Defending the modern image of female sexuality

The issue of women's sexual arousal and orgasm with a partner is surrounded by mis-information, contrary opinions and, above all, defensiveness. More often than not, our understanding revolves around debating OPINIONS rather than the FACTS.

A male doctor claims: "Many, if not most, women by the time they are 30 regularly achieve orgasm during penetrative sex or immediately afterwards with mutual masturbation".

In the SAME article (The Times, 4th October 2008), a female therapist contradicts: "There is no avoiding the fact that orgasm is problematic for a significant percentage of women".

One issue is that sources often do not specify whether they are talking about orgasm during masturbation or during sex. For example, (on the basis of a survey) one UK medical site states: "the average British female first learns to reach orgasm at age 19?.

Women are still told they will orgasm 'naturally' when they love a man. Romance may cause a woman to be amenable to sex but anyone who is familiar with orgasm will know that reaching orgasm involves a release of SEXUAL emotions not LOVING emotions.

It is often implied that women can generate sexual arousal from purely loving emotions. This indicates a misunderstanding about how sexual arousal is achieved. Even men need to use eroticism (erotic images or the body of a sexual partner) for sexual arousal.

Female sexual arousal is a political issue

Having been been brave enough to ask personal questions about sex, I have been shocked by just how defensive, patronising and openly hostile people have been. Small wonder more women don't ask questions.

Some women claim orgasms during sex 'just happen' but they are rarely able to explain how their arousal works. When faced with women who do not share their experience of easy sexual arousal and orgasm they can be easily offended and quickly become defensive. This has made it very unpleasant to try to understand female sexuality by comparing notes with others.

The FACT that many women never orgasm during sex threatens other people's confidence in their own experiences. I have not found even one expert who has been willing to talk openly about how to orgasm with a partner.

One woman was 'highly offended' by anyone questioning whether women orgasm as easily as men. I'm sorry to burst anyone's bubble but the evidence is there for anyone to see even if they claim that their own experience makes such a thing impossible.

She continued "Many reports note that in heterosexual sex relationships, the woman's inability to orgasm is in part due to her partner's inability to give her an orgasm, among other reasons." That's very nice isn't it? Let's blame it all on men.

So men are advised that physical stimulation techniques (oral sex, thrusting or the G-spot) will 'make her scream pure bliss and beg you not to stop all night long'. But if women orgasm as easily as men do then why are these articles needed at all? Why are there no similar articles advising women on how to give their man an orgasm?

I also question not only WHY but also HOW exactly is a man supposed to give a woman an orgasm? Isn't this slightly patronising? Shere Hite concluded in the 1970's that the women who succeeded with orgasm (not all by any means) usually did it for themselves. Women LEARN how to orgasm by applying their orgasm techniques (learned from masturbation) to sex.

The fact is that relatively few women masturbate and so they never discover true sexual arousal. If a woman does not know how to give herself an orgasm then it is unlikely that someone else will be able to. Sexual arousal originates in the brain and no man, whatever physical stimulation techniques he uses, can control what happens inside a woman's head.