Is There Any Such Thing as a Crap Blowjob?

As long as she takes it in her mouth its amazing; even if she does chew it a bit!

Well, with a little bit of help from male readers out there, I am here to test the hypothesis - Is There Any Such Thing As A Crap Blowjob?

As a woman, I am of the opinion that there isn't such a thing as a crap blowjob. But if you would like to tell me different and tell me a tail of a crap blowjob you received and why it was crap, please email it to me and I will add it to this article as evidence! Email it to blowjobs@sextoytesters.co.uk as the people below did...

Blokes Evidence for the Existence of Crap Blowjobs
Albert says "A blow job is suppose to feature the mouth... sometimes she would just wank and talk. I thought the whole point was to put something in her mouth to make her shut up!"

Frank says "Too much teeth and not enough experience"

Flipper says "Well let me tell you about a crap blowjob. The girl who gave it too me was very good looking, but boy was she crap at blowjobs. It felt like she had her mouth open so wide you could of parked a semi-trailer in there I have to admire her for that because I am not small but yuck made up an excuses and dumped her"

Amazing mind-blowing Blowjob Tips
If you never want a story told about you as evidence of crap blowjobness, you had better read on...

Leave the lights on. Men love to watch so leave the lights on and give him an eye full.

Lick and suck his balls, taking them into your warm mouth - this is nicer for both of you if he has a little shave down there.

Be enthusiastic (or fake it) “Mmm” and groan whilst you suck and play with yourself as his excitement builds.

If you can't deep throat without gagging try lying on your back with you head hanging over the bed (so your a bit upside down) whilst he shags your mouth.

Hum a song during fellatio - it feels wonderful to him.

Use a hand at the base of his cock to pull up to meet your lips on there decent, its also useful for controlling how much cock you have in your mouth so you can prevent gagging episodes (not at all sexy)

Free hands should be busy at all times - stroke his balls, stomach, perineum, prostate etc

Hold eye contact from time to time whilst you suck him.

Before taking him into your mouth collect a pool of saliva, you need a nice wet mouth to begin.

Be really naughty and lightly rub your teeth down his shaft - careful how you go, no one can relax when they are afraid of getting a prince Albert.

Before it even gets as far as cock sucking tease him and suck his fingers. Men love to have their fingers sucked is shows to them your oral expertise.

Get a steady rhythm going getting faster and harder towards his climax.

Don't wait to be asked, just get it out and help yourself to lunch.

Buy him a Fleshlight - apparently they are better than a blowjob!

Alternate twirling your tongue around his helmet in a large sweeping motion one way, and then the other way.

Eat a polo or Tic-Tac before you head south to add a tingling sensation.

Get feedback - ask him if it feels good.

Don't worry about making big sloppy wet slurping noises, men love messy eaters.

Spit or swallow? Well never spit, it does your hot lover status no favours! Either swallow it quickly trying not to let it touch your tongue (if you really don't like it) or switch to having penetrative sex or suck his balls and Finnish him on manually over your tits, throat or face.

Tease before you get down to business. Kiss and suck and trail your tongue around his groin area, before homing in on his shaft and head.

Flicker your tongue around his head focus on the frenulum, lick up the valley of his head to his urethra opening with your lips sealed around his cock, then plunge down onto his throbber. Head and plunge, lick and suck technique.

Flicker your tongue during sucking.

Swallow when his cock hits the back of your throat - it tickles.

Deep breaths and relax your throat muscles to prevent gagging.

Have an ice cube in your mouth or have a swallow of a warm drink for extra sensations and variation.

Get him reading a sex scene from an erotic novel or wank mag as you suck him off.

Get his cock out and suck it when he least expects it - when he’s watching the footy, on the phone ordering a pizza, relaxing in a warm bath....

Blatantly suck his cock with attitude - show him what a cock sucking porn star you are!

With so many ways to suck cock, how can any blowjob be crap? It’s pretty hard to fail isn't it? Therefore crap blowjobs really can't exist can they?