Coercommercialism!

By nationalizing and subsidizing every aspect of the market place they can get their hands on, our government is, in effect, trying to become the new Big Business.  That’s all well and good, but it fails to adequately deal with actual cause of all of our financial woes: The American Consumer.  People aren’t buying anything.  That hurts the economy.

Maybe it’s time for corporations to start taking the law into their own hands.

Punish!

A lot of lefty, college educated, free loader types like to spout off about how the Corporations run everything.  But if that were true, how would we be in this predicament?  Obviously the Corporations don’t have ENOUGH control!

For far too long, companies have wasted spectacular amounts of time and money trying to “woo” customers with advertising and superior customer service.  But in today’s cutthroat fiscal environment, attempting to coddle consumers is an expense that can no longer be afforded.  With so many lives and livelihoods at stake, it’s time for Big Business to get firm and bring its patrons to heel.

You cannot reason with a cranky toddler.  The same is true for the American Consumer.  They must be dominated and molded with the merciless efficiency of a death camp.  Violence.  Fear.  Humiliation. All of the devices government uses to coerce their populaces into submission should be employed by the private sector to get our economic blood pumping again.

The first step is to make consumers realize they are to blame for what’s happened so far.  Bad Consumers should be vilified worse than the Kulaks. Public beatings and humiliations should be devised and executed in a consistent, brutal, and random manner.  Soon Joe and Jane Six Pack will be turning in their own friends and neighbors for not drinking Anheiser-Busch products, to assuage any thoughts that they might be brand disloyal.

Next, all “How to”, “Do-it-Yourself”, and “Self Help” literature must be confiscated and burned (unless said books are thinly disguised adverts for selling specific products).  Cook books should be banned as well.  All of those who try to keep and hide this contraband must be “corrected”.  Because a dependent consumer is a good consumer.

And as we all know:

A good consumer is good for the economy.  A good economy is good for life.

Repeat this every day on your way to the super market. Repeat it to your children when you tuck them into their Ikea beds. Repeat it to your spouse as you both  work on making new little consumers to cure our sick economy.

It all may seem a little harsh at first.  But you must realize it is for the greater good. And that should make you happy.  And a happy consumer is a good consumer…

You greedy selfish hoarder! See what you've done?!