His And/Or Yours-How to Incorporate Children into the Ceremony

If you or your fiancé have children from a previous marriage or relationship, you’re certainly not alone. Blended families are so commonplace these days that it’s not unusual to see children from previous marriages take part in their parent's wedding to someone new. Ideally, both the new partner and the child/children involved get along well; but even if that’s not the case, including children from another relationship in the wedding is a wonderful way for each side to reinforce positive feelings about the union and forge new bonds.

Be sure to include your children from the very beginning. Allow them to express themselves, both positively and negatively, so that they're thoughts are heard and they feel a part of the plans. If you simply announce your intentions, you may be in for some difficult times. When children are invited to take part in your wedding, they’ll be more likely to accept a parent’s remarriage, and the partner who is “marrying into” the existing family will feel closer to the children by giving them an important role in the wedding festivities.

There are many such roles for children in your ceremony as well as your reception. Young children can be flower girls, junior bridesmaids or ring bearers; older children can be ushers, bridesmaids, maids/matrons of honor, male attendants or best men. If the wedding party is especially small—or if there is no wedding party—young children can simply join the wedding couple at the altar, and older children can give a reading, sing a song or play a musical piece. Children can also take part in candle-lighting or sand-blending ceremonies that emphasize the “joining together” aspect of the ceremony.

During the vows, children’s names can be added to the traditional service after the parent’s name(s), so that the partner saying the vow is pledging to accept not just the partner but his or her children, as well. Also, consider incorporating an inside joke or story about an event that involved the child and will have special meaning to him or her. Silly or poignant times that you have experienced with the child make great anecdotes that you can add into the ceremony, whether spoken by you, your fiancé, the officiant or the child. They also make for welcome comic moments in what can be an otherwise solemn occasion.

Another option is for the individual “marrying in” to address a short speech to the child, turning toward him and looking him in the eye while expressing heartfelt sentiments about your life together as a family. This usually works best in more intimate gatherings, but even a brief reference to the future—addressed directly to the child—is appropriate in larger groups. If you and your fiancé will be holding hands and facing each other at any time during the ceremony, a child of almost any age can take charge of your bouquet and hand it back to you once that part of the ceremony is over. And having children in the receiving line is also a nice gesture of inclusion.

I’ve attended many weddings where children took part in the ceremony, and it’s always a lovely, spirit-lifting moment. On one occasion, five children—all under the age of twelve—joined their respective parents in a gazebo that was perched on a cliff overlooking the Pacific Ocean. After the minister pronounced the couple husband and wife, the bride and groom solemnly handed each child a necklace bearing a gold Family Medallion*. Each parent promised to cherish the children and provide them with a loving home. After a group hug, the bride, groom, and children stood facing the (damp-eyed) guests, and the minister presented the new family!

The reception offers other natural opportunities to include children, such as in posing a toast, having father/daughter or mother/son dances or introducing the newly married couple. If possible and appropriate, you and your fiancé should seat your children at the head table with you. They can also be a part of the cake-cutting ceremony or perform a rehearsed dance routine for the guests—which the wedding couple may wish to be a part of as well.

Whatever manner you choose to include your children into your ceremony, be sure to coordinate your wishes with your officiant, who will certainly be helpful with your plans. Including your children will make them feel important and help foster the idea that marriage is not just about joining a husband and a wife, but creating a new family!

Simply opening up the communication, filling children in on decisions made and asking for their opinion during the planning stages will help pave the way for a smooth-running, joyous wedding and the start of a special life together as an expanded family.