 |
Love, Anger and Forgiveness: How to Let Go and be Emotionally Free Once and for All
Author: William DeFoore, Ph.D.  | Posted: 14-06-2007 | Comments: 0 | Views: 33 | Rating: (53)  (?) 
 Anger and forgiveness seem to be opposites, and in many ways they are. You may be surprised to learn, however, that they have a lot in common. If you make anger the "bad guy," you just won't get to the forgiving part. Anger has to be fully understood and released before you get to move on to the freedom of forgiveness. Forgiveness has to be fully understood before you can let go of resentments and be emotionally whole and free.
It all starts with love. We are born with the need to love and be loved, and no one, even the best parents, can meet that need perfectly. Therefore we all feel hurt as a natural part of life. And of course, there are those hurts that are inflicted by abuse, abandonment and neglect, in some cases extreme.
From this pain, fear and anger naturally emerge. It makes perfect sense to be angry when you're hurt. Anger is an important place to visit, you just don't want to live there. Here is where forgiveness comes in. Forgiveness is the process of letting go of anger and resentment so that you can go on with your life. Forgiveness is for you, not for the forgiven. That is essential to understand.
Anger and forgiveness seem opposite, in the sense that anger involves an intense focus on the "wrongdoer," and forgiveness involves shifting focus off of that person and moving on with your life. Yet there are some ways that anger and forgiveness are the same.
How Anger and Forgiveness Are The Same
Unhealthy anger and premature forgiveness both include:
-Judgment
-The "one-up" position
-Dishonoring to yourself
When you are angry at someone and blaming them, you are definitely judging them and putting yourself in a "one-up" position. The way you are dishonoring yourself here is that you are failing to look at your own creative responsibility in the situation. This is the hazard of the "blame game." When you are into blaming others for your feelings, situation or plight, you are making yourself a victim and denying your own power and responsibility.
Premature forgiveness is forgiving someone when you're not through being angry. You are still judging them, and therefore you're seeing yourself as "one-up." You are dishonoring yourself by pretending to forgive in your mind, when your heart and gut are still carrying anger and resentment.
Here are some important truths to remember when you're angry:
-The other person is responsible for his/her actions that triggered your anger. You are not responsible for their behavior.
-You are responsible for your emotional reaction and for your actions that result from your emotional reaction. They are not responsible for your emotional reactions or your behavior that results.
Here are some other ways that anger and forgiveness are the same. When anger is healthy, and forgiveness is authentic, both involve:
-Power
-Release
-Letting go
-No more victim position
-Operating in a container of love
Both healthy anger and true forgiveness involve the power of healthy release and letting go, which takes you out of the victim position. This can only occur in a container of love. Anger can only be healthy when accompanied by some degree of love and wisdom, and forgiveness can only be true when it is based on love for yourself and/or another person.
Understanding Anger
Anger is the most misunderstood emotion. Most people just think it is bad. Here are some common misconceptions:
-Anger is a bad emotion and should always be controlled
-It is possible to be without anger completely
-It is wrong to be angry
-To be angry means to be out of control
-Anger is the same thing as aggression
-When a person is angry that means they are not safe to be around
These misconceptions result from the lack of understanding of healthy anger. Healthy anger is:
-A feeling you have when you're threatened or opposed
-A protective emotion
-Powerful energy that can be used for positive outcomes
-Fuel for effective action
Have you ever taken action about something that made you angry? Think about MADD, Mothers Against Drunk Drivers. They got mad, and took action in healthy, appropriate ways to resolve the problem leading to their pain and anger. Here's the bottom line on healthy anger:
Healthy anger fuels effective action!
