Lock Stock and Two Smoking Carols

The adult film industry has many knockers, but I remain a fully-fledged supporter. My only possible critique would be that the storylines occasionally lack realism. I can’t begin to tell you how disappointed I was with my job as a photocopier repair man.

My wife is a fierce critic of the genre as she incorrectly believes that the art form demeans women. Personally, I think it’s a positive when a hobby becomes an occupation; I would love to get paid for sending nude photographs of myself to Cheryl Tweedy. I’ll have to finance my pastime by backing Portsmouth at 10/11 to beat West Brom in their FA Cup semi-final.

My favourite sub-genre of the adult entertainment industry is the one when two ladies take a spiritual road to self-discovery. There are things I’d rather not see though, and watching Barnsley play Cardiff is the equivalent of watching Lisa Riley tinker with Jade Goody. Cardiff will probably win their semi at 11/8, but I’d rather watch something a little more uplifting.

Robbie Savage has all the attributes needed to launch a career in exotic films. He’s blonde, he breathes heavily for 90 minutes and he never needs a second invitation to go down. I can’t see the Derby man getting any satisfaction from Everton; the Toffeemen are the weekend banker at 2/7.

Roy Keane has always enjoyed a ruck, but he may be punching above his weight by labelling Sir Alex Ferguson ‘a hypocrite’. Admittedly, he never mentioned Fergie by name, but it couldn’t have been more obvious unless he used the term ‘purple-nose’. Fulham can momentarily quieten the fiery Irishman at 11/8.

Manchester City have gone backwards since they signed Benjani. To be fair to Sven, he tried everything in his power to get out of the deal; he said he’d accept Benni McCarthy, Benayoun or Benny from Crossroads as a compromise, but it was all to no avail. Chelsea will take full advantage of Sven’s massive rick at 4/5.

Mike Ashley has reportedly lost £129m gambling on financial markets; he’s probably regretting following me in on last week’s bets. I’m having £2 on Newcastle to beat Reading at 4/5.

The world and his dog are singing the praises of Cristiano Ronaldo, but Middlesbrough fans are a little more hesitant - all three of them believe that he’s a diver. I nearly collapsed when I saw 15/2 next to a Boro win over Manchester United.

Steve Bruce will do everything in his power to send Birmingham down when Wigan face his former side on Saturday. I have nothing but admiration for Bruce’s stance, you should always finish a job that you start. Wigan may have to settle for a point at 23/10.

I was stunned when Tottenham’s defences were breached on numerous occasions by Newcastle last week. It was just like a scene from my favourite movie, ‘Snatch’. I have a feeling that Tottenham may already be on their summer break; Blackburn can take full advantage at 6/4.

El Hadji Diouf would never make it in the world of erotic film - he’s a spitter. I had to swallow on several occasions when I saw 8/11 for an Aston Villa win over Bolton.

They say that good things come in threes, and I’m a huge fan of the ‘Rod-Farther Trilogy’. Arsenal are a confident shout at 6/5 to win the second part of their triple-header against Liverpool, unless the referee is Dirk Kuyt’s neighbour.

It’s now reached the stage where my wife has forced me to choose between her and my collection of adult art; so i’m on the lookout for a new dishwasher. Portsmouth, Arsenal, Chelsea and Newcastle form an 11/1 accer that will bring in the necessary funds.