The Fist Lays the Smackdown! For 07/03/2009

Hello Ladies and anyone else who reads this. Tonight I bring you something for the ages. Yes, that's right. I bring you...

THE FIST LAYS THE SMACKDOWN!

It would be in 3-D, but let's face it. I simply do not have that in my budget. I do, however, have "Rough Translation Technology" for all of us. So, without further adieu, let's get this party started!

We begin tonight, the first SmackDown after The Bash with CM Punk. He just wants to tell people what happened at The Bash in case you were too cheap to pay for it.

"Hello, I am a man of lies Honor. I didn't win the match, but I also didn't mean to kick Jeff Hardy the referee. I'm not the kinda guy to break the rules, but Jeff is a big meanie doody head! I'll give you a rematch when you apologize for being a big jerk!"

This is when Teddy Long comes out. Teddy explains that "Woah. You'll fight Jeff again at Night Of Champions. Isn't that great? Oh, it gets better. You're going to have to work with him tonight as you face Chris Jericho and Edge in a tag match! How you like dat playa?"

Cue the music for one, very scorned, Jeff Hardy. Jeff exclaims he's tired of excuses, and wants everyone to know that "Punk is a little cheater!" Punk fires back with, "Woah! No! Don't hurt me! We have to work together tonight! Oh, Jeff and to all the kids watching, don't do drugs. Seriously. It's bad. Also don't hurt me. I'm a frail champion."

MATCH #1

RICKY ORTIZ (Uh, who?) VS. FINLAY

Not every match has to have a great deal of meaning. This is clearly a rivalry that spans generations. The Ortiz clan of the upper-east side of Ireland battles against the Finlay clan from Belfast. Ok, one of those places was made up I think... Wait.. did they just hand Ricky Ortiz a microphone? Oh no.

"Hey baby. Don't worry about your short little friend. You're here facing the next WWE World Heavyweight Champion, Random Jobber! So cheer up little guy. I'll go easy on you to break you in."

Finlay apparently found his family rivalry more important that smiles, so he slaps Ricky and the match gets underway. A Rolling Hills into a dropping butt first body attack gets a two count. Ortiz fires back for a bit before Finlay counters with the Celtic Cross. 1,2,3.

Winner - Finlay

Match Rating 1.7/5

Well, to be honest, this was merely an Introduction to SmackDown from Finlay. It didn't need to be a high caliber match.

We find Dolph Ziggler backstage doing what I can ONLY hope is psudeo-Yoga poses. (Otherwise, it was really inappropriate.) When he's approached by Maria, he "Mans Up" a bit, and introduces himself. She asks if he's preparing for his match, and he can only reply with "Well, of course! Being focused is the only way I win."

Of course, this is when I had to spit my Dr. Pepper out due to overwhelming laughter. I got another drink and continued.

A little awkward conversation later, and we discovered that, apparently, they "did something fun" the night previous. They agree to go out again, and Dolph's parting comment is (And this will not be paraphrased.) "I think I might get lucky."

So, when I returned from the bathroom after throwing up for a few minutes, I regret eating all that food from the past two weeks. Moving on!

MATCH #2

DOLPH ZIGGLER VS. R-TRUTH

Before the match, they recap what happened at The Bash (You can read my other report for that info... Nah, that's not a shameless self-promotion... It's helpful! >_>)

The match starts with Ziggler kneeing R-Truth to the stomach and asking him "What's Up". R-Truth counters with some fairly impressive acrobatics and finishes it off with a leaping roundhouse kick to Ziggler's head. A hip toss (Really?) for a pin attempt (Double Really?) gets a 1 count.(Ok, that makes sense.) Ziggler returns the favor with an inverted body slam. Ziggler continues with a series of elbow drops and a moment to straighten his hair. R-Truth comes after him just to get a Guillotine with the top rope as Ziggler jumps down. Ziggler leaps in with a reverse facebuster (Yeah, it hit the back of his head instead.). 1 2 3.

Winner - Dolph Ziggler

Match Rating 2.3/5

I'm personally curious what they plan on doing with Dolph. Why push him now? *shakes her head and sighs*

PSUEDO FIGHT #3

FINLAY VS. BATISTA

The show skips to the past and shows a match between Batista and Finlay back from 2006. Finlay has control of most of the match it submissions and a few stikes. Khali walks down to the ring as Champion (Really? I should do more research) to harass Batista with his mere presence. Finlay attacks, gets countered into a spinning sidewalk slam. Khali steps in to interfere. Batista goes after him, counters Khali's vice grip submission, and that's where the clip ends.

Match Rating - 2.6/5

Would have been better had it been current, and they not just cut in and out of it and played clips.

And it's time for another edition of Cryme Tyme's Word Up. This week's word is Wangsta. While they describe it's meaning, they decide to show us by becoming stalkers tour guides. After checking out girls, making fun of an Asian cowboy, the Wangsta comes to them. It's a poor white guy who thinks he's got street cred. Needless to say, he does not. Cryme Time, instead of hitting him with a chair, just cut to the next match.

