Why That Slacker, Thug or Bad Boy?

• “Why is my daughter, sister, family member or friend with that no-good, non-working, broke-a** man?”
• “Why is she letting him drop her off at work and keep her car, while he’s just hanging around doing nothing?”
• “That fool is in and out of jail; she can do so much better.”

These are some of the major statements or complaints that I hear from fathers, mothers, family members and friends all the time.

I decided to take a look into this matter and made some major discoveries that surprised me.

First, keep in mind that this data does not include rebellious girls simply trying to make a statement or hurt others. Their actions can be explained as what it is: rebellious! Next, it has been said that women like bad boys because they provide physical security or protection. This may be the case; however, what I discovered still applies to them.

Here is what I found:

1. 85% of the women with these guys have known them throughout their lives;
2. 15% of the women have worked beside or have gone to school with these guys at some point.

What does this mean? They are NOT simply picking these guys up off the street and taking care of them. They know them and have been side by side with them at some point in their lives. It doesn’t matter if she now has a Master’s degree, is a manager, or a woman doing her own thing. She sees him differently than the rest of the world.

• “I know Pookie. His real name is James Smith and he has always been solid for me. He would not allow anyone to pick on me at school, and he was my first love.”
• “I worked with Jerry; he was a dishwasher and I was a waitress while going to college. He is a good guy who has dreams and has fallen down on his luck right now.”
• “He caught a case because what they did to him was foul. He is not a bad person.”
• I know T very well. He is misunderstood. When we were little, he was my good friend and knows how to make me laugh.”
• “He was only protecting himself from that man.”
• “Joe and I went to college together. Yes, he dropped out because his mother got sick, but y’all don’t see what I see. We have a special relationship.”

Do you see my point? They were usually in the same predicament at some point as these men in their lives, or at the same level. I’m not talking financially, either. Some of these girls are in families with means. But in an attempt to make their child have better work ethics, the family places her in a working environment, e.g., McDonalds or Chick-fil-A, with charming boys who may come from different backgrounds.

When you mix having a crush on a charming guy from a very different background with good sex, and it was her first time or first real love, I will give you a relationship that is hard to break and harder to understand. Even though she appears to be more advanced than her male mate, to her it is love.

Women like charming men!!! Many of the guys with a plan have difficulties approaching women, as they are very shy and overly self-conscious. This is not attractive to young girls!!! They also can be boring (no fun), sometimes nerdy, and more of an advanced thinker than most girls are earlier in their lives. I talk to my 16 year old daughter about boys, especially the ones I see who are goal driven and smart. She says, “He’s always explaining things and is very boring and too shy; he won’t open his mouth, Daddy”…WHEW, I can’t make her see that usually the best guys are too shy to approach girls…

Don’t forget about boys coming from good families who go rogue. They are trying to fit in and usually mess up their lives with the wrong crowd. Also, many of these guys can be found in church, so they feel that they are exempt from the labels. Just know that none of our daughters are immune from this situation and understand that she has a heart and wants the best for herself, too. She just so happened to fall in love with a man who is not totally her equal.

As a parent, sister, family member or friend, I suggest putting your arms around this man to see if you can help make an impact in his life, instead of fighting her. If she sees that he is not taking action, she is smart and will pull back. Also, time will reveal all things. You should only hope that she finds her way through this situation. He could be a smooth talker and know how to please her, and she needs a wake-up call. Fighting her will only make things worse. Work with her to improve his life and if he is truly a slacker/thug, it will come out. Just hope and pray that she does not have his child. If this is the case, make the best out of this by always respecting him as your daughter or sister child’s father. It would make a difficult situation much better.

Remember that these women do not pick up this same type of guy from scratch. It is not really her judgment at stake in the matter. It is unconditional love in many cases, because when she is done with that guy, she usually seeks a major upgrade.

However, judgment does come into play when she only takes action after he devastates her financially, e.g., ruins her credit, wrecks her car, or allows the home to be foreclosed on.