I’m a Berby Girl…ouch

It may appear unfair to a cynical minority, but nepotism remains as common as Coleen McLoughlin. I certainly have my father to thank for my first job – he was a kerb-crawler.

Dimitar Berbatov also has his father to thank for his career. His Dad instilled a passion for team sports.

Terry Venables has tried to make Berbatov a scapegoat in the current crisis engulfing Tottenham. Personally, I can only point the finger at Levy and Comolli; they’ve left Ramos with the most useless pair up front since Kylie Minogue.

Venables still has friends amongst certain sections of the press, but I would trust him about as far as I could throw Frank Lampard. If Tel told me it was raining, I’d have to look out of the window before letting the bint back in the house.

One United player who does deserve criticism is Ronaldo. The Portuguese ladyboy earned another contentious penalty last week after collapsing like Judy Finnegan’s breasts.

Rob Styles definitely erred when he apologised to Bolton for his decision to award United an advantageous penalty. There’s now a mountain of correspondence for Mike Riley to catch up on.

I do agree with the decision not to punish Styles for his controversial clampdown on the fair tackle. Demotions should only be considered if a referee sends off John Terry.

The standard of officiating is at such a woeful level; referees will even award a phantom goal when the ball doesn’t go between the two posts. It is difficult to comprehend, but it does explain Robbie Keane’s fifteen goal tally last season.

It’s now reached the stage where games should only be refereed by ex-footballers, although that does discriminate against Robbie Savage.

There’s only one thing I dislike in life more than Savage, and that’s drink-driving. Whenever I’m behind the wheel, I top up my alcohol level intravenously.

I don’t want to preach to Carlton Cole, but you should never take the wheel while intoxicated - unless it’s a relatively short journey.

Steven Pienarr has also found himself in trouble with the filth this week when he was arrested for an assault on a woman. Whenever he finishes his football career i’ve got a few odd jobs for him.

There was better news for Pienarr when it was revealed that Everton have been targeted by the sixth richest man in the world. This may well lead to a conflict of interests for Rio Ferdinand.

Rio should invest some of his considerable wealth on Tottenham to beat the massively overachieving Hull by two or more goals at 3.30. Tottenham may be as impotent as Melanie Chisholm’s boyfriend when sobriety arrives, but if they can’t ease past Hull in front of their own supporters they should rename the ground ‘White Flag Lane’.

You simply have to join me in staking one point on this incredible investment opportunity. I’m going to have to behave like Dimitar Berbatov’s Dad on this one - I won’t take ‘no’ for an answer.