Dealing With the Loss of a Loved One

No one likes to think about illness and death, when we are well, we feel invincible and there is nothing that can prepare us for the shock and devastation of a terminal diagnosis. The knowledge that we can no longer take our lives or the lives we share with our loved ones for granted takes away our ability to plan for the future and removes hope from our lives. When a loved one becomes terminally ill, we grieve in anticipation of their death, we grieve for the loss of them in our lives and we grieve for our own mortality.

Coping with the loss of a loved one after a chronic, prolonged or long term illness can pose certain challenges for survivors. Survivors often experience grieving before the death as a way of coping with the eventual loss, but grieve again after the death has occurred. This section offers suggestions for coping with the loss of a loved one after a long term illness.

What is it about Grief & Loss that upsets us so much? Is it the fear we have about opening ourselves to all this pain? Is it the heavy duty emotions that we have to do to get through in our suffering? Because, let's face it, it's hard down there, in the land of grieving where all those emotions toss us around like a feather in a stormy and raging hurricane.

The five stages of coping with dying, was clearly explained to this author when it was described by Kübler-Ross in her classic book in 1969, On Death and Dying . Those five stages include: Denial, Anger , Bargaining , Depression, and Acceptance.

The five stages of the Kübler-Ross stage model are the known descriptions of the emotional and psychological responses that many people experience when faced with a life-threatening illness or life-changing situation.

These stages were created as a model to help explain what we may be feeling as we anticipate our own death or as we are grieving a loss. As Kubler-Ross mentions they were never intended to be a prescribed manner or represent the specific sequence that people progress through when experiencing a loss in general.

These stages are characterized by the acute despair, numbness, immediate denial, and outbursts of anger. This stage may last moments to days with periodic relapses. Bargaining for this author included intense yearning and searching for the deceased, along with some physical restlessness and preoccupation with the deceased, and even trying to bargain with my creator. The next Stage was exemplified by disorganization and despair as the reality of the loss sunk in. Apathy, withdrawals and listlessness are fairly common during this stage, along with the reliving of memories. This stage may last months. When the stage of acceptance came about for me it was a time of reorganization, when the pains of grief begin to recede, and memories include senses of joy as well as sadness finally set in.

With others I have talked to about this subject, grief has lasted up to a year, especially as the calendar runs its gamut of special times of remembrance. The acute symptoms of grief gradually lessen within a few months to the point where a grieving person can eat, sleep and return to normal, daily functioning. I didn’t realize until later how grateful I was at this point to have some normality back in my life.

However, a survivor may experience some persistent symptoms of grief for longer than a year, perhaps even two. Eventually, however, normal grief resolves.

For some people the course of grief and mourning is abnormal. I also went through one of the indicators, which was the ineffectiveness to carrying out the normal daily routines and maintaining the normal interpersonal relationships I had in my life. People more at risk at experiencing “abnormal grief” reaction would include those who suffer a loss suddenly; those who suffer a loss through horrific circumstances; those who are socially isolated; those who feel an extreme sense of guilt over the loss; and those who had an extreme dependence on the deceased. I have walked this path of “abnormal grief” as well as loosing someone from a long illness. In those cases of extreme grief, professional consultation is usually quite beneficial. I am not ashamed to admit when I was in the “abnormal grief” stage I went through extreme guilt and self imposed isolation and destructive behavior. It wasn’t until I got help that I could grab myself by the bootstraps, pull myself up out of the muck, and proceed to go on with my life.

No one is immune to grief. There are those amongst us today, who have grieved deeply in the past, there are those who are grieving deeply now and sadly, all of us will grieve at some time in the future. It is inevitable that if we love deeply, we will also grieve deeply, but few of us would deny ourselves the gift of love to our lives. So, grief becomes a part of our lives that we must learn to deal with. There are well documented stages to the grieving process, yet no two people's journey will be the same.

My initial shock over knowing my mother was dying due to Emphysema was anger and denial. I refused to believe that there was nothing I could do to save her life and begun searching for any information I could find regarding this disease, and hoping to give mom the motivation to fight and live in addition to finding someone, somewhere who had found a cure. I was looking for a miracle and found none, however the knowledge I acquired helped me to accept that my mother was dying. This did not make it easier to bear, living in expectation of a loved ones death, is like sitting on a keg of dynamite. Knowing that it is going to explode, but being powerless to stop it.