Understanding True Forgiveness
True forgiveness is something that only your body can do. Surprised by that? Here's the deal. Anger and resentments are held in the body as well as the mind, and your mind can decide to forgive long before your body is ready. Literally, your body has a mind of its own. Here are some things to understand about forgiveness:
-Forgiveness is not just a decision that you can make in your mind
-Forgiveness requires an emotional and physical release to be complete
-Your body is capable of holding onto anger long after your mind thinks it has forgiven
-Forgiveness does not absolve the wrongdoer—you don’t have that kind of power
-Withholding forgiveness does not hold the wrongdoer accountable—everyone is accountable whether you forgive or not
-Forgiving doesn't mean you have decided that what the wrongdoer did is okay
-You don't have to wait for the wrongdoer to change for you to forgive
-You won't be able to forgive until you have fully examined the depth and extent of your wounds
-You won't be able to forgive until you have acknowledged the full depths of your anger
-Forgiveness is for you
-Forgiveness is good for your health
-Forgiveness allows you to be more loving and joyful
You will know that you have forgiven when your body is relaxed and your breathing is deep and easy—while you visualize the wrongdoer and say, "I accept you for who you are, with all of your best and worst. I no longer need you to change. I forgive you for myself, so that I can be free. I forgive you so that I can let go of resentments and feel love and joy in my heart, mind and body."
Your body will tell you if the forgiveness is complete.
Keys to Emotional Health and Freedom
-Take responsibility for your actions and emotions
-Do not accept blame for anything
-Place responsibility for others' actions and emotions on them
-Do not blame anybody for anything
Here are some thoughts to consider about love:
-Love can be intoxicating, and therefore can lead to unhealthy decisions
-The need to love and be loved is the most powerful force in human nature
-Love is who you are in your spiritual essence
-Conditional love is not really love—it is more about control
-The only real love is unconditional love
-You will always remember those people in your life who have loved you unconditionally
-You are at your very best when you are experiencing unconditional love
Life starts with love. Anger is an inevitable emotion, which can temporarily or permanently take us away from love. When we work through our anger, we can forgive. Forgiveness is a return to love.
The greatest of these is love.
Rate this Article:
Current: 0 / 5 stars - 0 vote(s).
Article Source: http://www.articlesbase.com/self-help-articles/love-anger-and-forgiveness-how-to-let-go-and-be-emotionally-free-once-and-for-all-165021.html
About the Author: William G. DeFoore is a counselor, executive coach, author and speaker. He has 34 years of experience in helping people achieve healthy, happy relationships. Get free information, watch videos and purchase books, CDs and downloads at AngerManagementResource.com .
|
Submitting articles has become one of the most popular means of generating quality backlinks and targeted traffic to your website. Join us today - It's Free! |
|
Related Articles
The Healing Power of Forgiveness
By: Minh Nguyen, D.d.s. | 13/10/2006 | Non-Fiction
Forgiveness is the answer to the child's dream of a miracle by which what is broken is made whole again, what is soiled is made clean again (Dag Hammarskjold).
Anger and Rage Addiction: How to Break the Cycle and Return to Health
By: William DeFoore, Ph.D. | 25/05/2007 | Self Help
Anger and rage addiction occur when the outbursts happen again and again, almost on a kind of schedule. Triggers can be any number of different things, from something major to something very minor. The key to healing anger and rage addiction is understanding and breaking the cycle. Needs must be identified and met in healthy ways, so that the addictive rage and anger release is no longer necessary. The good news is that anger and rage addiction can be healed.
Six Tools To Repair Marital Damage
By: Dr Tony Fiore | 29/04/2006 | Marriage
Acquiring good repair skills gives the couple a way to recover from the mistakes they may have made. These repair skills provide a "fix" for the damage caused in attempting to communicate to each other in a way that caused emotional hurt to one or both of them.
Learn to Heal Bad Memories, not Suppress Them
By: M. Deskins | 07/02/2008 | Self Improvement
I am currently learning a hard lesson from suppressing my past mistakes instead of trying to heal from them. I have written some advice on how you can avoid the same mistakes I made.
Forgive For Less Marital Anger
By: Dr Tony Fiore | 23/06/2006 | Automotive
Stacy's partner of twelve years does not come home one evening and she knew he was with a former lover. He begged for another chance with Stacy, but her pride and anger held her back.
Passive Aggressive Behavior: Protect yourself From This Relationship Killer!
