Keeping the Fire Alive in Your Marriage

"So dear I love him that with him, all deaths I could endure. Without him, live no lives." - William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet

Deep love between a wife and husband is not something that just happens on its own, but rather, it must be fostered, cultivated, and protected. I have seen far too many marriages that have lost the deep intimate love they shared when they first fell in love. What happened? Life happened. Life brings many joys to and many stresses upon a marriage in the years that follow the wedding. If a couple isn't careful, the bonfire of their love begins to slowly die down and eventually becomes a small smoldering pile of coals that will soon lose all their heat and turn cold. Don't let this happen to you and your marriage relationship.

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I would like to share with you some wisdom keys that will help you rekindle the fire in your marriage and bring it back to life as a roaring bonfire.

Start thinking of your marriage as a bonfire that needs continual "fuel" to burn bright and strong and long. One definition of a bonfire in the dictionary is this: "A large fire built in the open air for warmth, celebration, or entertainment." You could translate this to say that your marriage is a large fire of emotional, sexual, and spiritual intimacy built in the open air of love, respect, and service for the warmth and celebration and entertainment of the union of the husband and wife.

Now, think about what kind of "fuel" a bonfire needs to stay hot and strong and bright. The two most important ingredients that you need to fuel a fire are plenty of wood (combustible material) and oxygen. In this analogy, I would like to share what I believe are some of the most important ingredients to fueling a healthy and passionate marriage.

Fuel Ingredient #1 - A deep selfless love for your spouse.

By selfless love I mean a heart that puts the needs and desires of the other person first in a way that is the exact opposite of a selfish or self-centered heart. Instead of focusing on yourself and your own needs, you would focus on giving to your spouse and loving them.

Fuel Ingredient #2 - Healthy respect of the husband by the wife and a healthy honor of the wife by the husband.

Husbands are designed by God to need the respect of their wives in order to be the loving husband they want to be. In a similar way, wives were created to need the honor of their husbands in order for them to be fulfilled in the marriage. I encourage you to evaluate the attitude of your heart towards your spouse and make the necessary adjustments to add more fuel to the fire of your marriage.

Fuel Ingredient #3 - Meeting the emotional needs of your spouse first, and then their sexual needs.

This is where a lot of marriage relationships break down because each person is focused on trying to get their own needs met by manipulating their spouse in one way or another. I have been guilty of this numerous times. When I finally come to my senses and evaluate what's going on, I often realize that I have been selfish, self-centered, and primarily focused on meeting my own emotional needs rather than the needs of my spouse. Naturally this leads to conflict, neglect of fundamental emotional needs, hurt, and separation.

As a husband, I've learned that if I want to have a deep, loving, passionate time of lovemaking with my wife in the evening, then I first need to prioritize some time to sit down and talk with her and meet her emotional needs of loving conversation and affection. She needs me to look into her eyes with interest in who she is and how her day was and how she is feeling about her life, our family, our marriage relationship, her interests, etc. She needs to connect to me emotionally before she is ever able to really connect to me physically and sexually.

With children in the house, it's often nearly impossible to connect emotionally through loving conversation while the kids are awake and constantly interrupting. Therefore, we've agreed to prioritize spending some quality time together after the kids go to bed and after we've taken care of the day's duties. For us, this means that every night at 9:30 pm we meet together for an hour of quality shared time in order to meet each other's emotional and physical needs. We use the first 30 minutes to just sit and talk about the day, our feelings about things, etc. This time of personal conversation is when I seek to really listen to my wife and let her express her feelings. Of course, she also wants to hear my feelings about things, so I make it a point to open up and share my emotions with her. We've found that after half an hour of emotionally meeting each other's needs through loving attentive conversation and light affectionate touch, we are then ready to meet each other's sexual needs and desires.

I believe that these three ingredients are the fuel that every marriage needs to get the fire going and to keep it going from day to day.

I encourage you to sit down and make a plan to spend some quality emotional time together each evening, followed by some quality sexual time together. I have noticed that wives tend to need more of the emotional connecting through loving conversation with their husbands, while husbands tend to need more of the emotional connecting through loving and passionate sexual intimacy with their wives. In case you missed it, yes, I did say daily. The emotional needs of each partner need to be met on a daily basis, just as the sexual needs of each partner need to be met each day as well. Emotional connection through daily quality conversation is the wood to the bonfire of your marriage, and sexual connection through daily quality sexual intimacy is the oxygen that is also needed. One without the other will not create a bonfire; you need both working together to fuel the flames. By planning and prioritizing a daily "golden bonfire hour," the wife and the husband can each have their own emotional and sexual needs met, and the result will be a growing bonfire of love.

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