 |
When Not To Start A Relationship
Author: Margaret Paul, Ph.d.  | Posted: 04-02-2008 | Comments: 0 | Views: 38 | Rating: (58)  (?) 
Have you recently ended a relationship or are you recently divorced? Are you thinking about dating again?
Many times, putting yourself back into the dating scene is a good idea. But how can you know when it is time to start a new relationship?
Here are some questions to ponder:
1. Are you fully over your last relationship, or do you still have hope of reconciliation?
If you still fantasize about getting back with your partner, then you are not truly available for another relationship. Is there really a possibility of reconciliation, or are you making up the possibility? If there really is a possibility, then it is certainly not time to date. If the relationship is really over, then you need to fully accept this before moving on to another relationship. As long as you are in denial about the relationship being over, you are not fully available for another relationship.
2. If your partner has died, do you feel ready for a new relationship?
If you had a loving relationship with your deceased partner, then any time you feel ready is fine. You already know how to have a good relationship, so there is a good chance of having another good relationship when you feel ready for it.
3. Have you fully explored your part of why your relationship ended?
When a relationship goes on the rocks, it is because each partner is contributing to the problems. It is always fairly easy to see what the other person did that caused problems, but much harder to see what you did.
It may be necessary for you to have therapeutic help in understanding your end of the relationship issues. I have been working with individuals and couples for 40 years and I have seen that people tend to repeat the same patterns in relationships over and over unless they do some healing work. Even if, at the beginning, a new relationship looks different from your other relationships, there is a good possibility that it will end up the same.
Most relationships create a system with one person being a caretaker and the other being a taker. These roles can switch in different relationships and around different issues. Unless you heal your tendencies to be a caretaker or a taker, you will continue to create relationship systems that don't work.
Underneath all relationship dysfunction are control issues. Whether you control with anger, righteousness, blame, judgment, compliance, resistance, or withdrawal of love, until you heal the fear underlying all controlling behavior, you will continue to create relationship problems.
This does not mean that these issues need to be healed before starting a new relationship, but it does mean is that you need to be in the process of healing to have a chance at a good relationship.
4. Do you feel available for a new relationship?
Most people have two bottom-line fears when it comes to relationships: the fear of rejection and the fear of engulfment, which means the fear of losing the other or the fear of losing yourself. These are deep fears that start in childhood and may continue throughout your life, making it difficult for you to be fully emotionally available in a relationship.
These fears do not just go away. Until you develop a powerful loving adult self, you may take rejection personally and not know how to handle loss. Without a strong loving inner adult, you may allow others to control you, giving yourself up to prevent rejection.
Again, these fears do not need to be healed before starting a relationship, but unless you are in the process of healing them and continue to do healing work within a relationship, there is a good chance that you will recreate another unsuccessful relationship.
A relationship is a wonderful arena for healing and growth when both people are devoted to learning to be a strong loving adult. If you are on a devoted healing and learning path, make sure that your new partner is too!
Rate this Article:
Current: 0 / 5 stars - 0 vote(s).
Article Source: http://www.articlesbase.com/relationships-articles/when-not-to-start-a-relationship-324412.html
About the Author:Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?" and "Healing Your Aloneness." She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or email her at margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone sessions available.
|
Submitting articles has become one of the most popular means of generating quality backlinks and targeted traffic to your website. Join us today - It's Free! |
|
Got a Question? Ask.
Ask the community a question about this article:
Frequently Asked Questions
Keeping your word
By: MommyOfWho? | 25-07-2008
If your other half kept telling you (without any influence, whatsoever) he would do something for the sake of both of you and didn't keep his word, how would that make you feel?
Is there any way TO get him to keep his word to you???
What to do... What to say???
By: MommyOfWho? | 25-07-2008
How do you get your other half to see or understand that you don't feel they treat you the same way you treat them...
Example: They are sick or hurt, and you do everything you can to make sure they are comfortable. But when you are hurt, they yell at you and won't help you.
How do you explain this?
My knee went out on me and it is difficult to do anything on crutches. Last night when he came home from work I asked for some food... and he tells me he has things he has to do and I have to wait. He then takes off from the house and comes back an hour and a half later and still wouldn't help me. Now... there are times that he is down and out... and has really hurt me...but knowing he is down and out I was more than willing to take care of him. He asks for specific things and I'll run out to the store for whatever, MAKING A POINT of making sure he has something to drink, the remote...whatever... to make sure he doesn't need anything while I'm gone.
What would you say to someone who is ignoring you ...
By: cuteiswhatweaimfor | 24-07-2008
what would you say to someone who is ignoring you?
i've given her like two weeks alone and i just want to give her a phone call and just chat.
I keep having horrible dream and i think they are real...
By: Kirstyyy | 23-07-2008
i am a 15 year old girl and ever since i went on hoiday to germany with a friend and her parents ive been having rather weird dreams. they weren't too bad whilst i was there but ever since i got home they have been terrible and i keep waking up thinking there real. i get confused with things that have actually happened and things that havent. and all of them run in a specific order for example.. one night my two friends died.. i woke up the next morning and cried for an hour or so because i believed it was real then realised it wasnt the next night i dreamt it was there funeral.. again the next morning i woke confused with what had happened.the next night i dreamt i commited suicide. the next my boyfriend cheated on me,( i felt angry with him after it but i have no reason to be). its a dream and i know that but i keep thinking all of this is reality! what is wrong with me ?
So, How can i do this?
By: Me | 23-07-2008
Ok, so one of my best friends wants me to call him. He lives in Northern Ireland, and I live in the US, and i've tried a few things, and nothing has gone through. Does anyone know of anything i can try to call him? I really want to talk to him on the phone. Hes tried to call me too, could it possibly be the phone companies? would that have anything to do with it? Help!
