Painful Memories: What to Do?

Almost everyone has some memories that are painful. The way one responds to these memories will dictate what these memories will do to that person. In this article the author explains the consequences of harboring bitterness over such memories. Six suggestions are also offered to solve the problem.

The human mind is a great gift from God.  It manifests itself in wonderful acts of creativity all around the world.  On the other hand, the same mind can become man's greatest enemy and a curse if it is not handled and maintained properly.

Memory is an important constituent of human minds. Man has to retain a lot of things in memory for living a normal life.  But if he retains things which are better overlooked or forgotten then he is inviting abnormality.

Everyone is going to be hurt by someone or some incident.  It might be an unkind word, a cruel exploitation, a missed opportunity or an unexpected tragedy or even by a casual comment made by an unsuspecting friend.  No one can keep unpleasant events from coming repeatedly into his life.  In themselves, these events cannot cause a lasting effect, but the way one responds to them is going to create good or bad long-time effects.  If a bitter response is not forgotten soon, then gradually it fills the whole life with bitterness.  The longer one carries it in one's heart, the more it increase in severity.  Like a rotting egg, the more it is stored the more offensive it becomes.

Probably some of my readers were mistreated or cheated by a parent, a teacher, a spouse or their equals in society.  Probably his fellow students always mocked at him.  Probably one of his weakness, or even special abilities, became the target of name-calling.  Or probably others exploited his simplicity and innocence.  This is unfortunate and an evil, but according to Romans 8:28 God uses everything for bringing good his children.  But if one turns bitter and then harbors it in his heart for a prolonged period, one damages his/her mental and spiritual health  and emotions.  Others cannot hinder God from blessing us, but we can by running away from him.

As the industrial revolution becomes more widespread, and as the race for a good life segregates people into smaller units, the cushioning role played by one's extended family,  cousins and well wishers is left behind.  Consequently, the problems of damaged emotions will only increases.  These then manifest themselves in any number abnormal behavior patterns.

Manifestations of Damage: The first manifestation is hypersensitivity. The hypersensitive  person lives and thrives upon the approval of others. On the day that he gets his quota of approval he is happy and on the day he senses any lack of approval he is miserable.  Instead of being sensitive to others, such persons become insensitive, demanding and cruel.  They will hurt, dominate and push others using every tool that they have at their disposal -- money, power, sex, or even their sermons !

Eventually the situation worsens to such levels that they would not allow anyone the right to their privacy.  If another person is in pain and therefore not able to give attention to the hypersensitive person they are hurt.  If they see two persons talking or laughing in a corner, they are convinced they are the target.  In fact they are hurt by everything in the society in which they are not the center of attention.

The second manifestation is a deep sense of unworthiness.  This results in a continuous feeling of inferiority, inadequacy and anxiety.  A person with these feelings is not able to sustain his own spiritual life or the life of others. Now everyone needs a certain minimum amount of the proper kind of self-worth. Without it the person will always shrug away from all kinds of responsibilities and will always complain "I am completely worthless".  While this might be the true state of that person, the mere repetition of this fact is not going to cure him; it is only going to make him feel worse unless he solves the actual problem.

The third manifestation can be called the perfectionist complex.  A person having this complex has a deep feeling of inadequacy and always tries to avoid failure.  Since every decision in life has two possible consequences (good or bad, success or failure, appreciation or criticism) such persons avoid or postpone making all decisions.  He cannot decide what dress or appliance to buy, which career to choose, what fashions to wear and what style to keep. Any decision he finally makes is under pressure. Since spiritual life demands a never ending sequence of minor and major decisions, such a person destroys his spiritual life by his indecision.

Other problems include: fear about everything that one does, inability to accept life as it is,  and abnormal attitude towards  the sexual nature of man, but we will leave that other articles.

Divine Repair of Damage: It is commonly assumed that painful memories will heal with time and that a normal Christian life will automatically take care of such damages.  While this might be true for some, it is not so for the majority.  Many suffer chronically from the results of deep-rooted painful memories.  These will require a special effort before they are freed of the bondage. Some people will require a prolonged personal effort while others will require the continued help of a mature, and perhaps trained, consolers.  The following are some of the steps that are to be taken.

One, persons with painful memories must face this problem squarely.  This may not come easily for  most people.  Since their emotions are already damaged, which gives rise to a self-defensive outlook, accepting that one has a problem due to one's own unforgotten memories becomes very difficult.

Second, a person with painful memories must accept his share of responsibility in creating the problem.  It is true that the painful incidents were probably created by others, but the harmful effects have resulted from one's own response to the problem.  A person will never receive healing unless he accepts this  part and stops blaming others.

Third, they should confess it to the Lord.  Without this the Lord is not going to be involved in the process of healing.  Without his involvement, there will be no lasting healing.

Fourth, they should forgive everyone who is involved in the problem.  For some of my readers this might be very difficult because once they forgive they will be left with no scapegoat to blame for their problems.

Fifth, they should make the word of God a meaningful part of their lives.  Unless the sword of the spirit is allowed to pierce through one's soul and spirit, they will never be able to perceive their own personal sins.  Taking in the solid diet of the spiritual food served in a Bible believing church is also essential.

Sixth, they should depend upon the Holy spirit to purge their heart and painful memories.  He will show what the real problems is, and how to pray for it.  A spirit-filled life is an essential requirement before any healing or growth can take place.

No one is fully free from the problem of painful memories.  Many believers shed away such problems in the normal course of their spiritual growth.  However, some of us are going to carry painful memories for prolonged periods of time and damage our emotions.  Only a special effort spread over a period of time will cure the problem.  Sometimes the help of a mature and, preferably, trained person will also be required.