MATCH #4

REY MYSTERIO VS. KANE

NON TITLE MATCH

Mysterio looks like he's going to get away unscathed for about ten seconds before Kane fires back with a huge clothesline, flattening our little champion. Mysterio counters a running clothesline with a drop toe hold, knocking Kane to the second rope. 619 attempt countered by a chokeslam attempt that Mysterio drops out of. Kane simply chooses to throw him into the corner instead. Commercial Break.

We come back to see Kane still dominating with a huge boot to Rey's face. Kane keeps the pressure on Rey, concentrating on his back. A backbreaker-like submission hold, and Rey kicks Kane in the face to get a bit of a breather. Kane charges after Rey, but another drop toe hold slams Kane's face into the top turnbuckle. Rey fires back and goes for the top rope, only to be countered by a Kane punch in mid air. Kane goes for a chokeslam, countered by a dropkick into the 619. Kane counters the pin attempt with a chokeslam. 1,2,3 for Kane.

Winner - Kane

Match Rating - 2.3/5

The standard David Vs. Goliath match. Kane won though, so... it's not an exact analog.

Khali comes out to defend Rey armed with a steel chair. (You can find out why by reading my The Bash article. Nope, still not shameless enough) Kane flees through the crowd like a tiny girl would a monster under her bed. Khali does not give chase.

Chris Jericho is happy about Rey getting owned by Kane. He's going to claim his rematch on Rey NEXT WEEK! Edge enters and talks about how easy it will be to crush two disjointed fools with all their hopes and dreams. So, for those of you watching at home, it goes like this...

Jericho : "We're awesome!"

Edge : "I know, right! We're so freaking awesome!"

Jericho : "Seriously Awesome!"

Edge & Jericho : "We're totally gonna win! Yay us!"

MATCH #5

THE HART DYNASTY (With Natalya) VS. CRYME TYME

JTG starts this match off with a series of hits leading into a facebuster to Kidd from the turnbuckle. Kidd in the ring puts JTG into a couple of surfboard stretches while screaming a lot. (I hear that increases their power... Give it a try. It works!) JTG makes the hot tag and Shad comes in and cleans house. Shad goes for the pin, and Kidd breaks it up. As the ref ushers Kidd out of the ring JTG catches Smith with a top rope guillotine and Shad hits a reverse Russian leg sweep. 1,2,3.

Winner - CRYME TYME

Match Rating - 2.1/5

Another "let's show off the new SmachDown talent" match. Not too shabby, but not amazing either.

The Raw rebound shows what happened on Raw? Wanna see what happened? Check out our Raw Article up and available for viewing! (Ok, that one was pretty shameless, even if it wasn't self-promoting.)

MATCH #6

MICHELLE McCOOL AND LAYLA VS. MELINA AND MARIA

Melina and Layla start the match off, with Layla striking Melina to the head. Melina fires back and roughs up Layla for a bit before tagging in Maria. Maria lays out some punishment before one of her kicks is caught. Layla counters with a kick to the other leg, knocking Maria into the splits and makes the tag. Maria tosses McCool out of a leg submission, and gets the hot tag to Melina, who lands a few strikes before McCool gets out of the way and tags in Layla. Melina knocks McCool down, and lands her finisher to get the pinfall on Layla.

Winner - Melina and Maria

Match Rating - 1.8/5

I've seen worse women's matches, but I'm still yet to truly be impressed. I fear I never will be.

Morrison and Teddy long are backstage talking about both Michael Jackson and how Morrison beat CM Punk last week. He wants to get a shot at the title after Night Of Champions. They break into MJ's lyrics and Morrison twists them into gems like "Thriller! It was a Thriller how I beat Punk!" Nothing is made clear, but the seeds have been sown.

MATCH #7

EDGE AND CHRIS JERICHO VS. JEFF HARDY AND CM PUNK

Edge and Punk start us off, after the announcers regale us about the WGN Superstars match that took place between Edge and Punk where Punk forfeited due to that eye injury. Punk gets a slight advantage and tags in Jeff Hardy. Hardy roughs up Edge some more before tagging Punk back in. Edge knocks Punk over and tags in Jericho. Hardy tags back in and hits a leg drop from the turnbuckle for a two count. Punk and Hardy clean out the ring, and take a moment to stare each other down as we go into a commercial.

Hardy is in the ring against Edge, who has the advantage. Hardy fires back with a few attacks, and goes for the tag, but Punk is holding his eye, unwilling to tag. Hardy goes for the pin and it gets kicked out. Hardy makes a mad dash for the corner, but Punk is at the wrong corner holding his eye. Hardy lands a few hits before pulling a Whisper In The Wind out on Jericho. Jericho tags out before Hardy can get up. Edge stops Hardy's tag, and receives a Twist Of Fate for his troubles. Hardy slaps Punk to tag him in. Punk goes for the GTS, but it's countered by Edge. Jericho tags in and lays out some pain. Both men collided with dual clotheslines knocking each down. As Punk makes his way to get a tag, Hardy flaunts a new eye injury and flails to the ground in fake pain, leaving Punk in the ring alone. He tries a GTS, but Edge tags in Jericho. Edge lands a spear and gets the 1,2,3.

Winner - Edge and Chris Jericho

Match Rating - 2.8/5

Not a shabby fight, but the Jeff Hardy eye injury flailing was CLASSIC. I seriously laughed almost as hard as when Dolph said he wins with focus.