By: Neil Warner | 30/06/2008 | Marriage
In long term relationships like marriage, a lot is at stake. If you find yourself feeling rejected, isolated and blamed too frequently, watch out for passive aggressive behavior wreaking chaos in your intimacy. Learn how to identify this behavior and how to behave so as not to be left lonely, frustrated and blamed for the marriage failure.
There are positive ways in which you can strengthen yourself and respond in safe ways to this damaging behavior!
Allah Does not Love (24) the Sinful Traitor
By: Safaa Abdel-Aziz | 18/02/2008 | Religion
We have seen that Allah does not love the disbelievers, the arrogant, those who reject faith, the proud and the boastful, any swaggering braggart strutting in his steps, the harm doers, the unjust, the impious and guilty, the ungrateful, the transgressors, the extravagant, etc, Qaroun, Moses' cousin and the alike and the mischief-maker, the Treacherous and the corrupters who light the fires of war. In this article, Allah does not love the sinful traitor.
Forgive To Live: Free Yourself Of Emotional Baggage
By: Suzanne Bird-Harris | 14/07/2007 | Self Help
Forgiveness is difficult for many people because, too often, we think to forgive is also to condone, to say, "Oh, that's ok." We put up barriers to forgiving others because of this notion. Many times, in fact, most times what needs to be forgiven is NOT ok. It was not...
Got a Question? Ask.
Ask the community a question about this article:
Frequently Asked Questions
I met this guy online and we talked for 2 hours ...
By: Sarah | 06-07-2008
I met this guy online and we talked for 2 hours, but he said that he loves me. I mena I'm all for true love. Just the why we talk to eachother makes us happy. we haven't even seen what eachother looks like!? He lives in Australia... What do you think this is? I mean it can't be lust or love o.o hes turning 19 soon. I really do feel like a really like him, maybe not love yet. Any point of views? Or suggestions? All help its thankful for.
Ant vs Elephant, Ant has a case?
By: instaloans | 06-07-2008
Of an Ant and an Elephant,Once upon a time there was not just a big, but a very big jungle under the scope of a tiny Ant?s eye. The Ant was enormously curious about the jungle but this jungle was not only big, but very big under the tiny Ant?s eye. The Ant spent all of his time wondering how he could see it all, but the jungle, it sometimes seemed, was too big for this tiny Ant with the big curiosity.The Ant, trusting in the Lord, was always very sure that what he wanted he would get. And one day, very late in the day?another day that the Ant had spent pondering his problem?he came up with an idea. This idea could solve his problem and allow him to see more of the jungle. He would make a very special pair of shoes for his tiny feet. These shoes would allow him to do things he normally could never do, like walk through water and fly as Aladdin flew on the magical carpet.So the Ant started working on the shoes. Using ordinary materials he found in the jungle around him, he worked day by day, knowing that the Lord was with him.With the help of the Lord, the Ant completed the very special shoes that would allow him to journey through the big fascinating jungle.But a rumor soon spread across the entire jungle that an Ant was about to conquer the jungle with surety. All of the giants of the jungle, especially those giants among giants?the elephants?heard this rumor about the bodacious little Ant.One day the Ant tried on the shoes for the first time and found that they really worked! The first thing he did was to cross the stream next to where he lived.While this stream seemed very small to the large animals, like the elephants, to the tiny Ant it seemed very big. In fact, as the Ant crossed the stream, he felt like a giant as one of the elephants, who without any fear, crushed through the waters of the stream everyday. The Ant enjoyed his journey across the stream, and when he found he could cross it as easily as the elephants did, he returned home and hid his shoes where no one else could find them.Feeling bigger, the Ant grew bold and begins peeking at the large elephants. Then one day, while busy peeking at the elephants, the Ant fell in love with the beautiful big eyes of one elephant in particular who felt for the tiny Ant and guided him. The Ant with his big ideas thought that by winning the big heart of his very big love, his new jungle shoes and his new love could together help him conquer the entire jungle.But the very next day the Ant woke up and discovered his shoes were gone. With a heavy heart, the Ant started looking everywhere for his missing shoes.But the Ant still peeked at the elephants as he searched for his shoes and, much to his surprise; he discovered that one of the elephants had stolen his shoes. The giant elephant kept the shoes under his big feet so he could cross a stream so big that even elephants could not cross it.Now the mighty elephant became as confident wearing the shoes as the Ant had been. The elephants would not listen to the little Ant?s request to return the shoes and the Ant asked them several times to return the shoes. So the Ant took the