Bringing Sexy Back - A Man's Perspective on Sex Appeal

In 2006 Justin Timberlake declared that he was bringing "Sexyback." Prince promptly replied that sexy never left. I'm inclined to side with Prince (though I still love the Justin Timberlake track). So what is sexy? How do we define sexiness? Is there a difference between the two? And how do they differ from sex appeal? Let's consult the Merriam-Webster dictionary for distinctions:

Sexy: 1 - sexually suggestive or stimulating; erotic. Sexiness is defined as: sexually suggestive or stimulating; erotic...ok...let's define sex appeal: 1 - personal appeal or physical attractiveness especially for members of the opposite sex.

Most women know that men are visual creatures and have sex on the brain. By the way, contrary to popular belief, we don't really think about sex every 7 seconds as Alfred Kinsey once reported. A recently conducted survey found that 54 percent of men think about sex several times a day, according to the National Academy of Scientists.

These stats are interesting, but not important because all men need to know is this: women don't think about - or want - sex as much we do. What would be interesting to note (and what I'd pay money to find out) is how often do women think about their own sex appeal? Probably just as much - if not more - as men think about sex.

While men want sex (in general), women want to know that they are sexually appealing (in particular) to the man of their choice. While single, their sexiness gives them an advantage in attracting men in the singles marketplace over their competition. The sexiest girl in the club is often the one who gets the most attention, but her true sex appeal is not readily known.

More primitive men think of a woman's sex appeal in terms of who they'd most like to have sex with. That form of sex appeal lacks distinction and discrimination. It's also biological. Men are not hormonally wired for monogamy. Our lecherous ways in fact serve a biological function in the procreation process. Selection conflicts with that process. Our criteria is mind-numbingly simple.

Contrary to what men think, women (even those who are promiscuous) are selective (at least more selective than men). The cost of having sex - and the potential results thereof - are much greater for women. Richard F. Taflinger had this to say on the subject in his popular article The Biological Basis of Sex Appeal:

In most species, females bear the brunt of the cost of sex in both time and energy. Among mammals, she must not only produce the young, she must rear them to the point of self-sufficiency. Thus, unlike the male, she doesn't have the choice of promiscuity, of creating as many offspring as possible as quickly as possible; she can not abandon offspring as soon as they are born, or her genes die with the infant (Daly 1983).

All this means she must be highly selective in her choice of mates if she wishes to produce the highest quality offspring in her reproductive lifetime. If she selects just any male that comes along, she could waste all the time and energy that pregnancy and rearing require on a possibly weak or nonviable offspring. Her criteria thus are aimed at getting the best possible male. What is important is the quality of genes he brings and the help, if any, she will have while carrying, bearing and rearing her young.

Her criteria, therefore, are more complex than the male's. Not only must he be physically acceptable, but should satisfy other factors that may contribute to her and her offspring's welfare. These can include leadership, status within a group, and fighting skill. The sex act, and his participation, being so brief, doesn't have to be of any great interest to her. He need merely be able to achieve orgasm.

Darwinism aside, sex appeal plays a major role in the context of a relationship. The "personal" aspect of sex appeal is a dual process: 1) relating to one's self in a personal way that speaks to your belief in your physical attractiveness which makes you feel more desirable 2) relating to one's lover in a way that makes him feel physically attractive. Two people who feel inner attractiveness and find each other to be highly desirable is very sexy.

Before any of that happens, a huge hurdle must be overcome. A hurdle that often proves to be insurmountable for many women, but is absolutely necessary in achieving true sex appeal: comfort with one's body (including self-diagnosed imperfections) and a healthy attitude about one's sexuality, and sex in general. It's truly a rarity. It's also truly sexy.

Ask any man you know who has experienced this type of sex appeal and they will probably describe it one word: irresistible. It's also elusive. There are many women who are sexy, but many lack sex appeal. Tight pants, form-fitting dresses, high skirts, abundance of cleavage, it's all...titillating but it's no indicator of sex appeal; it's merely an attempt at being sexy with the use of skimpy clothing.

At the end of the day (especially at night) evolved men know that women who have sex appeal don't need the help of sexy clothes to showcase it. Their sex appeal comes through - clothed or not. Their sexiness lies within the tangible comfort levels within themselves, and the organic sex appeal which resides there. That type of sexiness never leaves...or has to be brought back.