Three different guys.
By: Me | 23-07-2008
I like three different boys. one is an arab, and so sweet, and cute. the second one is an irish boy and he is HOTTTTTT!!! and totally awesome. the third one is canadian, and cute, and really sweet. they are all three my best friends. oh and i live in the US. which one should i pick?
Q&A Powered by: 
Latest Relationships Articles
Weddings - Planning a Small, Outdoor Wedding
By: Denise Sanger | 26/07/2008
With a little bit of relaxing music, and a small group of those close to her heart, our bride set up her ideal wedding, a small, relaxed wedding. Inexpensive, but what her heart desired most, she had the time of her life, and didn't need the attention that a large wedding brings.
How to Approach a Blind Date
By: Marvin Perry | 26/07/2008
In this article I will give you some tips you can use when going on a blind date.
If You Want to Get Back With Your Ex, Do Not...
By: Chris Meagher | 25/07/2008
Getting back with your ex again, is always possible. However, a great many people fall into the trap of a number of obvious mistakes, in their strategy.
Pushing
You cannot force love. The more you try to make your Ex love you, or accept you again - the faster they will run...
Bad Economy, Great Love Life?
By: Wendy N. Lapidus-Saltz | 25/07/2008
Does love need money to flourish, or is a tighter and deeper connection made when a relationship must make do with fewer economic resources?
Ask a roomful of people and you'll hear passionate arguments on both sides. Must we all agree? Maybe not. But what about the two partners in a...
Are You a "Man Fixer?"
By: Aaron Adams | 24/07/2008
Scared of living solo?
A lot of wonderful women like you balk at the idea of spending the rest of their lives alone. Many are not even aware that they are scared but the fear is manifested in the way they handle their relationships with men. It's a relationship pattern that...
Keeping Him Interested For Keeps
By: Aaron Adams | 24/07/2008
Experienced having a relationship that began brightly, then slowly dimmed into complete darkness? It was as if your man slowly fades into complete oblivion as months pass by and arguments of little things have frequently surfaced. The relationship ceased to be fun and then the gap started to widen until...
How to Tell a Mature Man From the Jerks
By: Aaron Adams | 24/07/2008
Have you even been in a horrible relationship where Mr. Right became a bratty little kid as days went by? I can imagine how you would have wished to be able to identify which man is mature and which isn't the moment you set your eyes on them. Being able...
How to Get Your Love Life Back
By: Aaron Adams | 24/07/2008
These days, it's easy to get lost in the daily grind. And it doesn't even matter if you've started working at home - sometimes everyday feels like the day before. It's probably usual to you to sit around and wonder if you're making the most out of your life.
Especially with...
More from Margaret Paul, Ph.d.
7 Step
By: Margaret Paul, Ph.d. | 17/07/2008 | Religion
Are you one of those people who secretly wish you believed in God? Or are you one of those people who believe in God in an abstract way rather than a personal way? Are you actually doing everything you can to never have an experience of God, while denying that...
Problems Sleeping?
By: Margaret Paul, Ph.d. | 12/07/2008 | Self Help
Insomnia is quite common in our society. While there many different reasons for sleep problems - such as poor diet, too much sugar and refined carbohydrates, too much caffeine, or lack of exercise - I want to share two major causes and the solutions to these.
Ironically, one of the major...
Diffusing Anger or Feeding the Flames
By: Margaret Paul, Ph.d. | 08/07/2008 | Self Help
Have you ever had an argument with someone - a partner, spouse, close friend, child, parent or other relative, or a business associate - that started small and spiraled into an intense conflict? Have you ever scratched your head, wondering how it got so out of control?
Let's take a look...
Are You Enmeshed With Your Children?
By: Margaret Paul, Ph.d. | 28/06/2008 | Parenting
The Encarta World English Dictionary defines "enmesh" as "to entangle somebody or something in something from which it is difficult to be extricated or separated."
Are you entangled with your children in a way that is limiting both you and your children?
Parents may enmesh with children when they want control over...
7 Step Guide to Creating a Life of Substance Abuse
By: Margaret Paul, Ph.d. | 23/06/2008 | Self Help
While it is probable that no one consciously sets out to create a life of substance abuse, those who end up addicted to substances are choosing certain thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors that will likely end up leading to some form of substance abuse - drugs, alcohol, nicotine, food, junk food,...
Self-Help: Healing Your Broken Heart
By: Margaret Paul, Ph.d. | 14/06/2008 | Self Help
Haley, 38, consulted with me because her boyfriend had just broken up with her. Shocked and broken-hearted, she tearfully told me about how wonderful he was and about how she didn't know how she could survive this break up.
Haley and Owen had been together for over 2 years and were...
7 Step Guide To Staying Completely Stuck In Your Life
By: Margaret Paul, Ph.d. | 02/06/2008 | Self Help
Are you stuck in your life? Do you receive some satisfaction from staying stuck and from no one being able to help you get unstuck? If you are invested in staying stuck, why not do it consciously and deliberately? Here is your guide to never getting unstuck.
1. Make Resistance Your...
Marriage Advice: Love And Fairness
By: Margaret Paul, Ph.d. | 26/05/2008 | Marriage
"Love has nothing to do with fairness. Love is Love." --Susan Page, Why Talking is Not Enough
"It's not fair!"
How often have you heard this from young or adolescent siblings?
I grew up as an only child, so I was never indoctrinated with the concept of fairness. Not growing up with it,...
|
|
Relationships 