With no idea of what to expect, I feared that she might die at any time and due to this, I saw any symptom she displayed as a sign of her imminent death. I was reluctant to let her out of my sight, even to go to the grocery store, to a doctor’s appointment, to even take a shower, for fear that she would not return to me. I wondered how she would die. Would she have a heart attack, suddenly be unable to breath? Would she be in much pain? The relief I felt for each day of life she was granted was overshadowed by my dread of the beginning of each new day because the beginning of each day brought us closer to the 6 months diagnosis the staff had told me at the nursing home she was in before returning home for her last days.

Being made aware of this in May of 2004, I returned back home the end of May, packed and moved to Central Washington in 3 weeks, (by the middle of June); to assist in the care of my mother. My mother passed away the end of July 2004, I had 6 weeks with her rather than 6 months. I was glad she was no longer in pain, while at the same time feeling feelings that were familiar, yet uncomfortable at the time.

How we are feeling is what really counts. I took me awhile to accept the fact that it was ok for me to feel how I was feeling. I had to realize that there was no right or wrong to my feelings. My feelings are God given for a reason. Now how was I going to deal with this. We need to understand that this is necessary, at a surface level, but in that place we call Grief & Loss, that’s where pain dominates our life. Where suffering is the superior teacher of all others. This is really difficult, and we know it only too well at times like these. I went there because I had to, but I tried hard to escape, as soon as I possibly could.

What is necessary to get through to the end of this process? Was this simply a matter of toughing it out, or, did I have to dredge and dig and pummel myself along the way? It's hard to be sure what we must do at such times. This process is different for each individual on this journey. And once I realized that I was on my way to grieving, growing, and surviving.

All those Gurus that like to tell us, "Do it this way or that way," Have you ever asked one of them if they’re capable of handling it themselves? As a survivor, and having to go through grief, I would want to know that about them, wouldn't you? I believe the true essence of false advertising is "never having been there yourself," don‘t you think so? I believe this without a doubt. How about you?

So what do we require then to move through this journey called Grief & Loss? We seem to know that deep down where our sorrows dwell, there is an inescapable reality. We have to feel this. Nevertheless it's an ugly fact, but true. We have to feel this pain in order to remove it from our bodies. I‘ve, had to feel it, so I could learn that this too was survivable. Isn't this the most important thing in all such things, to know where you are at in your own heart, mind, and soul when you finally get to the truth?

This truth I talk about is your truth. That feeling in your gut when you know you are right. That same gut truth I’ve been told by countless people to trust because it never lies. Since this is your truth, then only you can determine its validity for yourself. I’ve had to learn that no guru can ever take me there. Deep down, this is my "house," my well-springing forth with experience. What happens here defines my life, tells me who I am and, right now, what I have to suffer at times of grief and loss.

To some that may seem sad though, to arrive in this "feeling" place where grief has brought you. Is it really? Perhaps it's a better thing than you imagined, this place where truth resides within. Perhaps it's more than you ever bargained for. Sure, grief brought you here, but what else goes on in this place of tender emotion? How about looking around, since you're already here?

These are your life lessons after all, to have and to hold, until your truths can be borne. How could you ever have a guru do that for you? No such luck! You have to do it yourself. I have to do it myself. But what a fantastic opportunity to get to know yourself better. To get to know myself better. To live deep inside your own heart and soul while
this grieving process goes on around you.

Let me assure you that you will survive. You will overcome these tragic effects. Because there is truth in there where you live. And that truth will take you somewhere important - for you! This is Your Truth, remember, and only you can assess, experience and benefit from the effects it will have upon you.

So go for it! Allow yourself to descend to where it hurts and find out for yourself what this experience of grief and loss is, and what it can teach you that might correct your misperceptions about Life, Love & Purpose. Yes, you have access to the truth, just as I do, just as we all do. As the lessons arrive in our lives, they are there for the taking. We all get them. Grief and Loss are but one more avenue to help us get to our very own Truth. Yes, the suffering will eventually pass, but the Truth last forever.

In the final analysis, the ultimate feeling in dealing with the grief response should revolve around the fact that one was blessed with the opportunity to have had a relationship with the deceased and therefore a rich experience that can live on in memory.

To reach me you may do so with comments through my website at: http://www.successbeyondmeasure.info or by contacting me at 888-323-8916 option 101. You may also email me at: richbeyondmeasure@gmail.com