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Why don't I have a right to live normally?
By: ~!Question Queen Pinto Bean!~ | 16-07-2008
Please, please! I really need help. I'm sorry this is so long, but I need helpful advice. Right now, I'm about to cry, I feel nauseated, stomach tightening, about to gag, having the start of a panic attack, feeling like my life is ruined. Why can't I live life normally, because of my mental disability? My life is so complicated. No one really understands. No one cares. People treat me like I don't have a right to live, & family members hate me so much they want me DEAD. I'm not allowed to get a job, a car, or a husband, have kids, take a vacation, do what makes me happy, etc. without people judging me & telling me what I should & shouldn't do, & telling me how I should live my life. I'm tired of people hounding over me, feeling the need to MONITOR me 24/7 because they think I'm too stupid to know left from right.
It doesn't matter to others whether I have a college degree or not. I have a BA in Spanish, & people tell me, "I really don't believe you have a college degree. & you stole someone else's degree & made a xerox copy of it & put your name on there." (which is NOT true).
People DEMAND an answer for my personal business. I don't have a right to privacy. People look for excuses to trigger off my mental illness symptoms, just to feel powerful & get their kicks off of getting me wrongfully arrested or mentally institutionalized, evne if they feel they need to make up a LIE, just to get me put there, if their original strategy isn't working.
I just don't understand. & if I DO get a boyfriend or a job, family members, enemies, acquaintances, etc. do EVERYTHING in their power to get them taken away from me. My OWN twin sister hates me SO much, & she spread lies on me, saying I molested her kids, which is NOT true. She lied to her friends, saying I'm the lesbian, & she's the str8 one. She's the true lesbian, & I'm the heterosexual one. Everything she does wrong, she blames it on me. Or any difficult situation she goes through, she says it's ALL my fault (again, blaming me). We used to be in long-term foster care with abusive foster family members who hiked us up to argue, fight, etc., & students from school used to try to get us to argue & fight, too. 1 person would tell me, "Say girl! Your sister said you *********." [Sorry to sound graphic, but that's what they say].
The foster family used to beat on me & try to murder me, & give STRANGERS permission to "bust my @$$". They told me that I'm gonna wind up in jail or dead & deserve it. After we turned 18, the dumb social worker ENCOURAGED my foster mom to take my checks-my social security back pay & a trust fund from my dad. I didn't know any better. The social worker made me sign over my checks to the foster mom, & the foster mom did "who knows what" with my $$. I was young & didn't know any better. They lied & said that they were gonna give me the money later. I never received it. The bank said it was HER $$ & not mine. & the foster mom is so quick to jump down my throat over a 10-cent piece of gum, saying I spend up ALL my money. She would DEMAND an answer for how much $$ I have in the bank. When I was working during my Sr. yr. in high school, she made me give her my checks. I was very intimidated by her. Still am.
They're OBSESSED with talking about how I deserve to get my @$$ kicked, & saying that people have a right to do so. I don't bother anyone. I don't do anyone any harm. People are always controlling & meddlesome. They choose "ME" to pick on, misuse, take their anger & frustration out on, take advantage of me, etc. & when I call the cops, they lie & say that it was all in my head, & that I'm crazy & imagining things, making things up. THIS is NOT made up. Cops say they don't believe me because the people would get fake witnesses who weren't there to see the situation with their own eyes nor hear. The neighbors & the foster boys lie & say I was "cutting up", which means misbehaving.
If someone yells @ me & tries to publicly humiliate me for NO reason, & others laugh, OF COURSE I'm gonna throw a fit! They find it AMUSING that I'm 24 & still get bossed around & told what to do. When the foster mom's family members come over, she yells @ me for DUMB reasons, & her family get their kicks out of seeing me be verbally & mentally abused. & she's always starting trouble with me, & when I verbally retaliate, they're READY to jump in & POUND my face into the ground like that (I think it's called a power driver) thingy that construction workers use to break up old cement off the ground. But anyway, when she goes off on me, they LAUGH. They would choke me, beat me, put me in wrestling moves where I can't breathe, & I'm suffocating & smothering.
