Female Masturbation is Relatively Uncommon

Carolyn, a relationship counselor in her fifties, told me she thought it unwise to positively encourage female masturbation. She did not give her reasons.

"Many women think of masturbation as unnatural and disgusting and a complete waste of time, and don't understand why anybody does it and are unsympathetic to the view that people might continue to do it even though they have sexual partners. The majority of men, though they may keep their feelings to themselves, don't agree." (p52 Healthy Sex 1998)

It is often implied that for a heterosexual woman, sex is an emotional experience and that orgasm (if acknowledged at all) comes from simply loving her partner. The unspoken fear is that any activity as sexually explicit as masturbation, might interfere with the more acceptable loving experiences that a sexual relationship can provide.

Carolyn knew that I masturbated and she asked me, rather tactlessly I thought, whether I had ever had any lesbian tendencies. It reminds me of the joke told by a character in the film 'Flashdance'. A male chef asks, "What's this?" and sticks his tongue out flat. The answer - "A lesbian with a hard on!".

Lesbian women are seen to be explicitly sexual with a need for their own physical sexual arousal (involving the clitoris). Whereas many heterosexual women are more comfortable settling for the loving aspects of relationships including sexual intercourse, which can be justified morally on the grounds of reproduction. There is an implication that there is something immoral about heterosexual women enjoying sexual pleasure.

We like to underplay the physical aspects of heterosexual women's sexual arousal. Even though women do have 'hard-ons' we rarely acknowledge this fact. We prefer to attribute strong physical responses to male sexuality. My own experience is that although I enjoy my own sexual arousal and orgasm, my focus is on what is happening in my head rather than to my body. In general, men are more tuned into the physical side of sex (genital focus) but a woman appreciates the sensuality of her whole body (her power to arouse a man).

One disadvantage of masturbation and learning how to give yourself an orgasm early on in life is that your expectation is set much higher than a woman who does not know what an orgasm is. You are then sure to face disappointment if you assume that a sexual experience shared with a lover will necessarily be as easily pleasurable.

"Masturbation is a normal sexual outlet, which is most common in adolescence, but which is practised at all ages, by people with and without sexual partners. Masturbation is a healthy way of learning to explore your body, of developing your sexuality and your sexual fantasies. All of these are important for a fulfilling sexual life." (p56 EveryMan 1980)