Surviving Infidelity: Keys to Overcoming and Coping with an Affair

It IS possible to survive an affair and infidelity. You may not feel like it is, if you've just discovered that your spouse or partner is having an affair. Chances are, if you've only just discovered the affair, or if suspicions of infidelity are so powerful they are driving you mad, you'll know exactly what I'm talking about. However, there are specific steps or stages, mental shifts you will go through, that will launch you through this infidelity crisis.

Survival may seem a completely fitting word. It truly feels like emotional, sometimes even physical survival. The pain and fear can be excruciating and debilitating. It strikes at the heart of who you are, or  thought you were. Surviving an affair and infidelity means you make shifts in your thinking. You see, there are many common misconceptions about surviving an affair that make surviving an affair and the healing and recovering from infidelity much, much more difficult.

And, as you begin to make the shifts, you begin to survive the affair, begin to feel relief and a new confidence in your ability to say and do exactly what you must to not merely survive the affair but know what  you can do to possibly stop the affair, begin your healing process and perhaps save your marriage or relationship.

Surviving affair Shift #1: Avoid the Killer Mistakes Most Make to Prolong the Affair and their Misery .

A shift most have to make in surviving an affair is how they initially approach their cheating husband or cheating wife. In my free ecourse I outline 7 Killer Mistakes that prolong the affair, the misery and agony. This free e-course begins shaping your thinking in a way that gives you the first steps of change that will give you the personal power you need in surviving and eventually overcoming and thriving through the infidelity and affair. For instance, you will shift past: saying I love you.. and know exactly why you are doing that suggesting counseling...and know exactly why this doesn't work saying you've changed...and be able to see the positive impact on him/her of NOT using this phrase and more.... and begin employing words and actions which have the best chance of stopping the affair and bring about healing.

Surviving affair Shift #2: You CAN'T DIRECTLY stop the affair.

In order to survive infidelity and an affair means that you have to shift away from the thought and the effort that you can stop the affair. Attempting to directly stop the affair is often a disaster waiting to happen. Sorry, that's the bad news. The good news: Many people often end the affair by using "indirect" approaches. These strategies often work, to the astonishment of the offended partner or spouse. For example, you can learn the powerful strategy of "backing off" when applied to a "My Marriage Made Me Do It" type of affair. Again, surviving an affair means making some shifts that right now you may not even consider to be possible.

Surviving affair Shift #3: Overcoming the Stigma and Isolation of being the "Wounded Spouse"
Another shift in surviving an affair is to reach out. Of course, it's not easy, at least not in the beginning stages of discovering infidelity, to reach out to family and friends for support and encouragement. However, many people find support and a listening ear to be indispensable - certainly in those very early hours and days - in surviving infidelity and the affair.

As unreasonable as it seems, many people feel embarrassment and humiliation when they initially discover that their spouse is having an affair. They don't want to tell anyone. (They also think that if the affair ends and the marriage is restored, it would NOT be helpful to have others know what happened.) And so, many suffer in silence or make knee-jerk, uninformed decisions that harm the process.

Surviving affair Shift #4: Knowledge becomes Power
Surviving an affair means you seek out knowledge. And, this knowledge will generate shifts in your thinking about infidelity and affairs that will give you newfound courage, power and hope. Affairs are  exceeding complex. Did you know that? The grocery store check-out tabloids don't convey the complexity of affair relationships. There are different kinds of affairs, each with varying nuances and different motivations. I outline 7 distinctive kinds of affairs in my e-book, "Break Free From the Affair." This introduction to infidelity will jump-start your change and healing process. Surviving an affair is often dependent on knowing exactly what you need to say and do in terms of the specific kind of affair facing you. In conjunction with the 7 types of affairs, I outline specific approaches to use with each different type of affair you may encounter.

Warning: Using a strategy for one type of affair may work but may be disaster when used for a different type of affair.

Surviving affair Shift #5: Make the right decisions.
Decision making is vital to surviving an affair or infidelity. There are all kinds of decision-making situations that you will encounter. For example, to truly save the marriage, if that is what you want to do, it is imperative to first seriously entertain the question, should you stay or should you go? Or, should s/he stay? Or, should s/he go? Maybe you never even thought in those terms. Or, maybe, you simply don't WANT to think in those terms. You must also ask the question: "Do I truly want to save the marriage (want to be married to him/her) or do I want the marriage for my own personal needs?" There is a huge difference (your cheating husband or wife will intuitively know). Take some time with this question before major decisions and strategies are formulated.

Surviving infidelity and an affair in a healthy and proactive manner forces you to alter your thinking, uncomfortably at first, to give you the most potential for resolving the crisis, restoring your sanity and potentially salvaging the marriage.