matter to the lions. But the lions could not help because they had to guard their kingdom and helping the Ant would result for them to loose their royal position in the jungle. The Ant then desperately asked his fellow ants for help. But the other ants would not help, because they did not have much faith in themselves or in the Lord and they thought they were too smart to mess with the giants of the jungle and that no ant could ever conquer the jungle.After receiving no help from anyone, the Ant decided that he had four choices to get his stolen shoes back and that the elephants also had two choices regarding the shoes.The Ant listed his choices as follows.Choice number one: He could challenge the mighty elephant for a fight, he said to himself proudly, ?Who says an ant cannot fight with an elephant.?Choice number two: He could forget about the shoes and become friends with the elephant. ?The shoes would not work for the elephant anyway, so he will lose interest in them.?Choice number three: He could win over his very big love and together they could conquer the jungle. ?Love is power,?? he said.Choice number four: He could have an eagle ask the sky to decide who should have the shoes: the elephants or the ant. ?Leave it to the Lord,? he said.The Ant also understood that the elephant had options too. He understood that the elephant could either crush him under its big foot or make friends with him and agree to share or return the shoes.The Ant chose option number four and had an eagle ask the sky to resolve the matter of dispute between them.According to the eagle, the sky said, ?To conquer is to join the devil and that is the devil sense. To love is to join God if your love is clean and that is the God?s sense.And to be a good friend, it is to enjoy the sense of good humor.?The mighty elephant has yet to exercise his option, while the Ant has yet to get his shoes back...The last time I saw the Ant, it was at Starmugs Hacienda. He was chasing sugar and seeking refuge. Ant has a case? Copyright material. Please do not copy, edit, alter parts or in whole. Thank you.
Your Opinions on this Lost Love
By: Scarecrow | 06-07-2008
ok, to start off, my girlfriend and I have been dating for about 6 [and 1/2] months and we finally broke up. I fell in love with her the first time i saw her [literally]. But the problem was she didnt love me back. Hence, i spent countless hours and won her heart. She loved me [as far as i can tell]. the first five months were splended. But in that five months, i realized that she was quite immature [she was actually rather younger than me...]. But i loved her way to much to let her imatureity affect our relationship. And it wasnt like she was retarded either... But after the 6th month, she stopped spending time with me. She would hang around with her friends all the time. I mean, she I'm cool if she hangs around with her friends some of the time... but she completely stopped speding time with me. But she talked to me normally and hugged me and all of the other bf and gf shit. i started hinting her that i needed a little more attention. I'm pretty sure she figured it out. But never the less, she kept on ignoring me. In the early months of our relationship, she used to be attached to me quite tight. But now, all of a sudden, i became invisible to her. I kinda got that hint that she wasnt interested in me anymore. And i thought the best thing i can do to make her happy was to let her go. And i did. I broke up with her the nicest way i could. I told her that we should go our seperate ways. I also told her that she's a beautiful girl and she would have no trouble finding another indavidual who would love her to death. I start moving on and flirt with other girls. But then again she calls me, crying on the phone, saying she wants to get back with me. Normally i would say "no" but i really really love her and cant live when there's tears in her eyes. But nothing changed. Even though we were boyfriend and girlfriends, she still kept on ignoring me. she would spend a shitload of time with her friends and 0seconds with me. I thought this time, i'd just try to talk to her about it. She nodded. And at the end of the week in which her and i got back together, she said she wants to break up with me. I hugged her and said goodbye. I'm pretty sure she got back with me the second time only to break my heart. But i didnt bring it up to her. I just wanted her to be happy. If she becomes happy from my broken heart, then so be it. But now, she wants to be "friends". Thats rather hard for me to accpet. I stopped talking to her. And one day she even asks me "do you like hate me or something..?". I said "no". I dont hate her. But i dont think if she loved me in the first place, she'd break my heart and play with me. Do you all think i made the right decisions? Is there something else i shoudl've done to make the relationship last longer? Is all of this shit my fault? P.S. - I tried my best to treat her really well. I bought her flowers [the reddest of all red roses....]. I Wrote sweet love notes and dropped them in her locker. I bought her stuffed animals. I gave her all sorts of things to let her know how much she means to me.
