Why is Sexual Pleasure So Controversial?

Self-evidently there are the 'responsible' aspects of sex as well as the 'pleasurable' but sexual ignorance is of no use to anyone.

Young women today are more likely to end up pregnant as a result of pressure from men or from idealised images of motherhood than from any hope to indulge in enjoying sexual pleasure. Allowing teenage girls to hope to enjoy their sexual relationships is an important part of giving women the confidence to stand up for what they want in life.

It may be that in the first instance, a woman's sex drive is more likely to involve a desire to enjoy family rather than orgasm. But female sexuality can encompass more than this reproductive capacity. Girls need information about how their sexual arousal works if they are to discover how to get the most out of a long-term sexual relationship.

In an ideal world, we would all be jumping up and down to know the top 10 tips for encouraging women to enjoy sexual pleasure with a partner. Unfortunately, many people fear that women always stand to be exploited through sex because men's sexual arousal and orgasm are so much more easily achieved. Thus sexual pleasure is more usually associated with women facilitating male gratification than with them enjoying their own arousal and orgasm.

'Joy of Sex' was one of the first books to promote the idea of the mutually enjoyable sexual relationship. One might have thought that a sex expert would be best qualified to present the 'ideal sex life' but the author was just an 'ordinary' member of the public. There was nothing 'ordinary' about Alex Comfort's sex life though. Indeed, such a sex life is a rarity for anyone, sex expert or not.

If you are fortunate enough to be a liberated couple, I'm sure that even you would struggle to incorporate the variety of sexual activities that Alex Comfort describes in his book on a regular basis. You are lucky because even today the vast majority of couples do not explore sex with the sense of adventure and total lack of inhibition depicted in 'Joy of Sex'.

Lack of understanding about female sexuality means that women are often reluctant to promote the clitoris, either through female masturbation or oral sex, to younger generations. This may explain the custom in some primitive African communities of the surgical removal of a young woman's clitoris (grossly mis-named 'female circumcision') by older women in the tribe.

Even though some women do explore sexual pleasure through genital stimulation, there is very little practical information passed on by more experienced women to enable younger women to learn how to go about transferring orgasm techniques from masturbation to sex with a partner.

A 'good' sex life involves more than sexual intercourse

Women can have a low expectation of sex because they lack knowledge about their bodies and their sexuality. Conversely, if women have the facts about the physical and psychological aspects of female sexuality: then at least they are in a position to make personal choices.

When I was in my twenties, I visited my doctor regularly for medication to relieve the discomfort that accompanied sexual intercourse. I accepted pain as part of my experience of sex because it was implicit that it was unfair to deprive my boyfriend of a sexual outlet. I also assumed that it was my personal failing that I could not naturally enjoy sex as my partner did.

A woman can accept a man's sexual attentions, regardless of her menstrual cycle. This provides women with more flexibility in attracting and keeping a mate. However, just because we are able to offer sexual intercourse does not mean that we have to. Unfortunately, it may be that men achieve the best sexual satisfaction from thrusting during penetrative sex simply because of the sexual biology.

Oral sex or mutual masturbation are both obvious solutions if they work for you. Otherwise, on the basis of a loving relationship, you can offer your partner alternative sex (non-penetrative) based on his orgasm. This could include allowing him to masturbate himself (depending on your generosity, you could offer to suck him off or masturbate him) while you display yourself provocatively or allowing him to masturbate by riding between your breasts (if large enough!) or your buttocks.

"With my boyfriend of four years, we pretty much stopped 'having intercourse', because it just wasn't working for me, and he doesn't want me to do it if I don't like it. He still comes, and I do too, and I don't have to worry about pregnancy." (p104 The Hite Reports 1993)

Jane Thomas: Author http://WaysWomenOrgasm.org and http://Nosper.com