Women Who Rely on Fantasy For Arousal

I have never been a romantic. But in recent years, I must have gone soft in the head because I now enjoy romantic dramas. I admire the hero's masculinity, his body (admittedly fully clothed) and his portrayal of restrained sex drive. Romance may make a woman amenable to sex but I have not found that it helps with sexual arousal. I need much more explicitly erotic scenarios for orgasm.

It is this huge gap between women's emotional and erotic responses that must be difficult for a man to understand. Men experience both loving and erotic feelings for a lover so they do not necessarily need to use any artificial aids during sex with a partner, especially in the early days of a relationship.

Men's experience of masturbation leads on quite naturally to sex with a partner. Men masturbate by imagining the sexual attributes and sexual responses of a partner. Women don't use the images of men for arousal during masturbation but enjoy more psychological situations.

This style of fantasy is much more difficult to transfer to sex with a partner. Some women claim to succeed with this but I have met more women who don't. I have not been able to use my fantasies effectively during sex (see my other article 'Lack of sexual arousal during sex').

It is very natural for a man to feel insecure about a woman's use of sexual fantasies, just as some women feel insecure about men's enjoyment of pornography. We worry that a lover uses other sources for arousal because they don't find us attractive. These are common misunderstandings about the difference between enjoying our own arousal and loving another person.

An appreciation of eroticism lies at the core of understanding our own sexuality, what turns us on and enables us to enjoy orgasm. A woman who enjoys eroticism and fantasy is likely to be more adventurous in her sex-life with a partner.

No doubt many women are outraged by the idea of encouraging masturbation, oral sex or anal sex. I am not particularly trying to encourage any particular sexual activity. I am simply saying that if a young woman wants to enjoy sexual pleasure with a partner (as opposed to get pregnant) then she may need to explore activities other than vaginal intercourse.

Like it or not, this is simply the way the facts of women's sexuality stack up.

Vaginal intercourse is unlikely to arouse a woman because the vagina is capable of expanding to allow a baby's head to pass so it's not going to feel much from a thrusting penis. Likewise, the vagina is not designed to be sensitive otherwise childbirth would be even more painful than it already is.

I am asking other sexually experienced women out there, who know about orgasm from masturbation (so that we can be sure that we are talking about the same experience) to share notes on activities that they have found arousing enough for orgasm during sex with a partner.

Jane Thomas: Author http://WaysWomenOrgasm.org and http://Nosper.com