Increasing Sexual Stamina & Achieving an Orgasm From Sex

Question to Spicy Gear's Experts - I am new to sex, and my boyfriend doesn't last long, which is a combination for really bad sex. I have been using a vibrator to get some pleasure out of the relationship (only external success so far), but I want it to work with my boyfriend. I know it's not an easy thing to learn, but what can my boyfriend do to increase is "stamina" and what can I do to get closer to an orgasm from sex? I feel totally at a loss.

I’m going to assume from what you shared that both you and your boyfriend are younger, perhaps late teens-early 20’s. With this in mind, I must urge you to RELAX!!! It is very typical for younger men to experience rapid ejaculation. It takes time to develop the skill of control. Young men often feel much pressure and anxiety to “perform” perfectly. They don’t yet understand that making love is not a performance!!! There is an old joke that has gone around for ages, about men thinking about baseball while having sex. The truth is, this is a strategy used by many men as they learn how their body works and where that point of no return is. And one way is to shift focus onto something other than sex just before the point of no return so to decrease the excitement and prolong the sexual encounter.

Now, about your orgasm. Research has consistently found that the majority of women do not reach orgasm through intercourse alone. For most women, clitoral stimulation is necessary to reach orgasm. The clitoris has the most nerve endings. The vagina has few. The average women needs at least 20 minutes of ‘core-play’ to reach heightened sexual excitement. Some refer to this as “fore-play” as if it is what you do before the good stuff! I say the core-play is the good stuff! Young couples tend to rush through this time and start intercourse before the woman’s body is ready for it. Orgasm during intercourse still requires clitoral stimulation, whether it be through manual stimulation, use of a vibrator, or pressure on the pelvic area that occurs with some sexual positions.

So, do not worry. Relax. Enjoy yourself as you discover your sexual Self, and be assured, your sexual development is a life long process and will only get better as time goes on!!

Question answered by Spicy Gear's Sex Therapist Lynne Santiago, MS, LMHC