Grief and Loss - a New Millenium View

Grief and loss does not have to be an experience of endless suffering.  Elizabeth Kubler-Ross gave us the stages of dying and provided a framework for understanding the grieving process. Over the years there have been a variety of esoteric approaches to this experience, none of which addressed the core issue of “feelings”. A healthier approach to grief and loss recovery is readily available.

I would like to suggest that we have entered a period where our population has become more comfortable with their feeling nature.  Feelings lie at the core of the grieving experience, and our feelings offer a better choice for dealing with grief and loss.  By addressing this core component, we temper the shock and trauma associated with grief and loss while placing ourselves on a path toward genuine healing.

Platitudes like “It’s God’s Will” or “Just have faith” or “It was meant to be” do not direct us to the true experience of our loss. Grief and loss are subjective emotional experiences.  They cut to the core of our being and hit us in our heart and feeling centre. This is where the damage lies and where our healing strategies need be applied. Understood in this context, we can see why platitudes have failed. Emotions and feelings need to be talked about openly and shared with kind receptive supporters. Platitudes not only fail, but cause additional damage when individuals begin to feel guilty or inadequate for not grieving “properly”.

The answer to healing grief and loss lies with modern psychology and the lessons of psychotherapy. When people are encouraged to talk about their feelings, they heal more quickly than through all other methods combined.

Honest self-relating is required here. Defenses, emotional blockages, addictions and other strategies of denial block the flow of feeling energy.  These common forms of escape prevail until we learn that feeling and expressing emotions are far more desirable because they actually promote healing.

War has taught us that repression of feelings and emotions becomes manifested in a condition called Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Once the experts identified it, they could treat it. They engaged PTSD sufferers in group therapy, one on one counseling and journaling, the three best ways for releasing feelings associated with trauma.

We have also learned that addiction distracts us from feelings we want to avoid. Recovery from addiction, oddly enough, is not much different than dealing with grief and loss. Expressing feelings in a safe and receptive environment is the key to breaking the back of any addiction and denial process.

Harboring the idea that death and dying are unfair and must be resisted is fruitless. Everything on this planet is born, lives and dies. The only species conscious of this is humans. It is this gift of consciousness that provides us with the opportunity to meaningfully come to terms with our mortality. 

It is time for a straightforward approach to grief and loss, one that sees us address the experience at its core, our heart and feeling centre. Dealing with feelings and emotions is simply part of being human.  Death, dying, grief and loss are part of life’s process. We can deal with their effects by joining support groups, reading grief books that acknowledge feelings, personal journaling or consulting a therapist. These experiences can move us toward emotional healing and maturity.

This approach deals effectively with grief and loss at its feeling core. There are many losses to be dealt with in a lifetime. Whether it’s the loss of a job, a broken relationship or the death of a loved one, this feeling-based approach will lead to a healthy recovery.