I HATE 99.9% of people I know. Family or not. Past & present. I'm afraid to leave the house & venture out & make new friends. I'm glad I'm out of this situation with them now, & I have my own apt. But now I have to put up with this from my biological family. EXACT SAME TREATMENT & ABUSE! My past abuse treatment is incorporated into my intrusive, unwanted OCD thoughts.
I see a psychiatrist & a counselor, but the 50-minutes, once a week sessions aren't enough for me to say what I need to say. I feel like I have NOBODY. I only have 1 friend. That friend is out of the 0.1% people that I DO like & love.
I can't even go swimming or listen to my favorite songs on my mp3 player without being considered WRONG or a danger to society. I mean, how can listening to music be a danger to myself? How can going swimming or taking a hike/walk be a danger to myself & others? People always think it's THEIR place to punish me from doing what makes me happy, or make me punish myself.
I see people my age married with kids, a good job, people younger than me financially better off than me & OWNING BUSINESSES! I can't even host or throw a casual small party without someone going OFF on me, yelling @ me, & telling me that I shouldn't try to throw a party because I don't know what I'm doing. I can't even have a family get-together @ my house or their house because my holiday would be a disaster with them ganging up on ME & disrespecting me.
It's not fair how my twin sister gets treated better than me because she strives for popularity, & I'm considered the antisocial geek. & they say I'm jealous. I have no need to be jealous of wrongful favoritism.
We weren't supposed to have any contact with our birth family until after we turned 18 because shortly after birth, my birth mom tried to smother me & kill me because she said she was jealous of how my grandma chose me as the favorite because I was a pleasantly plump baby. We were newborns/infants. & my twin had to stay in an incubator for a long time. My mom is a schizophrenic who uses street drugs & overdoses on steroids. Her mind is so messed up. & people think that just because my mom is schizophrenic, that makes me crazy, too. I don't suffer schizophrenia.
Before we turned 18, my twin sister would sneak over there, & she told the family EVERYTHING bad about me before I can even meet them. Then, when I met them, it was like a disgrace.
My twin sister has been struggling with her sexuality with all her life. She was in the closet & in denial for yrs., & figured if she married a man who resembled a female & had 3 kids for him, then that would "prove" to the WORLD that she's NOT gay. I never knew she was really a lesbian until now she calls herself a stud. I have nothing against the LGBT community, I'm not homophobic. My friend is BI. She's 1 of the 0.1% of people I love. People think my twin sister has more sense than me, just because she's ghetto & hard, & I'm not. She tries SO hard to try to please & impress the world, when I'm out to please myself. But others won't allow me. Even as an adult, if I try to go to the store to get groceries, meddlesome people (family or not) are always like, "Where are you going? Does yo' mama know where ur at!? Get yo' @$$ back inside...NOW! Before ' I ' bust yo' @$$!" & once again, everyone around laughs. Even though I'm 24, 15-yr. old teens talk to me this way, & their parents tell them that the child has every right to bust my ***.
My foster sister's stepdaughter told me @ age 15 that I shouldn't EVER have kids! & this is very bothersome to me. After she left to go back to her mom's house when she turned 16, she got pregnant AS SOON AS SHE HAD THE OPPORTUNITY. & people agree with her "a child's" opinion that I should never produce kids. Why is it OK for my twin sister to get married & have kids, & not me? & also, that same girl (the foster sister's stepdaughter) stole my cellphone @ age 15, using it to call men out of town @ night to talk sexual dirty talk, & she ran up ALL my minutes. She snooped through my phone & listened to my messages. & she had NERVE to say that I'm always complaining about people doing me something. OK. If someone stole your cellphone & did you all these things. Wouldn't you complain, too? Wouldn't you PROTEST against this unfair treatment?
People say I'm weak, naive, gullible, & vulnerable. That's why the choose ME to pick on. I hate when groups of people gang up on me, & I have no defense. The foster & biological family are so manipulative that they say if I tell anyone about the way they abuse me & encourage others to abuse me, then they're gonna take me to court for defamation & slander. But I'm telling the truth. I just have no one on my defense. & of course there's no video surveillance or tape recorder. So this is hard to prove in court. & they stalk my MySpace blogs & hack into my account & make threats to sue me. My foster sister's husband is supposedly a technology expert who knows all the hacks & everything. They make it like I'm REALLY supposed to be afraid of them.
