Pole-position: Why Women Shouldn't Take Lap- or Pole-dancing Lessons

For women the logic of taking lap dancing lessons may seem a no-brainer; if your man is out with his eyes on stalks ogling other women strutting their silicone and stuff, then why not self-cater at home?

You’d be surprised at how many women are donning their g-strings and feather boas and are hot-footing it to lap or pole dancing classes; while their unsuspecting mates do boy-things, like indulging in the somewhat drearier Saturday morning golfing 4-ball.

At these quick-fix-your-way-into-being-ultra-sexy lessons the chief goddess-of- instant-nymphomania first provides the novice dancers with a lot of reassurance about their sexuality and then offers many a lesson about what men really want.  Of course these testosterone-teasing mentors know what they’re on about because many of them are the gyrating pole pussycats that your men may be leaving home for.  

The glitter-encrusted rookie dancer’s education is complete when she is armed with some tricky contortionist moves and a new found façade of sexual self-confidence.  Then like a bolt out of the blue, she ambushes her mate and begins grinding, bumping and sliding all over his most delicate equipment. 

But no one experiences a bigger comedown than the greenhorn ‘tarts’ themselves, when instead of consummating her flamboyant effort with a rewarding romantic interlude, he turns purple with embarrassment or falls about laughing.  

Of course there must be some men who like their women seducing a temporary pole set up in the living room, but they appear to be far fewer and further between than those who corpse with embarrassment.   

One of the more honest women who fell into this new-fangled sexual booby-trap described her partner’s expression as looking like he’s had ‘acid thrown in his face’.  Others pleading guilty at the internet confessional have suggested that men should be more appreciative, some even advising that a more appropriate reaction would be ‘extreme enthusiasm’.  

Asking men to fake-it in the gusto department is a bit like canned laughter in banal sitcoms; without which you apparently wouldn’t have the foggiest idea of when or how to respond. 

But faking-it is unlikely to address the problem because the issue is not about women being sexy; rather it is a monumental misunderstanding about what women think men want.  For instance women believe that men are turned on by skin-covered-skeletons, yet many males will tell you that anorexically thin females bruise their hip bones during the most intimate moments.   

Likewise, most men don’t want to see their women coiled around a pole; the turn on comes from drooling over unknown women anonymously.  Many men are too self-conscious to perv over their partner’s body without any regard for her personality but, for the strip-club goers, this is the main attraction.  To them the women are purely bodies and the biggest turn on is the fact that getting the show on the road doesn’t require flowers, listening to any nattering or a few weeks of begging.  It’s simply a matter of ejaculating the contents of your wallet into her g-string. 

When a group of macho-jocks was asked how they would react to their women mimicking strip-club babes, most couldn’t contain their laughter.  In fact laughter seems to be the most common male reaction to lap dancing wives or pole-dancing partners.  There just wasn’t a single response that would lead you to believe that they were turned on by the idea of their woman being a ‘Barbie bitch’ or a ‘Silicone Ho’.  This derogatory language is common lingo used in strip-club chat forums and it begs the question: Is this how women want their men to see them?   

Evidently the new-found pole-dancing industry knows that playing up the sex-goddess aspect is a limp-biscuit because as a big part of their sales-job to women, businesses with cheesy names like ‘PoleKittens’ and ‘Sedusa’s Studio’, claim that sexercise is top of the pops when it comes to a good physical servicing.  So instead of doing Teletubby impersonations on the now passé Pilates’ balloon, the latest fad encourages women to say bollocks to the ball and up with the pole instead.  And what better way to sell it to gullible women than to play on the weight loss aspect. 

There is however more to this story and it’s about women being manipulated to work at things they do perfectly well in the first place.  The media is constantly on a woman’s case to improve her look and her skills - be it in the home, the boardroom or the bedroom.    

While a bit of fun or fantasy may be entertaining, it doesn’t change the fact that women are sexual beings – period! So there is nothing to work at.  Any sexologist will tell you that the most important sex organ is the mind and this form of stimulation has little to do with what you look like, it’s about who you are.  

Sam Keen, author of Fire in the Belly – a book that explores the male question - says a man will be more sexually attracted to a woman who is powerful and accomplished than to those who are physically beautiful.  When men were asked about their top 10 qualities in women they listed the following:  intelligence, sense of humour, physical attractiveness, independence, trustworthiness, sense of adventure, good values, self-confidence, sex appeal and kindness.  When asked which of these qualities they would most likely compromise on, physical attractiveness was the first to go, albeit they admitted so reluctantly. 

Before splashing out on lessons that could potentially turn you into a gyrating Sumo wrestler, try talking to your partner first.  Find out if you taking pole-position in the living room is what will shift his gear stick and, more importantly, will it be what keeps his roving eye on the track at home? 

Men do think about sex often (in fact very often), but what really turns them on is acknowledgement.  Instead of grinding away at his privates, caress his ego.  Tell him how smart he is or what you value him for and then sit back and watch his engine vroom.  This will make him feel good and at least you won’t put yourself at risk of being the laughing stock of the sitting room.