True Pain From Loss of Family Relationships - Part One

"Life is not a bowl of cherries." How many times did I hear my mother say that phrase? Countless.

Realizing since marrying at age 18 that life would be a trial of ups and downs I never imagined the downs overtaking with an abundance of bad luck with emotional pain that would seem unimaginable to so many.

I often listened through my twenties, thirties and forties to  friends asking me how I endured so much bad luck  and suffering with keeping  my sanity intact while living through it all. My personal belief tells me some of my pain  was due to poor choices in life but as well as destiny handing me cards of fate to be tested time and time again.

Having been raised by old school traditions by a full-blooded Italian mother it was my intention that when I became I parent I would swerve completely the other way - lessening the restrictions and not placing demands on my children and who they were as individuals.  I was more open minded and tried to teach them the meaning of unconditional love, respect and to be the person they were inside and live their lives accordingly.  I achieved that goal with being proud that my grown daughter who is married with three children will have her RN degree in December.  Proud because she is 34 and at age 25 diagnosed with MS but has overcome her illness and maintained to get beyond the physical problems and live life as best that she can.  I am in awe of her.  Proud because my oldest son was the Chief of a Fire department by the age of 27.  Proud because my now 18 year old is such a blessing and never causes me over concern by being in a bad mix of anything.  Not self-pride, just proud  of the fact that each of the three expressed themselves to achieve with every obstacle placed in front of them.

But my mother was right with her reference to cherries.  I've been spitting out the pits for so many years I wonder where they all are.

This story starts with July 4th, 2006 - I was just coming out of one year of physical illness due to the fact my downstairs neighbor in a condo complex was literally poisoning me with her black mold infestation and general debri she was keeping underneath me.  I'm anal retentive when it comes to being clean so when I realized what my neighbor had done I was angry, very angry with life.

While sick I would make the sign of the cross at night and pray to wake up to pain the next day.  I lost one year of my life until the problem was discovered and her unit required a hazmat team come in after the place was condemed and clean it out.  It was, and in a few weeks after it's clean up process - my unknown origin of illness dissappeared.

I was free again, healthy and happy and looking forward to life and working again.  Then the phone call came from Florida on July 4th, 2006.  Most of my family had left the state and moved to Florida in 2002.  I missed them but wasn't willing to move there.  I was a single parent - with a high school student and a son living ten minutes away from me.

The call was from my daughter and it was serious.  My mother had been rushed to an emergency room with stroke like symtoms.  Could I fly down that night and that it was bad.  I managed to catch a flight, get to Florida only to hear that my mother had not had a stroke.  No, a stroke would have been better.  At age 84, she was diagnosed with a stage 4 brain tumor.  Surgery was possible but threatening at her age and would only give her six months at best of life.  She opted for the surgery and I stayed in Florida for three weeks until it was obvious I had to come home and start working.  I did; I found a wonderful job that payed well and life was returning some blessings yet each day I knew in the months to follow I would have to be prepared for my mother's death.

We knew early January of 2007 that I would have to return to Florida, leave work temporarily and go and spend time with my mother before she died.  God gave me that opportunity and I stayed the last two weeks of her life with her in a hospice facility.  The day she died my head was numb and it stayed numb through her services, through my flight home and for weeks after.  Going back to work was a good distraction but I was grieving the loss everyday and night.

Disharmony struck again in 2007.  The wonderful job that allowed me to live without financial stress was taken away with a lay-off.  Strike two for the year but determination payed off and I finally found a new job, an office manager position with a doctors office and I thanked God the night before I started the job with blessing me with such a great opportunity.

My first day at the new job was Monday, August 6th, 2007.  I went to work and enjoyed the day feeling happy about my new opportunity and the people I would be working with.  I left at 7:30 pm and went home.  Settling into that night I would never have imagined anything so painful to come on a day when I was feeling so happy.   At 10:00 pm that night, two township police officer knocked on my door to inform me that my oldest son Shaun was dead.

I was in the shower when they came.  My son knocked on the door telling me to hurry up the police were there and needed to talk to me.  Quickly drying off and getting out there to see what the problem was I realized it wasn't good.  They were staring at me, both of them with such intensity.  Then they spoke my name and told me to sit down.  I refused and my legs started to shake.  They were insistant that I sit down and I was insistant that I would not.  I spoke to them and said "Please don't tell me you are here to give me bad news, please tell me that's not why you are here......"  They bluntly told me that at approximately 6:00 pm that night my oldest son Shaun, the Chief of a fire department had been found dead.  A sudden tragic home accident and his life was over.  I reeled with shock and pain, I screamed but can't remember my screams.  I cried so hard that I didn't know a person could possess that kind of ability to cry.  My body shook, hurt and there was nothing any other human being could do to console me.  I felt dead.

His arrangements, his viewing and burial still remain a blur at times and yet there are times when I have flashbacks of finding out he was gone and more flashbacks of raising him, being able to see him, smell him, hear him laugh, and now almost twenty two months later still suffering emotional pain due to his loss.

Strong, I had to be strong because I had a son who was a senior in high school and we were together alone.   The strength I had to find can't be defined in Websters dictionary this strength had to come from within my being.  Digging deep everyday to try to sort through the two losses and stay alive without crumbling to pieces.

Four weeks after loosing my son I took my youngest out school clothes shopping for his senior year.  We were in a store at the register paying for what he picked out.  I was a bit shaky, but out and taking care of my responsibilites.  My sons cell phone rang and he said "Mom, it's my uncle in Florida he needs to talk to you."  I told him to tell my younger brother to call me back later that I was out and couldn't take the call.  My brother persisted so I grabbed the phone.

"Denise?" he asked.  "Yes, what's up? I'm out can I call you back later?" "No, he replied, I have bad news and I have to tell you now."  Oh my God was all I could think about.  What kind of bad news did I have to hear again.  The news was that my only sister had died one half hour before his call.  She was gone, she died exactly four weeks to the day of loosing my son on September 6th, 2007.

Not even knowing how to get out of the store without falling, less driving my son and I home, I did it.  I just did it.

At this point of my story I've become overwhelmed by writing and remembering how much I have lost.  This will be continued to part two when I'm at a level to finish the write.

I will finish the story and will also say in this ending that no matter what you do today, who you interact with or where you emotions take you stop for a moment and look around and show those closest to you how much you love them.  Show kindness to strangers as well and try to remember how fleeting life is.