I suffer OCD, Tourette's, anxiety, & depression, & I had 2 strokes @ age 5. @ I had hearing & speech problems & was at risk for pervasive developmental disorder when I was very young. & I also had a behavior disorder, but my behavior improved TREMENDOUSLY since 6th grade.
By 7th grade, I was a person who studied a lot & had my career goals planned & set. My family & the psychiatrist thought it was bizarre, & that I was talking out of my head because @ the age of 12, I had a desire to become a doctor. I tried to pursue a Biology/Pre-Med major in college because I wanted to become an OB/GYN becaause I'm very interested in women's health & childbirth because I think it is very amazing.
People took it out of context, saying that I'm pervertic for wanting to be an OB/GYN. I wanted to go to the Air Force, & the foster family pushed EVERYONE in the family to go, but I was eager to join, & they made up lies about me so the recruiters wouldn't accept me. They pushed my twin sister up to go, & when she got in, they were saying that I'm JEALOUS. Why didn't they say SHE was jealous when I graduated high school with 3.6 GPA ranked in the top 10% of my class? 39 out of 404, while my twin sister had to do to summer school. But anyway, I'm not for any comparison or competition. But people always try to compare us 2, & make it like she's better than me & looks better than me because she's hard & ghetto. & when people DECIDE to give her undeserved incentives that " I " worked hard for, that's not right. So why should I be jealous.
But over time, I've began to feel more & more depressed. I went through Hurricane Katrina, lost a lot of my belongings, in financial debt because of it. Now debt collectors are trying to sue me, but no employers want to hire me because according to them, I seem throwed off (throwed off, meaning ditzy & klutzy. Like my head isn't screwed on tight.) Well, of COURSE I'm going to seem mentally off if I had 2 strokes @ such a young age, right?
Many people tell me I dwell on the negative & the past & complain too much. I know I seem child-like, but I didn't get to live a normal childhood. I was always punished from social functions & social activities. Never get to watch TV or talk on the phone. Never got to go to the mall with friends. The foster family always felt like I needed to be chaperoned. & not because I'm gonna do anything bad. They just want to have a reason to get me punished again.
Like I remember this one time when my foster sister took us swimming, & I was in 7th grade. A kid offered to let me play with his swim toy. I think it was those floaties. & my foster sister punished me the ENTIRE evening! & every time people from school would see me, & tell me hi, my foster family would punish ME for saying hi back. & then when we would go to school the next day, that kid no longer had respect for me & was no longer my friend.
I can't have friends. I don't want friends. Every new friend I get tries to boss me around & control me, telling me what I should & shouldn't buy, when we go grocery shopping. & they yell @ me & publicly humiliate me in WalMart, & they're not looking out for my best interest, & neither do they care. They just want to have somebody to CONTROL! & then when I see them @ school (college campus) then next day, they turn their nose up @ me. & then I feel like, "Well, I'll be DAMN! If that was the case, I could've bought that 10-lb. bag of sugar that was on sale for $2.", for example.
& the only friend I have, she's the ONLY one who doesn't treat me like this. I ain't gon' lie. She USED TO at first, but then as she got to know me, she started to have more respect for me. The guys, who sexually want her, try to to make up lies against me, & they want her to delete me out of her life so they can have her all to themselves. & they think we're sleeping together since we hang out so much. Well, I'm hetero, & she's BI. I have no desire for another female. I want to get married & have kids. But that looks unlikely to happen. =(
People don't care about me. Not even my family. It's like, I'm supposed to be single, helpless, & child-like for the rest of my life. I hate being 24 & getting yelled @ by a 14-yr. old BOY. I hate that the foster family allowed the 12-yr. old BOYS to send me to my bedroom as time-out. & those boys got a KICK out of that, too. People say " I " have poor social skills. People scream AHHH & run when they see me, they try to avoid me, they treat me like I'm a pest. & other people say that people don't treat me like this for no reason, & they think that I MUST'VE provoked them to abuse me. So, the fact that I EXIST is provoking you? I'm 24, & a 13-yr. old tells me not to buy McDonald's, & I ignore HIM & do it anyway. & he aims for knocking ALL my teeth out. He doesn't succeed, but he busts my lip. The cops get called, & the foster mom lie & say that I tripped over a rock & fell on concrete or something. Or they say I choked myself, when the foster brother put his knee in my throat & tried to murder me over an argument over something he had nothing to do with. Even the MEN in the family 6'7" tall & try to hurt & try to kill little bitty me, 5'2". & they punch me & pound on me with ALL their strength & might. Last time this happened was like 2 yrs. ago, but it's still bothersome to me. People think I'm an attention-seeking drama queen, when I'm not. When I get sick, they lie & say it's all in my head. It's not. Sometimes it's the side effect of the psych meds. Sometimes it's Irritable Bowel Syndrome pains.
