Who is qualified to advise on female orgasm?

Given the practical nature of sex (book-learning only gets you so far!) we tend to assume that sex experts must have personal experience to support their ‘expertise’.

Yet such is our society’s embarrassment over sex that even when a person, in a position of authority, is advising others about sex we think it improper to ask them to account for their sexual experiences. Even though these experiences constitute their primary qualifications.

Most women, sex experts or not, never learn to masturbate. Without the knowledge of how to achieve their own orgasm through masturbation, they never learn how their own sexual arousal works and that genital stimulation is required for orgasm as much for women as it is for men.

We even accept men advising on female orgasm because of the misconception that women respond to physical sex play much as men do. But women do not approach sex aroused enough (in their minds) for physical stimulation to be effective (lead to orgasm).

Given that so many women either mistake orgasm or fake it, it seems unlikely that many men have ever been with a woman who knows how to achieve her own orgasm. In any event while a woman simply lies there waiting for a man to give her an orgasm, she will never take responsibility for her achieving her own sexual arousal.

The fact is that men learn about how their mental arousal works through masturbation. But heterosexual women can claim to reach orgasm during sex without any need to acknowledge how they achieve sufficient psychological arousal for orgasm.

Providing intimate details of a sexual relationship

Some people object when intimate details are provided to describe sexual activity between two people. They assume that the author is either trying to impress or to shock. I have provided personal details of my sex life for two main reasons.

When I first started out, I was tempted to talk about sex generally because it was embarrassing to be specific. Over time I learned that it was easy to end up talking at cross purposes unless you are specific. One person’s ‘you know what I mean’ is not necessarily the same as another’s. In fact, shockingly they can be quite the opposite.

Women rarely masturbate or pay for sex as men do. Equally, many of the stranger sexual behaviours (e.g. fetishes) tend to be associated with men rather than women. On top of all of this we encourage women to limit their sexual experiences to vaginal intercourse even though intercourse is not designed, either physically or psychologically, to facilitate female orgasm.

Unsurprisingly, since the vagina has few nerve endings, I experience no arousal whatsoever from intercourse. My best orgasms come from masturbation alone but I also feel some highly pleasurable sexual arousal (and a kind of physical orgasm) from anal sex. After many years, I have also found ways to incorporate my sexual fantasies into my sex life.

Naturally all of this is very shocking. But if heterosexual women want to enjoy orgasm then they need to admit to some erotic or ‘naughty’ thoughts and deeds. How else does a person become aroused enough for orgasm? Women who insist that vaginal intercourse works for them despite all the known facts cause unnecessary confusion over how female orgasm is achieved.

The other reason that I want to be explicit about the details of my sexual experiences is in order to counteract people who will imply that I know nothing about sex, orgasm and fantasy. Inevitably when a woman admits to a lack of orgasm during sex, other people helpfully suggest she must be sexually inhibited, sexually ignorant or with a partner who is sexually incompetent.

So I need to tick all the boxes. OK – I’ve not had sex with hundreds of different men. But women who are promiscuous can be criticised for setting a ‘bad example’ to younger women. So I’m heterosexual. I’ve lived with my partner for over twenty years. I have three daughters. I am college educated and we have made the most of exploring sex together.

Over the years, like many other couples, we have found that achieving female orgasm as part of our sexual relationship is not easy. Others will claim otherwise but they never provide enough factual detail to make it clear that it is not just sexual bravado.