A few days back I had dinner a very good friend of mine. We are lucky to have a such a strong and honest friendship that I feel truly comfortable saying anything infront of her. Tonight however on indulging in my three bean chili pancake
I exclaimed "Christ I'll have the farts tomorrow. This friend looked at me witgh a look one might give to a shoe covered in dog shit and said, I quote… “How do you ever expect someone decent to fall in love with you?” My answer to this, quite simply, I don’t….. If I can’t get arseholes to fall in love with me I very much doubt anyone decent will, but this is neither here nor there. My problem is with double standards for men and women. Now don’t get me wrong, I am as far from being a feminist as you can be. I curse Emily Pankhurst and the rest of the Geri Haliwells that burnt their fucking bras for women’s rights, meaning that now, I have to go out and earn a bloody living. I never asked them to! I was more than happy doing the housework and bringing up the kids! However, in this day and age of equality and “girl power” tell me why it is that a women farting or burping is still such a taboo area? Surely it is only natural? Even posh spice must fart sometimes? Well my flatulence (which admittedly is bad, seeing as I am a vegetarian – chickpeas can be cruel) according to many, is massively unattractive to men and a disgrace in society. However, a man farting seems to get some sort of commendation, like he had achieved something of high level that deserves a token of respect. And this isn’t the only discipline that this appears in. Take for example, a one-night stand….men get a big pat on the back, whereas girls get labelled an easy slut. Or a better scenario….an affair, a man sleeping with two women at once. To one’s Neanderthal mates this tends to trigger the following responses “nice one bruv”, “You legend!”, “Quality” and even “you lucky bastard”. And fair play to the guy….I mean, why should said cunt deny himself the pleasure of sleeping with two women at once?
Have you ever seen the film “The Last Kiss”? It is a truly appalling chick flick I had the misfortune of watching on a flight back from a work trip to California. Well story line goes (and forgive me if I screw this up but I dosed through most of the 1st half), dude who is main character in Scrubs is with long term girlfriend, manages to get her pregnant, meets hot little brunette (Summer from the OC), is fascinated by her, becomes slightly obsessed, hangs around with her a lot and ultimately gives in and has sex with her, cheating on his long term girlfriend. Anyways long term girlfriend finds out, things blow up etc etc and he realises that all along he really wanted to be with this long term girlfriend. Some kind of commitment freak out or something……
In retrospect, I have a few problems with this movie, first things first, who do you feel sorry for. Well I hands down I admit the person who has been truly hard done by in this film is the girlfriend. She has obviously put her all in to the relationship, fairly oblivious of the cuntish capabilities of scrubs dude. BUT
1) She is dull and clearly psychotic and I guess this is how deluded dude from scrubs somehow justifies this affair, as if he was almost pushed into it.
2) If the girl is stupid enough to take him back now knowing what he is capable of then she deserves all the shit she gets.
Well as the film actually goes, pretty much the last quarter of it is spent watching this guy grovel to the girlfriend by sitting on her doorstep for days until she ultimately lets him back in. And get this, you actually start to feel sorry for him? And when she does let him back in, you get this sense of warmth, what’s meant to be is meant to be.
Hello people?! The guy just got his end away with Summer from the OC and got back with his ex, by what I consider to be very little struggle. And you know what, he’ll do it again! Once a fucking scumbag, always a fucking scumbag. Now people can sit there and say that he made a mistake and everyone deserves a second chance….No, a mistake is like forgetting to take the cake out of the oven and burning it, or screwing up a calculation. A mistake is not repeatedly meeting up with this girl in secret, you can’t mistakenly slip your dick inside her?
So what of Summer? I said before the last bit of the film is based around his grovelling, and you totally forget she ever existed. I mean totally, you don’t think “I wonder what Summer is doing now, is she ok, I mean she really liked the guy didn’t she”....no, she just disappears in to oblivion. Summer is left with the excuse “I’m an arsehole, sorry”, ummm not really good enough I’m afraid.
