I simply ignored her. She was not a bad person. I was simply angry with her for things she did that irritated me, exacerbated by the fact that she often tried to tell me how to act or do something.

Perhaps you know of someone who similarly makes you recoil. It could be anyone who generates the emotions of anger, guilt, shame or fear within you.  Could it be that the person is your mother, father, sibling, or friend? On the other hand, it may be a person who you once trusted, but later, proved to give you reservation.

Oftentimes, people will tell you that they are giving advice because they care about you. However, to give unsolicited advice is not a loving gesture, for it assumes that person knows better than you do. Moreover, once someone irritates you, is it common for you to react with a similar unfeeling motion? Perhaps you snap back at them or offer some kind of defense. You may not even be aware that you are subconsciously reacting. Could it be that you are longing for them to ask for forgiveness?

Moreover, perhaps your reaction creates a chain effect, whereby, the other person responds to your feedback by simply becoming more aggressive in their approach. Could it now be that they too subconsciously wish for an apology from you? In effect, this pattern creates a vicious cycle of destructive consequences.

However, is requiring forgiveness creating harmony? Requiring forgiveness insinuates that another person must bow down to you, an act of putting yourself in a superior position to him or her. This is, by definition, judgment. Therefore, by seeking vindication, are you not acting in a similar judgmental way? As this pattern continues, it seems as if you are at an impasse. Only when both parties agree, by being neutral, can a solution be resolved. How can you overcome such reactions?

Try a different approach. The solution lies in believing that neither one of you is either superior or inferior to the other. To realize this, I would like to offer for your contemplation a quote from a shaman and spiritual advisor named Charles Crooks. "You are part of the whole, and not separate." Only under these conditions can you believe you are equal.

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This article was written by Cindy L. Herb and may be reproduced on any related website provided the text is not changed in any form and this copyright statement is displayed unedited in its entirety at the foot of the article and you use the exact same HTML code to ensure a clickable link back to the author's site. Further articles are also available. Contact the author for more information. Copyright 2009 Cindy L. Herb, http://www.cherbchronicles.com. All Rights Reserved Worldwide.