I love my best friend.
By: sarebear07 | 06-07-2008
I am in love with my best friend of five years. We are both 19 and he is dating a 16 year old. He says he loves her and doesn't know I love him. Do I not say anything or somehow tell him? What do I do?
Help a 14 year old girl out
By: cheyenne | 05-07-2008
i need help i have this boyfriend devin whom i am currently with he loves me but i dont love him i lie when i tell him i do and i wanna break up than i have my ex boyfriend whom i love and he loves me back we broke up cause he was having a bad time at home but i want to be with him but he is moving far away who should i chose?
I think my boyfriend may be cheating on me
By: bonkas | 05-07-2008
i think my boyfriend may be cheating on me, my friends tell me they fount things out about a girl and him in the last week and i ask him...and he says that it's not true and he would never cheat on me because he loves me to much to hurt me and that the people who are telling me these things have falling out with him and i believe him...but who do i believe...i want to believe him but i want to believe my friends as well...so what do i do?
Q&A Powered by: 
Latest Self Help Articles
Prayers - How They Work
By: Andy Smith | 19/07/2008
Prayers have been talked about since many centuries. Every time, someone falls in a trouble, he/she wants to pray. But many people complain that their prayers are not getting answered. People of every religion believe in prayers. Internet is full of websites that have prayer requests. A prayer is asking the God what ever we want. In ordinary life we ask people what we want. Similarly in a prayer we ask God what we want.
Several Tips Towards a Younger Body and Mind
By: Lauren B. Wallace | 18/07/2008
As we get older, many of us are wishing that the fountain of youth was in fact a reality. And if you doubt the power of the fountain of youth, then maybe you are wishing that someone out there has created a magic pill that will keep you forever young. Well, unfortunately neither one of these things exists. As a result, we have to rely upon our own smarts to prepare ourselves for a healthy and youthful future.
Personality Types - Aggressive and Passive
By: Andy Smith | 18/07/2008
I am the world. The world must obey me. I can never be wrong. I know what is to be done and how. All of you must follow what I say without any protest, because I tolerate no dissent. I am the storehouse of all the knowledge and what I do not know is not worth knowing. I am the most intelligent person going around and though I do not show it clearly, I know that all of you are much lower than me in intelligence. I am the boss.
Persuasion Techniques – How to Use Persuasion Techniques in a New Working Environment
By: Michael Lee | 17/07/2008
The best persuasion techniques are usually the simplest. These influence tactics won't require you to get your hands dirty; they won't even force you to do a lot of research.
Are You Caught in Societal Eating Habits? Here's a Health Quiz for Eating and Weight Issues
By: Kathleen Fuller | 17/07/2008
Are you caught in societal eating habits? Does your life really consist of healthy eating? Your healing journey is unique, but certain behavioral similarities are fundamental at the start for nearly everyone who is affected. The answers can be found in taking this Health Quiz for weight issues and eating issues, created by Dr. Fuller
Self-esteem and False-esteem!
By: nadia cherubin | 16/07/2008
Will you love yourself enough to not perpetrate a fraud?
My Autobiography II - Health
By: Eileen Kelley | 16/07/2008
I have shared by autobiography with you and wanted to take a moment to explain the life threatening illness I went through a few years ago.
The year was 1981, place Sutton. The whole of South Central Massachusetts and Black Stone Valley was hit hard by a plague of gypsy moth...
5 Ways to Feel Great, Now
By: Angelo Campione | 15/07/2008
How often do you get up in the morning and feel great?