So dissecting Summer’s character, you are kind of left thinking, Summer is just this air head bit of skin that tempted scrubs dude by short skirts and bikinis. But, actually she is pretty cool. She is clever, funny, gorgeous and of course modest! So, morally sleeping with somebody’s girlfriend isn’t the best. But lets face it, she doesn’t know the girl, in fact all that has happened is scrubs dude has bad mouthed her, and at the end of the day she has fallen for somebody who she can really see her self with, so why shouldn’t she fight for him? He ain’t exactly putting up much of a fight back!
Anyway, let us consider her feelings, she has fallen for this guy and he eventually lets her in, she thinks that he has left his girlfriend and their future is bright. They have some great sex and boom, he ends it and cuts her out completely saying he is still in love with the girlfriend. This is soul destroying, seriously there is no sense behind this in Summer’s mind. All she knows is this cunt telling her how great she makes him feel and how being with her is so easy and liberating, a true breath of fresh air compared to his dragon of a girlfriend. And at this point in the movie Summer disappears. Charming huh….
When I was little my Dad used to really upset me when I watched movies as when the film finished and the credits rolled he would say “now what really happens after the happy ending is....” for example at the end of The Little Mermaid (my fav film as a kid), Ariel and Eric have Triton’s blessing and get married and the sea world and land world are united as one. The wedding ceremony is on a ship and as it sails away the film finishes. I’d sit there misty eyed at which point my father would say something such as “now what really happens after the happy ending is there is a massive storm and the ship is struck by lightning and catches alight and sinks taking all the wedding guests and crew with it.” Nice Dad, thanks…
Unfortunately this is something I have now taken on myself and I can’t help but make up in my head what really happens after happy endings. So what really happens after the credit rolls in The Last Kiss? I guess you are meant to think the happy couple stay together forever with baby in tow and all is well, and as for summer, well who cares?! In my head the scenario is very different, see I believe that people that behave badly get there just deserts, no matter how subtle. Now dude from Scrub’s punishment is unlikely to be a big one off nasty thing, whatsherface will never cheat on him and she will forgive him each and every time he does her wrong. But what life do they have now? Trust barriers have been completely shattered and she doesn’t even know half of what he is capable of! I mean imagine if she actually knew the truth! He will have to spend the rest of his life justifying where he is, who he is seeing etc. And you know what, there is a reason that he played away in the first place and that is because he was miserable in their relationship, and whatever the reasons were that he wasn’t happy will not have gone away. To start with they’ll be back in honeymoon stage, “its so great to be back with you blah blah” but these problems will rear their ugly heads again and he’ll be left thinking “I wonder what life would be like if I had stayed with Summer.” And I’ll tell you; life would be fucking good! Summer would have treated him like a god, fed his ego, made him laugh and generally made life easy. Because she is a really good person and treats other people with the respect she would like to receive back, though summer is now learning the harsh reality that most people are arseholes and people who treat her well are few and far between.
So what happens to Summer as the curtains come down? Well I think she is a bit of a mess to start with, in fact a wreck! She is heartbroken and can’t seem to find reasons to get out of bed. She can’t eat or sleep, she can’t believe she has been so stupid to let such a cunt get under her skin so badly, she is a broken girl. She loses her bubbly, fun personality, forgets how to make people laugh, looks in the mirror and hates herself. Not very nice. But Summer is a fighter, a proper fighter, and this little shit is not going to destroy her confidence forever. Everyday Summer grows a little bit stronger again, cries for 10 minutes less, tells one more joke, smiles one more time. She may do silly things from time to time during this recovery process, like getting too drunk, or putting trust in people who aren’t to be trusted, or, I don’t know writing stuff in a blog on the internet to fuck him off. Eventually, though, she will stop caring and she will become that crazy, bubbly, life and soul of the party she always was. And at the point where she is truly comfortable and happy on her own, and not a second before, somebody will come into her life, some prince charming, Seth from the OC maybe, and he will treat her like the little princess she is. Summer gets her happy ending while scrubs dude wakes up one day alcoholic, tumours galore in his lungs in a loveless relationship, countless sordid affairs behind him and wonders if he had treated people a little better, maybe he would be a happier person....
Writing 
