Helping Children Cope With Divorce

In today’s society divorce has affected almost 50% of families. Divorce affects everyone; the partners, the children, the extended family, the friends, and society. With new laws, the financial independence of women, the search for immediate gratification, and changing social roles, among other factors, divorce has become more prominent. The early studies of divorce came about in the 1970’s with the assumption that if the parents are happier, the children will be happier, and that the effects of the divorce are felt more at the time of the break-up, assuming a temporary crisis situation.

Divorce is a life-transforming experience. Divorce has long-term effects on the individual. It can precipitate symptoms of depression and anxiety. It is a trajectory, not an end result. This is especially true when children are involved. Children coping with divorce often cannot talk to parents about how they feel depressed, anxious or irritable. The effect of divorce on children depends on a variety of factors such as the quality of the marriage (is it violence, adultery, alcoholism or boredom) and the quality of the post-divorce family in the long-term (the disruption in school, finances, relocation, etc.)

In a divorce situation, the best thing parents can do is set an example. The couple may have serious problems, hurt feelings, disappointments, and fears. But they need to give priority to their children’s needs. From the time of the break-up to the years following the divorce, it is important that the parents present a united front, listen to the needs of their children, adjust agreements with their developmental needs, and keep the anger away from them. Put the children’s needs first. Many divorced parents are probably reading this and thinking “easier said than done!” There are financial issues, custody battles, maybe law-enforcement agencies involved. It is true. It is difficult. It requires effort, commitment, forgiveness and emotional stability to achieve this. But it is so important for the sake of the children coping with divorce and for the sake of the parents.

If you find yourself in this situation, remember that the most damaging effects of divorce may come after the break-up. When the children are placed in the middle; when they are used as pawns to get back at the partner; when they are exposed to continued conflict and struggles; when they feel they have to choose and feel torn apart. In the long-term you are not only dealing with your own losses and regrets but having to manage your children’s emotional and behavioral problems. If you cannot do it alone, seek professional help.