Orgasm During Sex

Orgasm is not the critical goal for women that it typically is for men. So women will invest in their sexual relationship, even without orgasm, if they feel good about the relationship in general.

The following summarises the background to women's experience of orgasm with a partner:

• Clitoral stimulation: most women who experience orgasm need direct stimulation of the clitoris.
• Sexual fantasies: some women also use quite surreal sexual fantasies to reach orgasm.
• Orgasm techniques: as a result of the above many women never orgasm with a partner.

Women certainly use both clitoral stimulation and sexual fantasies to achieve orgasm during masturbation alone but that does not mean that the same techniques always work effectively during sex with a partner. The aim is not to dwell on the difficulties but to accept that they exist and suggest how couples can improve on what they already have.

Being more relaxed about orgasm, means that women have more time to enjoy their own sexual arousal during sex play with a partner. This is why lack of female orgasm is not usually a show-stopper in a sexual relationship. Over time though, a man needs to offer some sensual pleasuring focused on his partner's arousal so that sex holds some rewards for her.

Sex often provides women with sexual arousal not orgasm

Men's sexual arousal is usually easy and so men tend to approach sex already fully aroused, which gives them a natural advantage. With less need for orgasm and a lower orgasmic ability, women have more time to enjoy their partner arousing them. While men can usually hope for orgasm from their sexual encounters, most women learn to settle for the more diffused sensations of sexual arousal

"Sex is a very different experience for women and men. A man experiences pleasure primarily as a release of sexual tension. A woman experiences sex in an opposite way. For her, the great joys of sex correspond to a gradual build up of tension. ... A man's immediate desire to touch and be touched in his sensitive zones is a given. He does not need much help in getting excited. He needs help in releasing or letting go of this excitement. In a sense, he seeks to end his excitement, while a woman seeks to extend her excitement to feel more deeply her inner longing." (p27 Mars & Venus in the Bedroom 1995)

Given the fact that women do not enjoy orgasm as easily through intercourse as men do, women often settle for sexual arousal and sensual massage with a partner. This does not mean that women do not seek orgasm in general but that they accept that it is difficult to achieve through sex with a partner. This has certainly been my experience.

This probably also explains multiple orgasms. Unless a woman knows what orgasm feels like (from masturbation) she can easily confuse sensations of arousal (or thrills of muscle spasms) with orgasm. My body's reaction after orgasm is similar to a man's. I feel completely relaxed and I do not have the ability to arouse myself immediately due to clitoral sensitivity.