People don't want me to be an adult. 1 time, I tried to take my older brother in because he's a lot like me, but he needs people to take care of him because he's more mentally disabled than I am. But we're alike in many ways. The "foster" sister overheard my conversation & ran & told my foster mom, & the foster mom tried to STOP me from trying to take care of my brother. I'm totally different than my twin sister. & this brother surprisingly gets more respect than me, but we still get treated the same way sometimes. & the foster sister's husband tried to butt in. & he told me that I put myself in the position to DESERVE to be abused for dealing with my family because I keep putting my hand in the fire by dealing with them. Well, dealing with HIM-the foster brother-in-law, I guess I'm putting my hand back in the fire. Lots of my situations I could not escape from because of lack of money & access to available resources.
In conclusion, I just want to know if this is normal. I know it's not, but what do YOU think? How would you handle dealing with this? How would you feel to have to question the morality of everything you do, think, or say? Would it drive you INSANE to question to yourself if what you're thinking, saying, or doing is rational, logical, making sense, or not.
Many people tell me that they couldn't deal with the $hit I had to take off of people for so many yrs. They said they would've committed suicide LONG time ago! Many people think I'm weak because I obsess over this & can't get this out of my head. But then, they say I'm very strong for still @ least TRYING to pursue my career & not giving up.
Sorry so long, & thanks for reading.
Depo Lupron
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Heroine and depression
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Memory Loss and depresion
By: survivorihope | 28-06-2008
I am 46 years old and have been expierencing memory loss that seems to be getting progresivley worse over the last few weeks. I have a history of chronic depression and have been on medication for the last 7-8 years and therapy for the last 4 years. I have been taking Welbutrin XL for about 7 years, was on lexapro for about 5 years then changed to cymalbta for the last 2 years. I started to expierence anxiety and panic attacks about 5 years ago and was put on lorazapem as needed to address these. About 3 months ago I was diagnosed with PCOS and put on Metformin, I was also rediagnosed by a physciatrist as suffering from BPD, BIPOLAR II and PTSD and was put on Lamictal for the severe mood swings. I had noticed a improvment in my mood swings and irritability after about a month of the lamictal but have recently started to notice a reoccurence of these promblems making me wonder if my dosage needs to be refined. The most disturbing thing is that I have been expierencing memory loss for about the last month or so. At first it was just kind of annoying not being able to remember what I was just going to say or do, but then I also started not being able to remember words that I needed to finish a sentance but it would be right there but I couldn't access it. It has progessed to the point that as I am in the process of training a new employee I find it disturbing and embarrasing that I want to say something but can't think of the words. I have always done alot of reading, it is my favorite form of entertainment and usually read at least one book a week at least. I also like to challenge myself with word games such as scrabble and crossword puzzles. I have always thought I have a very diverse vocabulary because of these things so I find it very disturbing to not be able to remember or verablize words that I know. I have read that depression, stress and anxiety can cause memory lose, but my question is why it seems like it is such a sudden onset after I have been under treatment for the last 7-8 years? Any information or advice you can give me would be highly appreciated.(even as I write this I find myself struggling for certian words)
I have having really bad panic attacts. i am ...
By: carrie | 27-06-2008
i have having really bad panic attacts. i am deppressed. and i really would lke to come of pain pills. i have been talking them for about 10 years when i hurt my back. i really need to get my like back. is there anyway you can help me. i can't leave to go to rehab because of my job. and a nursing assistant. so please respond back to me. i really need the help
How can i go on...... I am so sad and all alone
By: candyf30 | 26-06-2008
How can i go on im so sad .....I have been there for everybody family and friend's ...I have been there for them with love,support and money but no one have been there for me ......All they do is talk about me behind my back ......Im so sad and all alone.
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