For most people, the answer is not very often if ever at all. The standard mode is getting out of bed because you have to and from there living the rest of the day with a low level feeling...
More from William DeFoore, Ph.D.
Nurturing and Caring for your Inner Child: How to Heal Emotionally and Master the Art of Self-love
By: William DeFoore, Ph.D. | 29/09/2007 | Self Help
Happiness, health and greater levels of self-love result from developing a strong positive relationship with your inner child. The emotional child within you holds the keys to you heart, where joy, love and the magic of creativity reside. These skills can also help you to heal from emotional wounds, resolve grief and overcome anger issues. Take advantage of this opportunity to access the wonderful energy that lies within you.
What is the Inner Child: How to Understand and Work With your Own Inner Magic and Creativity
By: William DeFoore, Ph.D. | 29/09/2007 | Self Help
Everyone has heard the term "inner child," but few really know what it means. Understanding the concept of the inner child is a key to uncovering and utilizing your own magic and creativity. Read now about your inner child of the past, present and future, and learn how they can enhance your healing, magic and creative expression. Most importantly, discover how your inner child provides a doorway to self-love.
Goodfinding in Business: the Value of Fun and Spirituality at Work
By: William DeFoore, Ph.D. | 09/08/2007 | Leadership
Work does not have to be something we wish away with expressions like, "blue Monday," Wednesday as "hump day," and "thank goodness it's Friday." When our business world is infused with spiritual values, fun, love and creativity, it becomes a highly positive and even desirable aspect of life. The better you feel, the smarter you are and the more successful you will be. Goodfinding will enhance every aspect of your personal and professional performance.
Improve your Memory With Goodfinding Practices: the Power of Optimism for Enhancing Mental Function
By: William DeFoore, Ph.D. | 09/08/2007 | Self Improvement
There is nothing wrong with your memory. Your brain is capable of far more than you may think. Choose to make only positive statements about your memory, and you eliminate the fear of memory loss and enhance your overall mental function. Optimism and Goodfinding use more brain capacity and require more creative thinking, which is healthy for your mind and attitude. Never underestimate the power of a positive mental attitude.
Healthy Grieving Techniques: How to Move Through the Grief Process to Resolution
By: William DeFoore, Ph.D. | 30/07/2007 | Self Help
Grieving is an act of love. Healthy grieving involves feeling and expressing love and appreciation for the departed person, relationship or situation. There are specific methods of grieving that you can learn and apply, greatly contribute to your health and happiness. This article provides a set of skills that will help you move through and complete the grieving process, and return to feelings of love and well being.
Stages of the Grief Process: How We Get Stuck and How to Let Go
By: William DeFoore, Ph.D. | 30/07/2007 | Self Help
No one wants to grieve, and yet it is a natural part of life. Loss is as inevitable as the love that precedes it. If you don't know how to grieve, your built up sorrow will become a burden, causing depression, bitterness and even illness. There are definite stages in the grief process, and understanding them is essential to healing and recovery. Knowing how to grieve in healthy ways is one of the most important aspects of health care and well being.
Elegant Aging: Growing Deeper, Stronger and Wiser in your Years
By: William DeFoore, Ph.D. | 02/06/2007 | Alternative Medicine
Aging is living. It starts at birth and ends when we die. Yet our cultural program is all about "anti-aging." What if you decided to age with elegance, grace and style? Elegant aging is a matter of body, mind, emotion and spirit, and the aging process is designed to make you magnificent. Use the challenge of aging to discover the amazing power of your body for self-healing, and the power of your mind to create the life of your dreams.
Alcoholism Early Warning Signs: How to Recognize Them and What to Do
By: William DeFoore, Ph.D. | 01/06/2007 | Self Help
No one ever plans to become an alcoholic. Alcoholism does not announce its approach, and often people don't know they are addicted until the disease is in its advanced stages. There are millions of unacknowledged alcoholics all over the world. Understanding the early warning signs and early stages of alcoholism is essential to staying healthy and avoiding the devastating problem of alcoholism.
|
|
Self Improvement 
