Sexual Fantasy - 6 Common Concerns of Christians

Sexual fantasy as an acceptable idea, much less a positive one, seems to be rare in the Christian community.  Many people may not have given the concept much thought but just have a negative "feel" about it.  A common response to the idea of sexual fantasy is, "Well, I do not see anything that leads me to believe that sexual fantasies are wrong, but I just think they are." 

I am going to list some reasons Christians hold a negative belief about sexual fantasy and then a response to those beliefs.

1. They think that sexual fantasy is connected with pornography.

Yes, some fantasies are products of suggestive ads, movie and T.V. scenes, and even pornography.  So while fantasies can come from these things, it is important to note that individuals have fantasies regardless of whether they have ever seen pornography of any type.  I do not believe that a negative source always leads to a problematic fantasy, but that possibility is there. To counter this problem couples should be honest about the source of their fantasies.  If the fantasizer knows the source of the fantasy and it is something negative or immoral, that fact should be discussed and addressed.  For some that will make the fantasy bad, for others it will not be an issue.

2. They are taught so often that sexuality is bad before marriage that they have a hard time removing the mental barriers after they get married.

This is a difficulty for many couples.  However, to state it succinctly, married life is categorically different from single life and a completely different set of rules is in play.  Once sexual intercourse becomes acceptable, thinking about sexual intercourse does also, as it would be difficult to have sex but never think about it.  When that problem is present the couple needs to address it and make an effort to move past it.

3. They have not spent much time focusing on their own fantasy lives and do not think a fantasy life is important.

Choosing to ignore fantasies yourself does not make them wrong for others.  No one should be forced to think about their fantasies by their spouse or anyone else, but the person does need to realize that others will choose to focus on their own respective fantasies.  Even if one member of a couple does choose to ignore their own fantasies, they should remember that they should be offering their bodies and minds to their spouse.  The needs of one spouse become the needs of both.  As usual, open discussion is encouraged.

4. They think all fantasies focus on immoral things and that the underlying action is wrong.

This is common because some fantasies would be sinful if they were acted out.  A common one that fits this description is the fantasy of having sex with multiple people.  The fact that for some fantasies the underlying action is wrong does not mean that is true for all fantasies.  This potential problem should be examined case by case.  For a sexual fantasy the questions should be asked:  What are the specific actions that they believe are immoral?  Why are they immoral?  Just because a topic is not discussed from the pulpit on Sunday does not make it a sin.  Sexual fantasies can be sinful, but they are not necessarily sinful.  Many are helpful and God given.

5. They think that fantasies are about people other than one's spouse.

The most common fantasy for most people is having great sex with their current partner.  They should not let jealousy and insecurity get in the way of something that has the potential to strengthen their marriage.  Honesty between spouses can help remove this concern.   When discussing a fantasy the fantasizer can be sure to make it clear that the fantasy revolves around their spouse.

6. They are resentful that they have not had their fantasies fulfilled in the marriage.

If their fantasies are not being fulfilled, it is time to start doing something about that problem.  The answer to unfulfilled fantasies is not to dismiss them altogether, it is to understand and embrace them.  Being quietly resentful is never helpful in any area and sexual fantasy is no different.