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When our child turns into a teenager it often seems that we lose a connection with them, a connection we had built up over their younger, formative years. Some parents feel a deep-down ‘mourning’ at the loss of this connection, but really, you have not ‘lost’ your teen. Underneath he is still the little child you once knew, but is now re-learning life and the world. He is building his own identity and individuality, away from his parents.
Teenagers need their parents to reach out for a genuine connection. Their parents are still significant and fundamental to their lives, and they still need a loving and supportive source in their lives, especially with the changes they are going through.
A very powerful way to re-build a connection and get your teen back is to have ‘special time’, or one-to-one time together. This might be a block of time specially just for the two of you, with no other siblings or family members with you. It’s a ‘treat’, could be a day out, lunch out, anything. Here’s a few pointers as to best go about it:-
1. When organising Special Time, it is crucial that you keep your word. Once a promise has been made and a date set, you must keep it. Breaking your word can totally undermine your child’s trust in you and he may interpret this as meaning special time is not important to mum or dad, or that they don’t really want to do it. So when organising your one-to-one time then make sure it is realistic and achievable so there are no issues that can come up to get in the way.
2. Show your teen that you really want to spend time with him. Make sure he sees that. Your excitement about the up-coming event will show him how much it means to you.
3. Get your teen to choose what you are going to do together. This is the time when your teen ‘calls the shots’. It’s his special day. Follow what he says, and give him the freedom to choose.
4. When out together, relax and enjoy yourself. Be willing to let go and listen. Do not bring up sore subjects. Avoid those subjects that you’ve brought up before that bring about the same negative responses. Special time is about disconnecting from those old habits and reconnecting with the real person inside your teen.
Out of this time your teen can derive a sense of closeness and caring which will build their confidence in their ability to think, to love, and to learn. You can build wonderful memories for both yourself and your child, memories that will most likely stay with him for life, and of course, build a close connection with your teen which will be valuable at his times of insecurity and confusion.
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